5 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen
We found out recently that if you try to leave a little kid in a graveyard late at night, he'll freak out. Even if you offer to leave him a gun to protect himself. Why? It's because on some instinctual level, all humans know it's just a matter of time until the zombies show up.
Our culture is full of tales of the undead walking the Earth, from our religions to our comic books. But, some sort of zombie apocalypse isn't actually possible, right?
Right?
Guys?
Actually, yes. It's quite possible. Here's five ways it could happen, according to science.
#5.
Brain Parasites
As seen in ...
Resident Evil IV
What are they?
Parasites that turn victims into mindless, zombie-like slaves are fairly common in nature. There's one called toxoplasmosa gondii that seems to devote its entire existence to being terrifying.
This bug infects rats, but can only breed inside the intestines of a cat. The parasite knows it needs to get the rat inside the cat (yes, we realize this sounds like the beginning of the most fucked-up Dr. Seuss poem ever) so the parasite takes over the rat's freaking brain, and intentionally makes it scurry toward where the cats hang out. The rat is being programmed to get itself eaten, and it doesn't even know.
Of course, those are just rats, right?
How it can result in zombies:
Hey, did we mention that half the human population on Earth is infected with toxoplasmosa, and don't know it? Hey, maybe you're one of them. Flip a coin.
Oh, also, they've done studies and shown that the infected see a change in their personality and have a higher chance of going batshit insane.
Chances this could cause a zombie apocalypse:
Humans and rats aren't all that different; thats why they use them to test our drugs. All it takes is a more evolved version of toxoplasmosa, one that could to do us what it does to the rats. So, imagine if half the world suddenly had no instinct for self-preservation or rational thought. Even less than they do now, we mean.
If you're comforting yourself with the thought that it may take forever for such a parasite to evolve, you're forgetting about all the biological weapons programs around the world, intentionally weaponizing such bugs. You've got to wonder if the lab workers don't carry out their work under the unwitting command of the toxoplasmosa gondii already in their brains. If you don't want to sleep at night, that is.
You may be protesting that technically these people have never been dead and thus don't fit the dictionary definition of "zombies," but we can assure you that the distinction won't matter a whole lot once these groaning hordes are clawing their way through your windows.
And in case no one else mentions it, Zombies are already among us, they just moan for "Change" instead of "Brains"...
Reply"Yes, the movie The Serpent and the Rainbow was based on this guy's actual science stuff."
ReplyThat's, uh, very scientific sounding...
Okay, last one. First of all it's "silicon chip". Try switching your spell-checker from "writing about tits" to "science mode".
ReplyA virus isn't a living thing, it's not an organism, so wiring them up to bits of silicon doesn't count as a cyborg. I'd like to know the intention of the experiment you mention. Engineering bionic diseases probably wasn't it.
You've just reiterated the old "gray goo hypothesis" here, only for some reason with a virus stapled to it. Viruses can't even move. They do nothing. It doesn't make a nano-anything more dangerous or malign.
Finally the cortex isn't really a part of the brain that provides self-control and morality. It's the entire outer layer of the brain, and is needed for pretty much all of the complex "thinking" functions in organisms that have functions more complex than an earthworm. All vertebrates have cortexes, they're just simpler than human ones.
Anyway, I'm sure I remember David Wong writing better list-based humourous articles than this one. Go back to what you know!
LOL u mad?
dont take it seriously
Remember, nobody likes a smartass...
Now on #2... Stem cells don't "regenerate dead cells" or anything like that. They REPLACE dead cells. The same thing your body's doing now, every second you're alive. Cells die and are replaced by similar ones. Much of new tissue growth is accomplished by stem cells, of which there are also millions in your body right now. Without stem cells, nobody would live very long.
ReplyI know it's an article about zombies, but really, writing articles with "scientific" in the title really ought to be left to people with at least a high-school-qualification understanding of science. Really this is sub-tabloid research, and bending words to mean their exact opposite. Since it's not particularly funny, the atrocious and wrong "science" renders this article completely pointless, unless you intentionally set out to make people more ignorant after reading than they were before.
Just to point out that "alkaloid" just means "alkali-like", as you might imagine from looking at it. So number 4 may as well read (or other stuff called "CHEMICALS").
ReplyYES! FINALLY! I have been trying to persuade my friends for years that a zombie opocalypse could happen and now I have proof! Ready and excited, bring on the zombies!
ReplyI am a 27 years old doctor,mature and beautiful. and now i am seeking a good man who can give me real love, so i got a sername Andromeda2002 on Agedate.СòM, a nice and free place for younger women and older men,or older women and younger men, to interact with each other.Maybe you wanna check out or tell your friends.
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesand this connects to the article how?...
I am 14 years old and I HATE SPAM
You are just the worst kind of person.
NOBODY WILL GIVE YOU LOVE!!! Especially not on cracked...
Yeah! The reason I tend to not like being around other people is because of toxoplasmosa! It's all my cat's fault! If I just hadn't hugged my kitty I would be out banging all the promiscuous women toxoplasmosa allegedly creates!
ReplyOr the people saying that stuff might just be a little crazy, like they sort of sound like they might be. And if our brains are so similar to rats, then why wouldn't one of the main effects of the parasite be to make us attracted to cat piss? I mean, after having cats for as long as we have, I've grown to not necessarily go nuts at the odor, but it sure as heck isn't pleasant. The scientist guys even say that other than the changes in the brain/the fact that the infected rats don't get panicked by the smell of cat urine, they're completely normal and healthy. They have cysts created by the parasite that are responsible for the changes, and as such I'd think that would mean we'd exhibit the same symptoms if they were directly affecting our brain chemistry. On top of it, as far as I know cat owners tend to be somewhat more introverted than non-cat owners anyways, regardless of gender. I guess all of the above is why the findings are "highly controversial".
Then again, I can't pretend like the whole idea isn't pretty uncomfortable, the thought that we'd be infected by something that screws with out internal chemistry and discourages being social, and the health benefits it would entail, while at the same time promoting mental illness. Oh, and of course promiscuity in women, which I'm sure would be disconcerting...at least to the ladies. The whole thing would be kind of eerie.
But again, the whole thing reads like some sort of whale.to conspiracy theory, and if it held any sort of real weight we'd probably know it since they say certain antipsychotics and other medicines are able to counteract the effects in rats, and goodness knows pharmaceutical companies would not turn down that juicy an opportunity to market medicines as expensive as antipsychotics to a consumer base consisting of 50% of the world.
What are the items that should be in your Zombie apocalypse GO kit?
ReplyBeef jerky (since it takes FOREVER to go bad) water, matches/lighters, a bat/gun/sword, and a backpack. thats what i would suggest anyway
Good f****n running shoes....
"Humans and rats aren't all that different" - I lol'ed.
ReplyNot as different as you might think. Rats are actually very smart, and have the intelligence of an average two year old human. What's more, their intelligence is of a more simian variety. They aren't intelligent in the way that dogs are, but more like we are, just less so. They are extremely adept at abstract thought and problem solving. They are highly empathetic, loving and often think of others.
For example, and this happens all of the time, a cat might bring you a dead bird because that is what the cat enjoys, however, a fancy rat will think about what you like and bring you something like chocolate that it thinks you will enjoy. They spend a lot of time considering those around them. Any fancy rat owner already knows this, but rats aren't given nearly enough credit in general.
On an emotional and psychological level, the world is pretty much ready for a zombie apocalypse. Having read Max Brooks (because yes, I fancy), the one thing a zombie apocalypse needs is a GROUP of clueless morons to get themselves bitten. I'm fairly certain more than everyone here would not only be able to identify a zombie, but know how to dispatch it.
ReplyThe issue is physical ability. If we face running zombies, we're pretty much screwed. You could be able to identify all of the zmobies in the world and know all of their weak-spots, if you can't run for longer than a half mile without your heart caving in, you're zombie food.
TL;DR one big fat joke
lol
Replythis is the best article written on this site
ReplyThe toxoplasmosa parasites seem fairly possible while the ''Mad Cow Disease'' is juts stupid, because the people has to eat the cow's meat to actually become infected with the bacteria that causes it, hence the infection rate would be very limited, same problem with the neurotoxyns. All of them have the same problem, low transmition rate once the epidemic starts, hence, no Apocalypse from them.
Reply@MatthewLRose Dude you are the billionth person on the internet to say that, making the particular statement a form of group think. Lets be a little more creative.
ReplyMy coin landed on heads uh-oh 0_0
ReplyI soon as I read the bit about toxoplasmosa I got a major headache. Now I'm a little freaked out.
ReplyGroupthink is the Zombie Apocalypse
ReplyLet it come. In [makecash23 dot com], you can make near 1 hundred per h of on line work everyday.
Replydont get mad at me or somethin but if there is a zombie appocalyps coming what would ur ideal weapon be mine would be a hunting rifle & dual weild mini uzi
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesDual wield mini uzi's? What are you, fighting zombies or Agent Smith?
Where you gonna get ammo for the UZIs? I'd think keep it light and common. Small ammo... can pack a lot and find anywhere... hyper velocity 22LR hollow point (like stinger CCi) will make you rethink 22s. Plus, they are easily silenced with a plastic bottle on the muzzle and light cotton packing inside the bottle.
@autodrglen Silent, but less deadly. Personally, I want something that will execute with brutal efficiency with little or no sound. If I can't get those guns the Boondock Saints use, than I'll just have to settle with a sharp and/or heavy blunt object of my choosing. More than likely, a hatchet, cuz thatz how I roll.
I'd probably go with a semi-auto .22 magnum. They're small and lightweight, but they can still get decent range and have good power. I'd probably keep a small handgun, likely a Glock 17 as a sidearm with a fair amount of extra clips. I also have to agree with GregRodgers on the machete. It would be easy to swing around in a close range situation.
I'll take a good solid aluminum bat or axe anyday...never runs out of ammo.
Balisong machete or crowbar for hand-to-hand range. Silenced .22LR pistol for close range. M4 Carbine for mid-range. "Not my f*****g problem" for long-range.