Nobody would argue that the idea of Michael J. Fox playing basketball is sort of hilarious. The man's barely four feet tall and needs a footstool to get into bed every night. But while Fox might be a laughable player, Fox as Teen Wolf sinks 75-foot hook shots and dunks like Dominique Wilkins' highlight reel.
Even Michael Jordan, widely believed to be the greatest basketball player of all time, plays better ball in the movies. Name us one time in Jordan's NBA career, for instance, where he got launched into outer space to compete against basketball-playing aliens, then jumped 200 feet in the air to sink a textbook layup from Porky Pig. (Maybe twice.)
If movies have taught us anything, it's that actors and basketball players alike can pretend to do things far better than actual people can in real life. So, in honor of the upcoming NBA draft-a night filled with hilarious interviews, ridiculous suits and old white men talking lustily about the flawless condition of young black men's bodies-we turn to the real, but routinely ignored, stars of the NBA: the completely made-up ones.
#1. Teen Wolf (Teen Wolf)
NBA Equivalent: Dr. J in a Chewbacca costume
Upside: Calling this guy a freak of nature is not just pundit hyperbole: the Wolf's athletic ability is absolutely off the charts. His jumper's a little spotty, but with his ability to drive the lane, any mid-range game is almost an afterthought. Has been known to drive the rim and make Lebron-esque, two-hand dunks in a half-court set, which is incredibly impressive, even if some of these dunks appear to be the exact same ones.
Weaknesses: The Wolf is a star and he knows it. Has been known to steal the ball from his own teammates and play with sunglasses on. Doesn't go anywhere without his agent, Stiles, who seems more interested in apparel deals than wins, and could be a major locker room distraction. Is also half-human/half-wolf, meaning he possibly eats babies.
#2. Neon Budreau (Blue Chips)
NBA Equivalent: Plays uncannily like Shaquille O'Neal
Upside: Extraordinary athleticism for his size. Polite young man who is extremely coachable, which is saying something, since his college coach seemed to think "coaching" meant yelling at the referees and telling people to "dunk it," then celebrating when they did.
Weaknesses: Background playing in a factory in the middle of a Louisiana swamp that requires a boat trip to get to means that he's still pretty raw. Also, questions surrounding his recruitment to play at Pacific University might raise a few Chris Webber-like red flags. Reports from a Pacific booster named Happy that Neon was given a nuclear surfboard in exchange for his matriculation raise questions-both about character and radiation exposure.