7 Creepy Mysteries With Really Dumb Explanations (Pt. 3)

As you can plainly see in those images, that can only be the Loch Ness monster itself swimming underwater. After nearly a century of suspense, Andy Dixon found the fabled creature using Apple Maps and immediately contacted the Official Loch Ness Monster Club (which is not a thing we just made up). Their conclusion? Definitely old Nessie. Some haters on the Internet pointed out that the figure could be a boat, but a representative from the OLNMC replied that they "showed it to boat experts and they don't know what it is."

What those experts apparently didn't know is that, like Google, Apple blurs their satellite images to remove identifying features, resulting in boats disappearing and leaving only their vague outline. So ... yeah, Nessie still isn't real, as has been confirmed for decades.

DaveWood111 via sploid.gizmodo.com
"Yes, but is there proof that the boat isn't manned by lizard Bigfoots?"

A teenager recorded that mysterious black ring in April when it appeared in the sky over Warwick, England, leaving witnesses staring up at it with one buried thought in the back of their minds clawing to the surface: "How much longer until this thing kills us?" Witnesses speculated that the strange phenomenon was anything from an alien UFO to a (massively overweight) ghostly spirit, and weather experts further drew out their paranoia when they confirmed that it wasn't weather-related. When interviewed by HuffPo, one "UFO expert" ruled it either a pack of millions of bees or witchcraft. And somewhere, someone was rooting for "the ghosts of magical alien bees."

But what was it, really? We may never know for su- oh, we already do? It's called a vortex ring, which, despite sounding like a portal to another dimension, is just a ring of smoke that travels at a constant speed until it gets too tired to keep going and just sorta stays suspended there, which in this case resulted from a local business testing out its fireworks effects. Here's another one:

thechronicle.com.au
Coincidentally, it was downwind of the stage of that night's Snoop Lion show.

Media outlets were abuzz with the find, and NASA scientists found themselves stumped by the doughnut-shaped rock that had appeared out of nowhere. Could it have been an alien messing around with the rover and kicking rocks in its way? Or maybe it was the discovery of a race of sentient Martian rocks that travel the surface of the red planet by rolling around? One self-proclaimed "astrobiologist" took the find so seriously that he sued NASA for not investigating it further, certain that the "rock" was actually the first Martian mushroom-like fungus ever found.

What other explanation could there be? It's not like the rover itself could have disturbed the terrain while-

NASA/JPL/Caltech
"Asshole didn't even leave a note."

Oh. Yeah, NASA determined that's exactly what happened: The rover had run over the rock and knocked it out of place. Which, in retrospect, was kinda obvious, so we're not sure why everyone didn't just start there.

The Shattles, all of their neighbors, and the local news were baffled by the images, with the most popular guess being "It's aliens," but even if it wasn't, it was definitely some sort of UFO. A government drone, perhaps, or maybe Obama himself fluttering around in the night taking pictures of wildlife?

Not according to the camera's manufacturers, who see those creepy lights all the time ... because they're just the reflection of the deer's eyes bouncing inside of the lens. Also, a second camera caught a side view of what's apparently the same deer standing there with no UFOs in sight.

nbcnews.com
"How about letting me shit in peace? Goddamn perverts."

At last, the legend of the goat-sucking monster is confirmed, and the journalistic integrity of the Weekly World News vindicated. But why was the chupacabra eating corn instead of sucking blood from other animals? Is it on a diet? Actually, it's because the animal's mandibles couldn't possibly suck anyone's blood ... because it's a raccoon without hair. While most raccoons are identified by the bandit-like mask on their head, once they lose their hair due to a disease like mange, it gets pretty difficult to tell the difference between them and an oversized rat. Or, you know, a baby chupacabra.

In fact, mange plus any animal is probably the reason for 90 percent of all monster mythos out there, as this photo of a completely normal bear going through a punk rock phase demonstrates:

Sebastian Willnow/AFP/Getty Images
"Dude, let it go."
"Shut up. Sigourney Weaver's going to pop out of there any second now. Watch."

Unmistakable with two legs, two arms, two wings, and presumably two gazongas if he could just zoom in enough, the tiny flying creatures visible in Hyatt's photos could have been nothing short of fairies. Hyatt contacted local media outlets and named his collection of photos the Rossendale Fairies, which he then put on display at the local museum. The professor claimed that he compared the fairies to pictures of flies, but they just didn't look the same. To lend credence to his theory, he also quoted Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's long-held belief that fairies were real ...

... which is fitting, considering that Doyle was famously duped by one of the dumbest hoaxes ever, and these fairies are about as real as those. It turns out that there's more than one type of fly, and an expert pointed out that these are clearly midges, with their long legs and long "arms" that reach out past their wings, and their tendency to dance around like idiots when trying to get laid.

Luis Ricardo Falero, lkpro/iStock/Getty Images
A concept unfamiliar to us sophisticated humans.

But how do you explain the way he passed through people and barriers? Simple -- he didn't. If you look at pictures of La Paz stadium, you can see that there's a walkway right where the figure was found running.

Mick West/metabunk.org
But ... but the X-Files music on the video!

As for why the guy was in such a rush, now that we realize that this is turning into a normal soccer story, we find ourselves actively not caring.

The third part of XJ's epic science fiction novel is out now on Amazon. The first $0.99 novella can be found here, with Part 2 out here. Or leave a review and get a free copy! Poke him on Twitter and follow him on Facebook.