4 Signs DC Comics Has No Clue How to Make Superhero Movies

DC wants a piece of The Avengers' 1.5-billion-dollar pie, except they don't have the time or patience for all that universe-building claptrap. For 2016's Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, the strategy appears to be "let's make a bouillabaisse out of all our intellectual property." Batman v Superman's seemingly pulling an Amazing Spider-Man 2 and throwing in new and unknown versions of Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Cyborg, and presumably the first big-screen appearance of Lady Cop.

DC Comics
"Can we give her pants?"
"She's Lady Cop, not Harlot Officer!"

So what's the problem with this strategy? Only after DC has raked in the requisite $2 billion with both Batman v Superman and 2018's Justice League will we likely see Wonder Woman or Aquaman in their own films. This, of course, assumes the inevitable scene where Aquaman castrates a humpback whale doesn't cause audiences to cry themselves to sleep. And whatever do we mean by that?

Compare this with Guardians of the Galaxy. Marvel embraced the campiness of a talking raccoon, which allowed them to sneak some surprise pathos in. Meanwhile, DC is obsessed with making their films "realistic," apparently unaware that the entire concept of Superman is completely fucking ridiculous. (Nobody's particularly surprised by rumors that DC has a "no jokes after Green Lantern bombed" policy on the books.) And while we're on the topic ...

When you look at it that way, it sounds like Nolan is actually the screenwriting genius and Goyer is just along for the ride. But that assessment really short-sells the writer of such films as Blade: Trinity, Jumper, The Unborn, and Ghost Rider 2. Let's take a closer look at some screens from The Dark Knight:

Warner Bros.

See how the film manages to be dark and colorful at the same time? Both scenes are bathed in a strong blue, with patches of orange (from the flames) or green (from the Joker) to liven up the scene. Compare that to the promo images from Batman v Superman:

Warner Bros.
Don't adjust your monitor brightness. It's meant to look like that.

All of Superman's colors are faded and washed out, while Batman is nothing but gray. Hell, in Man of Steel, the red S on Superman's chest -- in broad daylight -- was more faded than the Joker's lipstick at night.

Warner Bros.

"But Cracked, what's so bad about gray?" you plead (while listening to Macy Gray and reading The Picture of Dorian Gray). The problem is that the color gray makes us sad. And nobody goes to a comic book movie to feel sad, even if they did knowingly watch Green Lantern. But don't tell that to DC, because they're going all-in with the horrible bleakness, even for Superman ...

So now that they've got Snyder determining the general tone of all the film versions of their superheroes, DC's doubling down on the dark-n-gritty. This may work for Batman, but this will kill Superman faster than a Kryptonite enema. Take a look at this screenshot from Superman: The Animated Series, which ran from 1996 to 2000:

Warner Bros.

The series is colorful and optimistic because Superman is an inherently optimistic character. Superman's always been the everyman people's champion who can do anything and right any wrong while never stooping to the bad guys' level. His earliest nemeses were corrupt public officials and landlords. (And let's not forget that his archenemy, Lex Luthor, is an evil CEO.)

And when you embrace this characterization of Superman, it's not impossible to have the hero address serious issues. Here's one of the greatest Superman moments of all time. It's a perfect, self-contained scene from Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely's 2005 comic book series, All-Star Superman:

DC Comics
You couldn't spare one minute of this from the 90 minutes set aside for destruction porn?

Superman is the ultimate aspirational hero we wish we could have and could be. And without further ado, Snyder's opinion of that particular line of thought:

I think that, honestly, the thing I was surprised about in response to Superman was how everyone clings to the Christopher Reeve version of Superman, you know? How tightly they cling to those ideas ... I really wanted to show the violence is real, people get killed or get hurt, and it's not fun or funny. And I guess for me, it was like I wanted a hero in Superman that was a real hero and sort of reflected the world we live in now.

Yup, Snyder noticed that Americans love the idealized, heroic Superman, and his response is to give us the exact opposite thing. He actually said that Superman is not supposed to be fun.

Warner Bros.
By the way, Superman killing Zod? That was Snyder's idea too.

Look, we already have enough harrowing shit in our lives. America is one of the most depressed nations on the planet. And DC Comics, we don't need you invoking 9/11 in a fucking Superman film. We need a dose of optimism, and you need to stop getting your asses handed to you by a raccoon nobody knew the name of three months ago.