Are you sick of the same tired-ass superhero movies? Are you already fatigued by the 2015 Fantastic Four reboot? Are you exasperated by the fact that Batman v. Superman looks like it has all the mirth and wonderment of a Transylvanian condom ad? Wouldn't it be great if Hollywood threw caution to the wind and just invented a new goddamn crime-fighter?
Well, you're in luck! Look no further than Falconman, the upcoming superhero film starring famous Francophones Jean-Claude Van Damme and Gerard Depardieu. Here's the poster -- it will tell you everything you need to know about falcons, men, men who resemble falcons, and Photoshop.
"My arch-nemesis is kerning."
But just in case that didn't convey the full story of Falconman -- aka aristocrat/falconer/wingsuit enthusiast/vintner Graf Horus von Falconstein -- we have devoted an entire article to the topic, which you began reading two paragraphs ago.
4 Falconman Has the Greatest Origin Story of All Time
First off, Van Damme is not playing Falconman. (His role is "the leader of a terror group from nowhere land between Indonesia and the Philippines.") In fact, the Falconman website does not specify if anybody is playing Falconman, an omission that has led us to hypothesize that the role of Falconman is far too dramatic for any mortal.