4 Reasons 'Falconman' Is The Craziest Superhero Movie Ever
Are you sick of the same tired-ass superhero movies? Are you already fatigued by the 2015 Fantastic Four reboot? Are you exasperated by the fact that Batman v. Superman looks like it has all the mirth and wonderment of a Transylvanian condom ad? Wouldn't it be great if Hollywood threw caution to the wind and just invented a new goddamn crime-fighter?
Well, you're in luck! Look no further than Falconman, the upcoming superhero film starring famous Francophones Jean-Claude Van Damme and Gerard Depardieu. Here's the poster -- it will tell you everything you need to know about falcons, men, men who resemble falcons, and Photoshop.
"My arch-nemesis is kerning."
But just in case that didn't convey the full story of Falconman -- aka aristocrat/falconer/wingsuit enthusiast/vintner Graf Horus von Falconstein -- we have devoted an entire article to the topic, which you began reading two paragraphs ago.
Falconman Has the Greatest Origin Story of All Time
First off, Van Damme is not playing Falconman. (His role is "the leader of a terror group from nowhere land between Indonesia and the Philippines.") In fact, the Falconman website does not specify if anybody is playing Falconman, an omission that has led us to hypothesize that the role of Falconman is far too dramatic for any mortal.
This plot synopsis only corroborates our suspicions. For example, Falconman is the patron superhero for those with gambling addictions. And we quote:
The manipulation of sports betting in football, fashion, and Formula One is scaring everyone. FALCONMAN the new superhero better than Robin Hood saving the masses from losing all their money and falling into poverty and deprivation.
"You think I'm crazy? The innocent are betting on fashion shows. How does that even work?"
To fight evil, Falconstein aka Falconman leads Falconforce, a crack team of multinational falconers/models who falcon falcon falcon. Also, Falconman's bio notes that he is incompetent at managing vineyards. After all, this movie's not called Falcongrapes:
Horus is also the leader of a small security company which uses falcons and their trainers for surveillance and security, to protect airlines from pigeons and small events [...] The falcon breeding is now the big income bringer, as the wine assets are losing money.
"Sir, the falcons observed a modestly sized birthday party in the vicinity of Newark airport. We left no survivors."
But this is far from Falconman's most daring detail. No, that goes to his relationship with his prized falcon, Diva. Again, we quote:
Horus has to artificially inseminate Diva by putting a finger with bio engineered sperm into her. Thus Diva thinks Horus is her husband and father of her children.
How many superhero origin stories are brave enough to include a scene of the protagonist fingerblasting a bird of prey? Only Falconman is willing to go there. This is not unlike if, back in 1941, Captain America was pitched as a superhero who not only fought Nazis but also provided patriotic comfort to the thousands of war wives whose husbands were overseas. Had that happened, there would be no Avengers 2. No, there would only be Captain America CXXXII: Filibustering a Nut.
Falconman Has the Greatest Concept Art of All Time
To truly capture the essence of a hero who is intimate with a raptor's sugar walls, the Falconman team has dreamt up a series of scene visualizations. They are masterworks, each one more challenging than the last. Behold a falcon knocking scalding water upon young Falconman ...
"Wait, shouldn't he hate falcons? Fuck it, I gave up my right to complain after paying $17 to see Transformers 4."
Falconforce thwarting terrorist hijackers with peregrine falcons, who burst out of an airplane's ventilation system ...
Falconman's secret tactic is to shove each of his 10 fingers into 10 angry falcons' cloacae and wear them,
like Wolverine's claws, only scarier.
A guest appearance by ScarJo ...
"Look! We put Black Widow in our concept art! Now you must add Falconman to the Avengers."
And finally, a pulse-pounding scene of Falconman rocketing off a cliff on a horse-drawn buggy while Falconforce bobs overhead like bees.
"Don't worry, these horses can fly. I taught them to be falcons by putting my fingers in their assholes."
Falconman Has the Greatest Merchandise of All Time
Most superhero blockbusters are content to slap their do-gooders on shirts that will inevitably be resold to a shaved-ice vendor in Sierra Leone or some factory-farmed gristle discs. But not Falconman. His slogan, "Luxury Meets Justice," signals that these moviemakers are shooting for a more discerning clientele, one who has the disposable scratch for Falconman brand bikinis, virtual reality games, vodka, and motorcycle helmets with beaks crudely Photoshopped onto them.
"But can we do finger puppets?"
The merch section of Falconman's website also boasts schematics for a separate helmet equipped with knives, rockets, and lasers, although we suspect this might be misplaced concept art.
"It's no accident. Switchblade helmet's going to win us all the Pentagon contracts."
Finally, the Falconman franchise relies on "breakthrough performances for sons and daughters of [...] celebrities, in order to have their parent's famous family name on the movie" and each subsequent sequel focuses on such "mega-sports" as cricket and tennis. So gird your loins for Falconman XXXIX, when Blue Ivy Carter is forced to assume the Falcon-mantle at a mahjong tournament after her mentor dies of avian gonorrhea.
Falconman Is So Great We Will Never See It
Falconman first came to our attention last year, when Cracked writer Maxwell Yezpitelok noticed Van Damme was posting (and deleting) masterful Photoshops on Facebook -- namely, posters for Falconman and TrIIIple Impact, a sequel to 1991's Double Impact starring a trio of bedraggled Van Dammes "that the audience will have a great time watching."
Yes, it was essential we posted both versions.
This was last summer. Since then, it seems that TrIIIple Impact has metamorphosed into Falconman. For example, FashionTV -- the satellite TV channel making Falconman -- had Van Damme in Hong Kong promoting a movie called Luxury Meets Justice, whose plot sounds exactly like that of Falconman. And when you go to FashionTV's website for Luxury Meets Justice, it uses the same haggard photo of Van Damme from those magnificent TrIIIple Impact posters. Finally, that page in turn links out to the website www.LuxuryMeetsJustice.com, which redirects to the Falconman website. In other words, it is within the realm of speculation that Falconman, Luxury Meets Justice, and TrIIIple Impact will all be the same movie.
It is impossible to improve on a masterpiece.
To make matters more confusing, it's unclear if the Muscles from Brussels is even in Falconman at this point. Despite having his mug plastered all over the posters, even at Falconman's recent Cannes party, Van Damme's name is absent from cast lists on both Falconman's site and IMDb page.
He quit the production once he learned he would not be playing three Falconmen.
So there you have it. Falconman supposedly comes out this September, but we wouldn't be surprised if a movie this cosmically satisfying does not even deign to have a release date.
Cyriaque Lamar is an editor here at Cracked. His last article was about McGruff the Crime Dog's criminally underrated album. He is on Twitter.