4 Medals We Totally Needed For the Sochi Olympics

4

Individual "Hulk Smash"

Bruce Bennett/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
To be fair, most of the things you touch in Sochi will do this.

BRONZE: What looks like a still from Leonidas v. Leonidas is actually a moment from a preliminary hockey match, with Andreas Nodl of Austria using Norway's Jonas Holos to shatter a pane of glass. We assume the glass shards were later consumed by the competitors as a post-game snack.

3

Synchronized Crashing

BRONZE: Falls in speed skating can be extremely dangerous -- when you ding someone skating at 40 miles per hour, a comedic pratfall can quickly skid right into an empty grave. Fortunately, there were no injuries when American Eduardo Alvarez and Charles Hamelin of Canada wiped out, so we can delight in the following photo, which looks like the world's greatest Slip 'N Slide.

Richard Lautens/Toronto Star/Getty Images
And if they're not careful with the skates, the world's worst circumcision.

SILVER: The medal goes not to any two Olympic athletes, but to Today Show co-hosts Al Roker and Matt Lauer, who tried their hand at the luge. After crashing into the walls a bunch of times, they somehow managed to start sliding bass-ackwards down the course. (U.S. luger Matt Mortenson jumped in before this puff piece became a Pulitzer-winning tragedy.)

NBC

NBC
We'll spare you the full sight of Roker in a body suit.

2

Dogs Straight-Up Interrupting Shit

BRONZE: The streets of Sochi are apparently so thick with feral dogs that one even managed to crash ski practice. This alpha scamp clambered onto the course and barked its lungs out, as if to remind the Olympians that anybody who didn't post a record time was fair game for the pack.

Sport-Express
And thus ended the only point in history that cross-country skiing was remotely interesting.

1

Most Awkwardly Sexy Photo Shoot

BRONZE: We're not saying Austrian snowboarder Ina Meschik isn't an attractive woman, because she absolutely is. It's just that this particular photo shoot saw her balancing stone-faced on her board in high heels, sort of like the Silver Surfer stood her up for the prom ... at a biker bar.

everyjoe.com
That, or a still from an awful Black Canary porn parody.

SILVER: And here we have Lebanese skier Jacky Chamoun, whose frostbite-inducing photo shoot three years ago somehow became headline news in her home country, after a government official began grousing to Lebanon's Olympic Committee about her subzero bosoms. (He readjusted his priorities once the public reminded him, uh, Syria's totally next door.)

nerve.com (NSFW)
"A little nipply today, wouldn't you say?"

GOLD: But by far the most awkward photo shoot goes to Russian curler Anna Sidorova. What the hell's going on here? Is she curling in a dungeon? Why's she standing in front of a giant clock? The whole thing looks like a Swiffer commercial directed by Vladimir Putin.

fansided.com
"You shall curl until the chime tolls 12. Only then have you earned your pants."

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