4 Medals We Totally Needed For the Sochi Olympics
As you may have noticed, today is the last day of the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia. As we bid adieu to this dystopian Potemkin village where political protesters get whipped in the street, let's reminisce about all those goings-on that were not awarded medals. Here's Cracked's unofficial medal roundup. (And if any winners would like an actual medal, we'll be happy to make you one out of puffy paint and macaroni.)
Individual "Hulk Smash"
To be fair, most of the things you touch in Sochi will do this.
BRONZE: What looks like a still from Leonidas v. Leonidas is actually a moment from a preliminary hockey match, with Andreas Nodl of Austria using Norway's Jonas Holos to shatter a pane of glass. We assume the glass shards were later consumed by the competitors as a post-game snack.
SILVER: A few weeks back, American bobsledder Johnny Quinn found himself locked inside his bathroom after a shower (which is one of the more pleasant stories reported about Sochi hotels). Unfortunately for the door, a man who bench presses 450 pounds is never trapped anywhere, and he simply Shining-ed his way through the door ... using his bare hands.
Meanwhile, you still have a hard time with revolving doors.
GOLD: What sort of monster could destroy the roof of a $32 million Olympic speed-skating arena? Watch and tremble:
"Sloppy landing; that's 7 at best."
As this closed-circuit footage (which appears to be from this past October but popped up last week) demonstrates, it was but a cat that wrecked the arena roof, which in turn appears to be made of $32 million in balsa wood and paper clips.
BRONZE: Falls in speed skating can be extremely dangerous -- when you ding someone skating at 40 miles per hour, a comedic pratfall can quickly skid right into an empty grave. Fortunately, there were no injuries when American Eduardo Alvarez and Charles Hamelin of Canada wiped out, so we can delight in the following photo, which looks like the world's greatest Slip 'N Slide.
And if they're not careful with the skates, the world's worst circumcision.
SILVER: The medal goes not to any two Olympic athletes, but to Today Show co-hosts Al Roker and Matt Lauer, who tried their hand at the luge. After crashing into the walls a bunch of times, they somehow managed to start sliding bass-ackwards down the course. (U.S. luger Matt Mortenson jumped in before this puff piece became a Pulitzer-winning tragedy.)
We'll spare you the full sight of Roker in a body suit.
GOLD: In what is undoubtedly the greatest finish in the history of human athletics, three ski cross participants crashed their way across the finish line all at the same time. In the end, it was a Russian skier who Mr. Beaned his way to the semifinals.
They played "Wipeout" in place of the "winner's" national anthem.
Dogs Straight-Up Interrupting Shit
BRONZE: The streets of Sochi are apparently so thick with feral dogs that one even managed to crash ski practice. This alpha scamp clambered onto the course and barked its lungs out, as if to remind the Olympians that anybody who didn't post a record time was fair game for the pack.
And thus ended the only point in history that cross-country skiing was remotely interesting.
SILVER: And here we have a stray casually strolling up to the opening ceremonies. We're not animal psychologists, but you can see in his insouciant stance that he knows this will all be his pooping ground by 2018.
GOLD: Let's end this entry on a happy note, namely that a few lucky strays will soon be rescued from the Sochi streets by American athletes. Is this a heartwarming tale or merely a media coup by the Dog Illuminati? (We're fine with either.)
"U-S-Aww! U-S-Aww! U-S-Aww!"
Most Awkwardly Sexy Photo Shoot
BRONZE: We're not saying Austrian snowboarder Ina Meschik isn't an attractive woman, because she absolutely is. It's just that this particular photo shoot saw her balancing stone-faced on her board in high heels, sort of like the Silver Surfer stood her up for the prom ... at a biker bar.
That, or a still from an awful Black Canary porn parody.
SILVER: And here we have Lebanese skier Jacky Chamoun, whose frostbite-inducing photo shoot three years ago somehow became headline news in her home country, after a government official began grousing to Lebanon's Olympic Committee about her subzero bosoms. (He readjusted his priorities once the public reminded him, uh, Syria's totally next door.)
"A little nipply today, wouldn't you say?"
GOLD: But by far the most awkward photo shoot goes to Russian curler Anna Sidorova. What the hell's going on here? Is she curling in a dungeon? Why's she standing in front of a giant clock? The whole thing looks like a Swiffer commercial directed by Vladimir Putin.
"You shall curl until the chime tolls 12. Only then have you earned your pants."