You Can Get These On Amazon Prime, But Would You Want To?

EDITOR'S NOTE: We asked Katie to write an article about Amazon Prime Day, highlighting some awesome products. She in no way did that. In fact, all she did was look at the pictures of these very real products and wrote what she assumed it to be. The descriptions are inaccurate, and in some cases outright lies. Please don't buy the tiny man, thinking you get a free working tiny gun with him. If you want to see more products, here's a free trial for Amazon Prime.

It's Amazon Prime Day! I was just clicking around in there and found bargains so shockingly low that I'm worried I might go to jail for stealing. And though yes, this article could technically be considered an ad, I'm only going to show you the stupidest stuff I've found, with names and descriptions I edited for accuracy. For instance ...

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10
A Shape For Cats

Amazon.com

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It's a shape for your cat! Veterinarians universally agree that cats like objects that come in shapes. Your cat, upon seeing this Shape, will experience an alarming broadening of cognitive function. Doors in your cat's mind will open. Doors that were never meant to be opened. Your cat may appear indifferent to this finely shaped object, but do not be deceived. Your cat will be inextricably drawn to the Shape, and may begin to spend hours staring at it, sitting on it, forgoing food and drink to keep the Shape under its unblinking gaze.

Do not be frightened if your cat starts producing sounds you've never heard before, such as a faint humming or buzzing. This is simply every molecule in your cat's body being elevated to a higher level of being. Your cat may appear see-through at times, but should return to a normal state within a few hours. If your cat remains intangible for more than four hours, DO NOT contact a veterinarian. DO call the 20-digit number that will be revealed when you shine a black light on your cat. It is recommended that you do not touch your cat during this time, as it may result in skin degloving or bone confusion. The Shape has been infused with catnip, making it a delight for kittens of all ages!

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9
Anal-Cavity-Enlarging Chair

Amazon.com

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Do you desire a more vacuous anus? Then check out this silicone BPA chair designed to gradually and comfortably dilate your butthole. Cleaning this baby is a cinch. The hydrophobic surface repels unsightly ... fluids, allowing them to be easily hosed off. The textured surface is able to grip and separate mucous membranes. This is an Earth-friendly product made of 100 percent recycled animal tendon. WARNING: If rash or irritation lasts longer than a week, contact poison control immediately. Nausea, leakage, chronic constipation, translucent fecal matter, and erectile malfeasance are common side effects. DO NOT use with lubricants, as this could cause massive and potentially fatal internal prolapse.

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8
Dog Head Display Case Wall Mount

Amazon.com

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It's filled with formaldehyde to keep your dog's head perfectly preserved. The glass is so clear and airtight that your pooch's head will remain immaculately intact. You might even expect to hear it barking! "How's it hangin?" you comment to your dearly departed doggy. "Ruff," it quips. Then it starts speaking the language of the ancient one, cursing you to an eternity of suffering for your crimes against the dog afterlife.

7
Dennis Goldblatt's Passport

Amazon.com

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Have you just allegedly carried out a "high-profile" "assassination?" Assume the identity of Dennis Goldblatt, a mild-mannered assistant manager at Office Depot. Merely shave your hair to copy Goldblatt's male pattern baldness, wear a pair of sensible orthopedic shoes, and you can seamlessly become him. Even if his wife senses a change in "her husband's" height and general demeanor, she'll probably welcome it, because to be honest, the spark went out of their marriage eons ago. And you don't have to worry about the real Dennis Goldblatt ever showing up and blowing your cover. Haha, no, you don't have to worry about that.

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6
Stapler High Heel For Kinky Fun Times In The Bedroom

Amazon.com

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Do you fear that your oddly specific fetish combining high heels and the erotic action of a stapler will forever be ignored by the commercial industry? Well think again, buddy! This sexy little Shoepler can pierce through 50 pages and your heart. Is your marriage depressingly stale and inert? Use this stapler in a little office role play! "Looks like I need to ... collate these invoices and ... staple them, but oh no (breathy sigh), I'm fresh out of staplers! I suppose I'll just have to staple them with my shoe ... my sexy shoe ... my shoe I like to have sex in."

We are not liable for penile injuries as a result of this stapler.

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5
Legally Murder A Tiny Man

Amazon.com

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This lab-created small man is legally not a person, so you're free to murder him! He has no family, so dismember to your heart's content without worry of a civil suit or the bereaved taking revenge upon you. This wee man was created to die by your hands. He's also been designed with the ability to understand bitter irony, in case you'd like to, say, murder him by beating him to death with his own tiny arm. That may be more brutal than ironic, but hey, who are we to judge? We create tiny, fully sentient people for the purposes of commercialized murder; we're pretty open-minded. So yes, we do make murderable small men wedding toppers for straight and gay weddings.

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Buy your very own tiny man to murder TODAY, and receive a complimentary assortment of tiny accessories, such as a tiny knife, a tiny pistol, tiny pliers, a tiny ball gag, a tiny poisoned piece of chocolate cake, tiny hedge clippers, a tiny pillow, or a tiny bat full of tiny Ebola.

4
An Hourglass With The Amount Of Time You Have Left To Live In It

Amazon.com

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This hourglass has the amount of time you have left to live in it. You cannot flip it over. It will not stop. You cannot break it open and add more sand. Yes, we know who you are. No, you cannot attempt to "bargain." Yes, death comes for us all. Yes, some sooner than others.

3
A Clock You Can't Read

Amazon.com

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Are your clocks just a bit too on the nose? We specialize in making clocks that are almost entirely unreadable, leaving the viewer in suspense as to what time it is. Half past the teal ball? A quarter till the orange ball? A little before the other teal ball? Your life will be a whirlwind of excitement and missed appointments! Dump that snooze-ville clock that spits out a bird at 12:00 and pick up this abstract piece of art. Can it tell time? It's subjective. Art is subjective, you uncultured philistines. Runs on two antique Leyden jars (not included).

2
Infinite Zipper

Amazon.com

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Are you tired of zippers that end? Has your heart been broken too many times by the cessation of that familiar zrrrrp sound once you've run out of zipper? Never fear, Infinite Zipper is here, so you can just keep on unzipping! No matter how long you unzip, this zipper just keeps on going. It works by utilizing our ingenious and patented Pocket Multiverse technology, drawing matter from the zipper dimension. Everything is zippers there, even the people! But don't you worry, getting sucked into the zipper dimension is highly unlikely, and only ever a result of user error. So enjoy your endless zipper in peace, knowing that long after the sun has set on the human race and the planets and stars grow evermore distant and cold, this zipper just can't stop zippin'.

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Some Sticks

Amazon.com

It's some sticks.

You can contact Katie Goldin on Twitter and give her customer testimonials about these fantastic products.

For more check out 8 Stupid Amazon Products With Impressively Sarcastic Reviews and I Get Paid To Write Fake Reviews For Amazon.

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