8 Stupid Amazon Products With Impressively Sarcastic Reviews
Everybody is a comedian these days, and the Internet has given us all an enormous stage. Maybe the best example is a supposedly comedy-free site like Amazon.com.
The deal is, anybody can write a review, on any product, whether they have bought it or not. So it's just a matter of finding a baffling/ridiculous/useless product and watching the Internet's sarcasm run wild. For instance, just check out the reviews for ...
#8.
The "Guardian Angel" Acupuncture Device
Yeah, I know, sex toy jokes, right? Fortunately Amazon reviewers turn out to be more creative than you and I:
Bizarrely so:
By the way, the product description claims it's a Korean acupressure device. You roll it around on your hand and it cures your arthritis or something. That actually leads me to quote one more review:
All right, I guess there was room for at least one good sex toy joke.
#7.
Wheelmate Laptop Steering Wheel Desk
This is a laptop desk that attaches to the steering wheel of your car, which is all that really needs to be said. But, of course, Amazon reviewers take pointing out what's wrong with it to the next level.
I should point out that, when we're done laughing at the stories of people mixing cocktails and eating chili while driving, there are some people who might actually get some use out of this when their car is safely parked. People like claims adjusters or real estate agents, who have to drive from client to client without returning to the office and need to do paperwork in the parking lot.
Not to be a wet blanket and say you can't cut lines of coke during a high-speed chase once in a while. Just do it responsibly.
#6.
Uranium Ore
This is just your average can of uranium ore (well, the store that sells it also sells Geiger counters, UFO/ESP detectors and a camera for taking pictures of psychic auras, so take that as you will). So you've got your standard, "It mutated all the ants in my house!" reviews, but the best ones here are the ones you didn't see coming. Like this:
Or you can just enjoy this Back to the Future reference.
The title's all you need from that one.
#5.
How To Avoid Huge Ships
Owners of small boats sometimes end up in the path of large shipping vessels due to not paying attention to shipping etiquette and rules, so sure, it's something people might need to read up on. Still, as you can imagine, the title of this one sent the sarcasm meter into the red:
As if that wasn't enough, Madeleine B. piles on an additional layer of sarcasm icing on the sarcasm cake:
What's it like to be so perfect, indeed.
This article made me laugh so hard that I almost took a ship in my pants. One of the funniest articles I've seen in a long time.
ReplyI'd never seen any of these products before, but I had to look them up on Amazon. But where's the mention of Three Wolf Moon T-shirt?
I also like this reviews for the Tuscan Whole Milk, $45 for 128 fluid ounces:
Once upon a mid-day sunny, while I savored Nuts 'N Honey,
With my Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal, 128 fl. oz., I swore
As I went on with my lapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the icebox door.
'Bad condensor, that,' I muttered, 'vibrating the icebox door -
Only this, and nothing more.'
Not to sound like a complainer, but, in an inept half-gainer,
I provoked my bowl to tip and spill its contents on the floor.
Stupefied, I came to muddle over that increasing puddle,
Burgeoning deluge of that which I at present do adore -
Snowy Tuscan wholesomeness exclusively produced offshore -
Purg'ed here for evermore.
And the pool so white and silky, filled me with a sense of milky
Ardor of the type fantastic of a loss not known before,
So that now, to still the throbbing of my heart, while gently sobbing,
I retreated, heading straightway for the tempting icebox door -
Heedless of that pitter-patter tapping at the icebox door -
I resolved to have some more.
Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
'This,' said I, 'requires an extra dram of milk, my favorite pour.'
To the icebox I aspired, motivated to admire
How its avocado pigment complemented my decor.
Then I grasped its woodgrain handle - here I opened wide the door; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams of Tuscans I had known before
But the light inside was broken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only words there spoken were my whispered words, 'No more!'
Coke and beer, some ketchup I set eyes on, and an apple core -
Merely this and nothing more.
Back toward the table turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
'Surely,' said I, 'surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
'Tis the wind and nothing more!'
From the window came a stirring, then, with an incessant purring,
Inside stepped a kitten; mannerlessly did she me ignore.
Not the least obeisance made she; not a minute stopped or stayed she;
But, with mien of lord or lady, withdrew to my dining floor -
Pounced upon the pool of Tuscan spreading o'er my dining floor -
Licked, and lapped, and supped some more.
Then this tiny cat beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grand enthusiasm of the countenance she wore,
Toward the mess she showed no pity, 'til I said, 'Well, hello, kitty!'
Sought she me with pretty eyes that seemed to open some rapport.
So I pleaded, 'Tell me, tell me what it is that you implore!'
Quoth the kitten, 'Get some more.'
The one about uranium and it's half-life gets me every time.
ReplyHa! Science!
He should have said: "Now half of this is lead."
Anyone know where I can buy one of those specific Kamen Rider "test product" figures? Ive found ones that look like it, but not exactly the same. (Most were sold out too)
ReplyHe should have said: "Now half of it is lead."
NO 3 WOLF MOON T-SHIRT REVIEWS? I am shocked.
ReplyThere was this great one about a book that's supposed to teach you to speak english but I can't find it. I think it's on google reviews anyway
ReplyNo tuscan milk or three wolf moon? How can you not include the originals.
ReplyAgreed!
Ah yes, everyone's favorite Ben Franklin quote about trading freedom for security being bad. The basic sentiment is totally true, but the problem is just spitting out that quote doesn't really mean anything, because literally almost EVERY LAW IN EXISTENCE in some way limits our freedom in Exchange for safety. Just take pretty much any traffic law:
ReplyWhy can't I drive on the left side of the road in America? I'm trying to get to my bank and its in the left side of the road! What? Because the law says right and I might cause an accident? Oh sure here we go with the GOVERNMENT telling me where I can and can't drive just for some illusion of "safety"!
The quote makes a nice sound bite but it doesn't really mean anything if we have any line of laws at all. It's all about where you draw the line between safety and freedom. For the record I think we tend to be too far toward safety and not enough freedom, at least as a general rule, and there are exceptions to every rule.
If you are bored go onto Amazon and look up 3B-Scientific-W43014-Testicle-Self Exam Form. I came across it while looking at the "parent child testing product". It was in the "customers who viewed this also viewed" section, and has some of the funniest reviews I've ever seen.
Reply...BUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! i love the internet.
ReplyBy.
Thought “Identifying Wood (hardcover)” would make this list but looking at the reviews, only found this:
ReplyIsaiah Salas "/b/" -
man this book sure helped my find my wood and others wood. Recommend for any person who loves looking at wood or feeling it.
Is he being sarcastic, or not?
I didn't look it up, but I imagine there should be a serious looking man on the cover, knocking on a two-by-four and saying "Yup, that's wood alright."
#5, How to avoid Huge Ships, is more serious than you would think. Everyone has this idea of 'small = fast' but it doesn't hold true for shipping.
ReplyA longer boat experiences less drag, than a shorter boat of equal width and depth, (almost) regardless of their water displacement. So, while a big boat has a poor power-to-weight ratio (poor breaking and acceleration), it has a high power-to-drag (high top speed).
And this makes them so scary. Those ships are moving 4 times faster than your yaught, but they cannot break, accelerate, or maneuver. If you don't pay attention for a minute, you might be set up for an unavoidable collision.
Yacht?
Okay, mr. buzzkill, then why is this serious book called "How to avoid huge ships"? A f****n 2 year old could think of a better name. fucko
why was there a need for a second edition of "how to avoid huge ships"?
ReplyBecause you thought it was safe to go back in the water.
Because this time, It's Personal!
I'm saddened that the three wolf - full moon t shirt didn't make the list. However I'm hopeful that it's because you recognized its status as above these and that a full reflection on the comic reviews deserves a whole article to itself. I've had hours of entertainment reading the reviews. Hope you enjoy as well! :)
ReplyFrom #1... top review... lol
ReplyI do not know if human language can sufficiently describe what has been unleashed upon this world.
My Parent Child Testing Product, 5 Pack arrived just yesterday. Excitedly, I tore open the packaging and set each tiny warrior in a row near the edge of a table. Once they were properly oriented (toward Venus, as per the instructions, which appeared to be written in blood), I pulled up a chair and stared intently into their eyes, awaiting my test. I have always suspected that I am a child, but eagerly awaited firm confirmation. Once several uneventful hours passed, I decided to leave the house for a bit.
You know those pictures where, no matter where you are in the room, it looks like the person's eyes are looking right at you? The Parent Child Testing Product is like that, except it doesn't matter how far away from the product you are. It constantly feels as if it is not only looking at you, but peering into the darkest depths of your soul, questioning your very essence as a human being. This disturbed me, so I eventually threw all five figurines into the trash. It is at this time that each Parent Child Testing Product began to emit a sound. To say the sound was not of this earth is an understatement of the utmost severity. It was as if each scream since the beginning of time was layered on top of one another, followed by a whooshing sound that I can only assume was the act of stealing my soul and the souls of everyone I have ever loved.
When I looked in the trash can, the figurines were gone. I am typing this from underneath my bed. Only now does the true goal of the test become clear. Survival.
of f**k, its Cthulu again isnt it...
ill get the time machine ready
Final Attack Ride:- AAAAgito!!!!!
ReplyThe last review was the best.
ReplyA shame you missed this gem of a review for "Fresh Whole Rabbit"
Reply"I know what it's like to be a feral dog, August 6, 2007
By M. Rosen (Madison, WI)
Like many suburban homeowners, I like to kill and eat the wild animals that populate my backyard. To keep it sporting, I hunt naked, with my teeth and long sharpened fingernails as my only weapons. I've feasted on squirrel, raccoon, vole and numerous songbirds. But no matter how long I lay spread eagle and motionless in the hot noonday sun, I have never been able to outwit and catch any of the plump and juicy rabbits that hop just outside my reach and then bolt for the woods when I leap forward with a blood-curdling shriek. I have chased them at a dead run through the yards of the many unoccupied homes that surround mine but the pursuit always ends in frustration. But no more, thanks to Amazon. Every week, I order a fresh whole rabbit and affix it to a remote control car that is operated by one of my children. This way, I get the thrill of the hunt, and when the car's batteries are exhausted, I can leap upon it, bury my teeth into the rabbit's soft flesh and perform my ritual victory dance right there in the Walgreen's parking lot."
I nearly died
I spent way too much time laughing hysterically at the Parent Child Testing Product reviews... the pictures for it are hilarious, too.
ReplyI've discovered what the Parent Child Testing Product is: Kamen Rider Agito finger puppets.
I f*****g love this article.
ReplyThis is hysterical. I motion that they make this a running series of articles like the "You won't believe these aren't photoshopped" articles.
ReplySecond
thrid