David Christopher Bell
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It's Oscar season, folks. While most of the industry is hovering around Leonardo DiCaprio waiting to see how hard he'll crack if he doesn't get a little gold man trophy, the craziest movies out there aren't getting nearly enough hype. That's where our ongoing series about the lesser-known grotesqueries soon to be haunting your theaters and streaming devices comes in.
Why talk about The Revenant's bear rape scene that never happened when you could be watching these nutjob films that are just as horrifying?
Ability Films
It's not every day that Daniel Radcliffe and Paul Dano make half of Sundance magically disappear over a film about a suicidal island castaway talking to a farting corpse washed up on the beach. In fact, I'm pretty sure that kind of audience-killing curse is going to happen only once.
Ability Films
Avada Cadaver!
Directed by the folks behind Lil Jon's genital-possessed "Turn Down For What" music video, the film, it's probably no surprise to hear, opens with Paul Dano literally riding a violently farting corpse to shore like a jet ski -- a scene that required the production team to construct a prosthetic mold of Radcliffe's bare ass and record their own farts to use in post.
As described by Variety, the whole experience is a cross between Castaway and Weekend At Bernie's ... if Bernie had a posthumous erection that was then used as a makeshift compass. No, really -- that's something that happens in this movie ... along with the hero drinking buckets of water puked by a corpse and an underwater kissing scene between Paul Dano and Daniel Radcliffe. Sign me the fuck up. By all accounts, this film looks so tongue-eatingly crazy that even the behind-the-scenes photos look like FBI surveillance of a cult's final day.
Ability Films
It's like the middle of Deathly Hallows Part 1, but interesting.
Considering that the entire premise was conceived as a joke between the directors, there's no guarantee that any of this adds up to a good movie ... just one that's aggressively worth watching, like a church fire or drunk dog.
Magnet Releasing
Remember that '90s David Cronenberg film about car wreck booty and leg-fucking? Yeah you do, you freak. Well, that was written by J.G. Ballard, who once wrote a novel about luxury high-rise residents devolving into a tribal, cutthroat Hunger Games community of maniacs. So, obviously filmmakers have spent the last 30 years trying to get a movie adaptation out of a book that sounds like Mad Max, But In A Building. Thankfully, the movie is on its way, and in it two of Britain's greatest villains get sauced by viscera.
Magnet Releasing
It took 30 minutes for anyone to realize that Jeremy Irons hadn't actually visited the makeup trailer yet.
From what I can tell, the movie is about a hot-shot doctor living the good life in a secluded community atop this retro-yet-modern tower designed by Simon Gruber. All is well until a series of power outages and indiscretions creates tension between the upper- and lower-floor classes within the building, leading to an explosion of tribal war as the '70s swank crumbles like Snowpiercer crashing into the set of American Hustle.
Having not read the book, I have no goddamn clue why Tom Hiddleston and Jeremy Irons are covered in blood and paint, assuming that's paint and not '70s semen, but as the surprisingly not-over-a-million-views trailer indicates -- the reason might have something to do with sinister hallway skulking ...
Magnet Releasing
... or a series of zany dance-offs, nude sunbathing, and delightful costume parties.
Magnet Releasing
The last shot isn't from the movie. That's just how Hiddleston normally sleeps.
CineMater
A few years ago, Red Bull announced the seemingly laughable launch of their own production house focused on films about sports (and, presumably, taurine). Since then, the company has augmented their model to include non-athletic narratives as well ... and while I would normally be buckling over in laughter, I'm too busy being hypnotized by Sam Neill's Dracula robe, melting face, and the overall Aphex Twin-ness of their upcoming film DxM.
CineMater
Red Bull gives you FUCKING NIGHTMARES.
The story follows a group of biology students attempting to create a wireless neural network that will give back mobility to a once famous and now paralyzed free-runner ...
CineMater
... only to realize that they have the ability to transfer someone's motor skills to multiple bodies through a quantum computer, thus altering reality in the gothiest of ways.
CineMater
I'm 80 percent sure the middle shot was actually a Cure cover.
The result appears to be a mix between gritty sci-fi technology and surreal magical properties used to attempt world domination ... which I'm guessing involves Sam Neill once again playing the role of "guy who should really stay the fuck away from science." Considering that this was directed by the poor soul responsible for the Wesley Snipes jail-time filibuster Gallowwalkers, this movie can result only in Nth-level cinematic wonderment or a public pants-peeing failure. Either way, I'm on board, because I'll never pass up a chance to see Sam Neill looking like a warlock.
Visit Films
As anyone who's ever had sex can tell you, the worst sexual encounters are plagued not only with regret but with mediocrity. Regrettable sex is usually only so regrettable up to a point -- if it was amazing, there's probably a part of you that thinks, "Sure, I destroyed my family, wrecked my career, and permanently stained the interior of my car over that one encounter, but that one encounter will fuel my fantasy life for decades, so it was pretty much a wash." We can all relate.
What's not relatable is what happens in Lace Crater: A woman fucks a ghost wrapped in a bedsheet.
Visit Films
"Do you have a pottery wheel?"
You read that right. Lace Crater is about a young woman who spends the weekend in her friend's haunted guesthouse, only to encounter and ultimately rail a bona fide ghost man. While that's totally a thing we're all raising our hands to do, it turns out that fucking a phantom isn't all the glory it's imagined to be, and our hero ends up with a goop-inducing STD from beyond.
Visit Films
Should have used a proton pack of condoms.
It's a challenging tale met head-on by director Harrison Atkins, who until now has made only short films like Chocolate Heart: the story of a man raised by cats who talks to toilets and has hands for genitals.
Harrison Atkins
Like if they made feature-length Old Spice or Skittles ads.
So yeah, while a dramatic supernatural comedy about otherworldly gland inflammation may sound like a marathon of insanity, rest assured that the guy making it considers this a walk in the park.
New Line Cinema
For those of you who've never watched it, Tommy Wiseau's The Room is the ultimate embodiment of the American dream. Picture the drown-victim version of '90s Trent Reznor ghouling his way into multiple gratuitous sex scenes while starring in the movie equivalent of a slow stroke, and you've got a good feeling for The Room. Better yet, watch this 31-second scene exclusively about buying flowers and petting a dog:
OK, now imagine that scene for an additional hour and 38 minutes, but with more football throwing and ungodly hip-thrusts. Then have a gander at this picture from James Franco's Instagram:
James Franco
This pug is the only one in either scene showing the proper level of shame.
Sweet George Washington! The film is called The Disaster Artist and is based on the nonfiction book of the same name, co-written by none other than Greg Sestero -- who produced and starred in the original film as Mark, a role now bestowed on Dave Franco.
James Franco
"Hi, Davey." *pets head*
Along with our two lead roles, the biographical comedy features Seth Rogen as the film's script supervisor, Josh Hutcherson as the talent behind the character Denny, Jacki Weaver as the mother who "definitely has cancer," Zac Efron as one of the roof ruffians who beats on Denny, and a rumored appearance by Bryan Cranston ... somehow making this a tribute to monumental shit that's perched upon a star-studded pedestal of beaming faces.
Future Film
On June 5, 1960, a group of young Finnish campers were bestowed the honor of accidentally inventing the teen slasher genre by getting horrifically stabbed next to a lake. Since then, their murders have sparked a series of local folklore and fear, as well as an unsuccessful investigation into the identity of the killer. And just to be crystal clear, I'm in no way referring to a fictional occurrence.
Finnish National Bureau of Investigation
Those are the four victims, and only one survived the night. Along with being a notorious mystery, the Lake Bodom murders have spawned multiple books, films, and at least one Finnish death metal band (obviously) -- and are now about to gain even more notoriety if the following trailer is any haunting indication:
Did you watch it? For those of you at work, the above video begins with a scenic view of the lake in question, followed by a slow pull through a littered campsite ...
Future Film
Our journey ends in a tent, where a half-naked woman wheezes out her remaining breaths while doused in what I'm going to assume is her blood. The trailer ends with a cameo by Legs McSkullSplitter and his casual murder ax, juuuust in case there's any confusion that we're seeing a murder and not the exhausted aftermath of a naked pie-eating contest.
Future Film
"No, I do that after."
So far, this single sinister shot is all we have for Bodom, an upcoming indie film about a similar gang of teens, their pilgrimage to the infamous murder site, and their mission to re-create and solve the gruesome mystery. I don't know why, but I feel like it's not going to end with s'mores bellyaches and unprotected sex.
Shoreline Entertainment
Along with making life worth living, Fury Road taught a new generation that there's nothing cooler than the exterior husk of a soul-rot wasteland drifter. While it's impossible to compete with that film, David Arquette's Orion is daring to challenge Mad Max's sentiment by showing the way-less-dignified side of the smoldering post-apocalypse.
Shoreline Entertainment
George Miller's Zardoz.
These are set photos from the 2012 production of this only-now-debuting film about a solitary traveler on a quest to follow the titular constellation toward a mystical city, only to encounter a booby-trapped fortress run by a baby-murdering cannibal shaman named Magus the Magician.
Shoreline Entertainment
His only trick is making poop instantly appear in your pants.
It's then up to our loinclothed hero to rescue a woman held captive by this foe, who also happens to be a goddamn shapeshifter thanks to humankind apparently fudging the world so much that we accidentally invent medieval dark magic. While not much more info is available about this years-in-the-making film, the low-res trailer seems to indicate that taking on a mystic voodoo-face in the scorched corpse of civilization isn't the festive sleigh ride we're all no doubt picturing.
Shoreline Entertainment
Though it looks like someone is getting ridden.
A24 Films
Already sporting a 91 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, Green Room is like getting a gift you didn't know you wanted your whole life. The film follows a down-and-out punk band who get one last gig in the bum-fuckness of Oregon, only to discover that they're playing for a roadhouse of Nazi skinheads after hilariously opening with "Nazi Punks Fuck Off" by The Dead Kennedys. After miraculously finishing their set, the band prepares to screw off for good before stumbling on the aftermath of a murder cover-up and subsequently finding themselves one locked door away from a gang of murderous Doc Martens.
A24 Films
"Open the door; we'd Reich to talk ..."
From there, the movie becomes an all-out siege as the good guys try to escape a barrage of furious Nazi dogs, machete hacks, and good ol' firearms controlled by the skins' ruthless and terrifying leader ...
A24 Films
... Captain Goddamn Picard.
A24 Films
"White power. Piping hot."
Yep. It turns out that miracles exist, for after a couple decades since brainwashing Mel Gibson, the noble Stewster is once more drawing the villain card as the master-race-loving owner of a violent skinhead club. And while the entire premise of this film sounds absolutely nail-biting regardless of his presence, it's instantly made legendary by the imagined Nazi-off with Ian McKellen where the loser dresses up in a funny hat and buys margaritas. Because sometimes the world is a magical place.
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Be sure to check out some other insane movies you probably missed in 6 New Movies That Deserve Way More Attention and 6 More New Movies That Deserve Way More Hype.
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