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Everyone's holding parades over the upcoming Zoolander, Independence Day, Jurassic Park, Ghostbusters, Alien, and Tron sequels despite historically having no good reason to do so. But while these films are too far down the line to make any definite judgment on (besides that they are terrible ideas), we thought it might be fun to stop thinking about the future and (in our brand-new series) look at the crazy we have right in front of us. Specifically, the following aggressively awesome works of cinema that are hurdling at your face this very moment ...

6
Roar: A Lost '80s Melanie Griffith Film That Resulted in 70 Goddamn Lion Attacks

Drafthouse Films

As we've explored previously on the site, Noel Marshall was best known for producing The Exorcist, one of the most notoriously cursed productions ever. As if to outdo himself, his next project and directorial debut was called Roar -- a film about a loving family sharing a house with over 150 untrained jungle cats. In order to achieve this sophisticated effect, Marshall took his loving family and stuck them in a house with over 150 untrained jungle cats. The results looked exactly like this:

Drafthouse Films
"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing catnip."

Over the course of the 11 horrifying years it took to make this movie, over 70 crew and cast members were severely attacked -- including several who lost fingers and cinematographer (and later director of Speed) Jan de Bont actually getting scalped by one of the lions.

via blackholereviews.blogspot.com
You have to admire his, "I don't care how this looks, I'm keeping the rest of it,
I don't give a fuck" level of stubbornness.

You can watch a lot of the highlights play out in this behind-the-scenes clip, which features a hilarious life-or-death struggle between a group of screeching John Carpenter characters and scores of indifferent feline beasts batting them around like giant housecats.

Drafthouse Films

Drafthouse Films
I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
.

And now, to the betterment of all society, Roar is finally getting a limited theatrical release from Drafthouse Films, followed by Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD releases in the summer. Indeed, Roar is truly the zenith of jaunty 102-minute family comedies about people trying desperately to act and not get mauled into pulpy shambles.

5
Raiders!: A Documentary About the Greatest Fan Film That Ever Was

Jeremy Coon Productions

While everyone's getting tumescent over the prospect of a Spielberg-directed Chris Pratt Indiana Jones film, two directors brought the 2015 SXSW audience a film with more charm than Star Lord's little finger. Raiders! chronicles the 30-year quest of 11-year-old kids who set out to make the ultimate Indiana Jones fan film: a shot-for-shot remake of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Here's the first 10 minutes, sans the sound (because copyright is a dick):

Imagine the work and ingenuity those little brains put into just that scene -- now imagine the entire rest of the film being done in the same sweded fashion ... all except for the infamous Flying Wing scene where Nazi Steve Austin eats propeller, which the friends never got around to doing because of a falling out.

At least until now ...

Jeremy Coon Productions
Another crew was making their Highlander fan film down the road.

So sure, gush all you want about another Spielberg/Lucas Indiana Jones adventure -- but our money's on the movie shot in a backyard of a couple of rowdy prepubescents being arguably the fourth best of the series. Perhaps the third best.

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4
The Void: Practical Effects Straight Out of Hell

Cave Painting Pictures

Ever since this series began, we've always shown a blatant hard-on for monster movies done with practical effects. While there may be some debate about whether or not CGI looks better than in-camera action, the advantage of doing things practical comes from the level of care that goes into a film before the camera even starts rolling. Like shooting on expensive 35mm film, there's a mandatory level of thoughtfulness and planning that every film should abide by, but that digital makes easy to ignore. Also, some things really do look better when it's not CGI. Face tentacles, for example.

The Void is about a police officer who rushes an injured stranger to a near-empty hospital filled with patients and employees slowly metamorphosing into terrifying inhuman abominations. From the trailer on their Indiegogo page (which you can donate to now!), it appears that these transformative shenanigans include but are not limited to ax murder, twisted doctors, and pyramid-worshiping cultists of some kind.

Cave Painting Pictures
"Eh, better you than those other white-robed assholes."

All from a team that has previously worked on films like Pacific Rim, directed a segment in ABCs of Death, and made something called Manborg.

Astron-6
Half Manb, Half Org, All Hero.

3
Spearhunter: A Character Piece About a Spear-Throwing Maniac

Bar None Productions

While some documentaries are poignant and world-changing, others like the 2009 Winnebago Man are simply about celebrating a single weirdo in the vast universe like a golden needle in a haystack. Or in the case of Spearhunter, the dude who finds the needle before murdering buffalo with it ...

Bar None Productions
That shirt either says "Spear Hunter" or "Oprah Dunker." We're not sure which is more impressive.

The film follows Eugene C. Morris, the self-proclaimed "greatest spearhunter" ever, spearhunting author, spearhunting museum curator, and (according to the trailer) a sex-hound extraordinaire (presumably spear-related). It's basically the most awesome combination of things a person can be, cut short when Morris died while spearhunting (obviously) in 2011. What appears to remain are the fond memories from his followers ...

Bar None Productions

... a series of home videos of Morris jabbing animals with pointed sticks ...

Bar None Productions

... and a series of home videos of Morris raving about his prowess at jabbing animals with pointed sticks.

Bar None Productions
"I also fucked Oprah."

While this documentary may be short-form, we really see no reason why this premise can't carry four straight hours of some old guy murdering deer from trees like a drunk Predator between equally voracious bouts of love-making.

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2
The Yellow Feather: Conquistadors + Monsters

Lincoln Smith, Lucas Smith

Finding an unused movie monster gets harder with every original idea that Hollywood thinks up. Thankfully, that doesn't happen often anymore, but the struggle remains very real. Cue The Yellow Feather, a Kickstarted adventure-horror film that proves there's still many-a-lore to be tapped drier than a vampire eating a werewolf zombie ...

Lincoln Smith, Lucas Smith
Mario, for example.

That's called the Q'uq'umatz, a feathered serpent from ancient Mayan legend seen in pop culture only in a single episode of The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror. While the mythos may credit Q'uq'umatz for helping to build civilization, its role in this film about an orphaned girl fighting Spanish conquistadors in 16th-century Guatemala promises to be less about creating things and more about gobbling them up in a bloody rage.

LR Weinberger
"FEED ME, SIMONE!"

As the directors explain on their Kickstarter, the film hopes to do to Mayan culture what Alien did to little green men, the only difference being that their monster only eats assholes trying to slaughter Mayans. It's basically the only Mayan revenge porn film you'll ever see ... at least until Hollywood steals it for a hit franchise starring Ian Somerhalder or some shit.

1
Victoria: Screw Birdman; This Movie Actually Is a Single 134-Minute Shot

Senator Film

A while ago we told you about the film Russian Ark, which consists of an uncut 86-minute shot moving through 36 different rooms of a museum and was so grueling to shoot that it almost never happened. Now imagine the same feat, only 50 minutes longer, shot in a city, about a goddamn heist. That's Victoria -- a German film following a Spanish party girl who meets three men that apparently turn out to be a group of thieves as our hero goes from clubber to accidental bank robber.

Did we mention it's all one fucking shot?

Senator Film
So more like Run Birdman Run.

That kind of feels like something we mentioned but can't quite stress enough, considering that such a feat requires the coordination of 150 extras, 22 filming locations, six assistant directors, and three sound crews shooting from 4:30 in the morning in a bleak hope of making a record-pummeling film. So sure, Birdman was kick-ass for its performances, directing, and cinematographer simulating a singular shot the way Rope did ... but that shit is training wheels compared to this, which as far as we can tell has no hype, worldwide release date, or thorough Wikipedia page, despite being something the Academy should be wetting themselves over this very moment. Spread the word.

Know of an amazing upcoming film nobody is talking about? Tell Dave on Twitter.

Click here and here for previous installments of Cracked's series on woefully under-hyped weird new movies.

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