gum." Escort: -looking closely-
"It's just gum." Chris: "And she'd know."
Worse than the gift not good enough for the receiver is the gift not good enough for the giver. The traditional way to regift involves a kitchen gadget received one-to-two years previously from a distant relative, but if used in combination with certain sleight of hand techniques on the day of festivities, it can be used to dramatically cut down on both your Christmas shopping, as well as any participation in relatives' Last Wills & Testaments. How This Might Go:
Sister-In-Law: "This looks like the same sweater I just got you." Chris: "No, it's a different one." Sister-In-Law: "Where is the sweater I just got you?" Chris: "I already put it in the car." Sister-In-Law: "You ran out and put it in the car and came back without anyone noticing?" Chris: "I thought it strange too, but everyone was very involved with themselves and their presents. This is a very self-involved family. I think the materialism of the holiday is having a really negative effect on us." Sister-In-Law: "Mmhm. Why, I wonder, would you think to get a sweater several sizes too large for me?" Chris: "Several sizes? I mean ... you are kind of getting more ..." Sister-In-Law: "I'm kind of getting what?" Escort: "Easy buddy." Chris: "More ... lovely." Sister-In-Law: "Uh-huh." Chris: "More as in volume. Voluminous amounts of loveliness. Anyways, I'll be in the car."
You Don't Have To Love Them As Much When They're Not Yours
For kids, Christmas is just fantastic
, easily the best day of the year, if not their entire young lives. And this isn't youthful foolishness, kids getting excited for no reason -- they're right to be excited. It's an entire day dedicated to chocolate and toys and tipping over the brain's pleasure-bucket and letting the serotonin spill all over. That special joy that shows up in a child's eyes on Christmas is a thing to behold, and it's only natural that you'd get kind of jealous of it and snipe at it a bit. How This Might Go:
Chris: "Well how was I supposed to know she still believed in Santa?" Sister-In-Law: "You should have assumed it!" Chris: "Assume? Assume?
ASSUME just makes an ASS out of U and ME." Sister-In-Law: "Well then you could have kept your mouth shut and read the situation like a normal person." Chris: "I did read the situation! She's like 7 years old! Who believes in Santa when they're 7?" Sister-In-Law: "She's 4." Chris: "Really? Wow. And you let her dress like that?"
Eggnog's kind of a weird drink. It's got egg in it, for one. Not many other drinks feature eggs, really any that I can think of, aside from the one I invented back in college called the Eggshibitionist, which was basically straight gin served in a L'eggs pantyhose egg.
They don't make those egg containers any more, which means, logically, this Christmas you'll have to drink eggnog until you can see through walls.
How This Might Go:
Sister-In-Law: "You've had too much eggnog." Chris: "I have had not too much ... much too not ... eggnog." Sister-In-Law: "You're proving my point." Chris: "There's no such thing as too much eggnog. Scientists are studying this topic right now and have already made several surprising findings." Sister-In-Law: "You just called my daughter a slut." Chris: "I did not! I implied
that you dress her like one. You need to take some listening comprehension classes. Science has also shown that words mean different things. It's ... it's amazing." Sister-In-Law: -sniffing-
"What's in that eggnog? Don't say science." Chris: "But ... it is.
Emulsifi ... fissifications and what not. What else can I say if I can't say the S-word? I feel like you've really set me up to fail here." Escort: "He's been topping it up from that box of wine." Chris: -hiccough-
"I'll top you up." Sister-In-Law: "Ewugh." Escort: -simultaneously-
Eventually the festivities will be over, and you'll be driving home with your spouse or escort, and you'll get in an argument about how horrible your family is, and you'll be so angry that you'll fail to realize that no one's taking the side of your family and that you're not actually arguing with each other. How This Might Go:
Chris: "You know, thanks. You were a total pro through all of this." Escort: "Happens every holiday. Better than my family." Chris: "Your family's worse than this?" Escort: "Well ..." Chris: "See?" Escort: "We don't have you in it." Chris: "That counts. I'm a part of my family. Our family's the worst. Checkmate!" -long silence while Escort parks my car in front of my apartment-
Escort: "So." Chris: "So." Escort: "So." Chris: "Right. So here's the $800 for the day. And uh ..." Escort: "It's OK. You can ask." Chris: "Well, I was hoping to earn some of that back." -the sound of an enormous, totally professional slap, followed by a slamming car door, followed by wine-nog-vomit splashing over the dash and tear-choked laughter-
For more survivor manuals from Chris, check out So You're Accidentally Stalking Helen Mirren and Online Dating Strategies.
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