The 7 Types of Holiday Fights You're About to Get In
The busiest fighting week of the year is almost upon us. Across the world families will soon come together and rediscover the reasons they moved apart in the first place, arguments growing into fights, growing into turkey-scented orgies of ruptured feelings.
Merry Christmas everyone.Because families everywhere are all composed of the same elements -- mothers, alcoholic uncles, siblings with both sets of genitals who were raised as boys -- it turns out that we all have basically the same arguments. Below I've cataloged some of the most common types of fights you'll likely participate in during the coming week, with the hopes that you'll use the lessons learned within to really make someone cry. I've added some illustrative examples to each fight, which due to a lack of parties willing to sign releases, I'm forced to state are fictional.
JudginessAs soon as you walk in the door, critical eyes are turned your way. Your posture, the quality of your clothes, the paucity of gifts you appear to be bringing; all of these things are getting noticed and tallied by the more judgmental members of your clan.
"You have a job but not a career, your pants don't fit, and I'm still not 100 percent convinced you're mine. Welcome home."Worst of all is the evaluation of anyone you happen to be bringing home with you, and how they might compare with the perfect shrew of a wife your perfect ass of a brother has. How This Might Go: Shrewish Sister-In-Law: "So how well do you know Ellen?" Chris "Everyman" Bucholz: "Real well. Super real well even. But I don't want to come off as bragging." Sister-In-Law: "Because she doesn't seem that familiar pronouncing your name." Chris: "Maybe I changed my name. Maybe you don't know my name?" Sister-In-Law: "Did you change your name?" Chris: "No." Sister-In-Law: "Is she a prostitute?" Chris: "Of course not! She's more of a ... companion." Sister-In-Law: "Like an escort?" Chris: "Essentially." Sister-In-Law: "That's awful." Chris: "You're not impressed I can afford an escort for a whole half-day?" Sister-In-Law: "We're not impressed because you brought a prostitute home for Christmas!" Chris: "She's not a prostitute! She's an escort!" Sister-In-Law: "Same difference." Chris: "It is not. At this point, all I've done is paid her for her company. There's nothing explicitly agreed to about what could happen later, sex-wise. She could end up paying me for sex." Escort: "Yeah, I'm not going to do that." Chris: "Hey. Hey.