While writing Internet comedy is my cool superhero job, my real world identity has seen me do some pretty shady things to make a buck. I worked at a Staples once. On purpose. Briefly. But other jobs required me to wear shirts and ties and to move about and interact with people in a human, normal way and not like a monstrous slave to a douche corporate leviathan run by sinister, greedy cave trolls.
One fine day while out and about on a job, I came to one of those nefarious stairways that serve to boggle the mind of travelers around the globe. A staircase of about four steps, each shallow and pointless and as wide as the mighty Mississippi. And the stairs were bisected by a metal banister forged by the hands of hell's own blacksmith.
They call him ... Larry.
Strutting along as I was, I didn't particularly notice the patch of water near the top of the step from errant rain, an impromptu floor washing or just a drooly fellow who had been standing there for too long. It doesn't matter why it was there, it was there. And I slipped on it. Like a wishbone on Thanksgiving torn between two slow-witted cousins, my legs went akimbo, each to one side of the banister. My testicles, wary of such blunt force trauma, quickly leaped to my innards. My poor, dumbfounded junk, however, had no idea what was coming for it.
I smashed the banister with enough force to cause me to yell, in an office building, the most fearsome string of obscenities I had ever set free. My wang bent like a hilarious twisty straw in a child's smoothie. Bent. What part of it bent? I don't know, whatever that stuff inside is that makes you have boners when it's not bent.
You'll notice, if you have occasion to own a bent wiener, that a bent wiener is as useful as a Kardashian on the set of Jeopardy! On 364 other days of the year, this would barely be a problem, short of the painful urination and the twinge of anguish whenever something even close to arousal showed up, but as it happened, my Internet comedian's once annual sexing had just come up in the cosmic lottery.