The 5 Least Sexy Experiences Everyone Goes Through
Oh, hello. I didn't see you there, because I wrote this about a week before you're reading it and haven't quite polished seeing through time yet. When I do, I'll meet you in the shower. The naked shower. I'll be the guy from the future with the smirk.
Likely you're surprised to see me back here -- my firm, supple buttocks poised just so; my hilarious column free from Gladstone's taint (I use that word in every sense). Perhaps you're even wondering where I've been. Are you wondering that? Don't answer, I'll never know what you said, because I pay a Finnish man to answer all my mail with swears.
Assuming you have been wondering where I had gone, you're very much in luck, because I plan on telling you. I started working at Cracked for the same reason I left -- sweet sexings. Once I had reasonably established myself as a primo comedy seductress, I ventured out to be all the stud I could be. But let me be the first to assure you: That was a terrible idea. No one wants to make awkward, sweaty love to an Internet comedian. It did, however, give me time to reflect on those awful events in life that wick away your sexiness like moisture from a crotch, thanks to some advanced microfiber bikini briefs.
Physical crotch trauma is boner kryptonite, assuming your boner comes from space and is affected by the remnants of its exploded home world. It's one of the most real, immediate and awful ways your sexy time can be shut down faster than a Vatican City burlesque house. Like trying to flip an egg with a spatula that has been kicked in the nuts, trying to engage in sweet, seductive coitus with a wiener that has been kicked in the nuts is just not plausible. To the anecdotes!
And the pictures of coiled meat.
While writing Internet comedy is my cool superhero job, my real world identity has seen me do some pretty shady things to make a buck. I worked at a Staples once. On purpose. Briefly. But other jobs required me to wear shirts and ties and to move about and interact with people in a human, normal way and not like a monstrous slave to a douche corporate leviathan run by sinister, greedy cave trolls.
One fine day while out and about on a job, I came to one of those nefarious stairways that serve to boggle the mind of travelers around the globe. A staircase of about four steps, each shallow and pointless and as wide as the mighty Mississippi. And the stairs were bisected by a metal banister forged by the hands of hell's own blacksmith.
They call him ... Larry.
Strutting along as I was, I didn't particularly notice the patch of water near the top of the step from errant rain, an impromptu floor washing or just a drooly fellow who had been standing there for too long. It doesn't matter why it was there, it was there. And I slipped on it. Like a wishbone on Thanksgiving torn between two slow-witted cousins, my legs went akimbo, each to one side of the banister. My testicles, wary of such blunt force trauma, quickly leaped to my innards. My poor, dumbfounded junk, however, had no idea what was coming for it.
I smashed the banister with enough force to cause me to yell, in an office building, the most fearsome string of obscenities I had ever set free. My wang bent like a hilarious twisty straw in a child's smoothie. Bent. What part of it bent? I don't know, whatever that stuff inside is that makes you have boners when it's not bent.
You'll notice, if you have occasion to own a bent wiener, that a bent wiener is as useful as a Kardashian on the set of Jeopardy! On 364 other days of the year, this would barely be a problem, short of the painful urination and the twinge of anguish whenever something even close to arousal showed up, but as it happened, my Internet comedian's once annual sexing had just come up in the cosmic lottery.
Our art department is allergic to subtlety.
You cannot have sex with a bruised, bent wiener. You just can't. No matter how hard you try. And you will try so hard. The sad fact is that a steel banister is to sex what an angry raccoon is to bath time.
Being sick is rarely conducive to hot times, unless you're afflicted with hump fever, which can be contracted from South American monkeys and Soren Bowie. But there's a world of difference between "I have a sinus cold and just don't feel very into it right now" and "I hope nobody noticed but I just shit myself on the futon."
"Look at the nail polish and not at my pants, look at the nail polish and not at my pants."
Before you ask, the answer is yes, I shit myself on a futon. But I was sick. You've done it too, right? Fuck it, I'm assuming yes.
You may wonder what possesses a man to not only shit himself on a futon, but to share that tidbit in a comedy article that will then be read by literally tens of you, many of whom are not my mom or Gladstone. Or Gladstone's mom. Hey, Mrs. G. S'up? Well, I'm nothing if not an educator, so my suffering is for your gain. Enjoy!
Normal sickness is just normal sickness and hardly worth writing about. To get to the kind of sickness that makes you reconsider being a sexual being at all and, more importantly, makes others reconsider you as a sexual being, you need a number of variables to fall into place at the same time, a perfect shitstorm, if you will. You're going to want to invest in a mild case of the flu mixed with some undercooked hot wings, and then try your hand at drinking a glass of milk followed by a glass of orange juice. Why would you do something like this? Because you're an idiot.
This is not the breakfast of champions.
Once you have all your ingredients together, basically all you need to do is mix them up in your intestines, lay down on the futon in someone else's basement as weakness and chills rack your body and wait for nature to say "Hey, why's your ass clenched so tight? Let's get to work back there."
The day you lose bowel control on someone else's furniture when you're neither drunk beyond belief nor a toddler is the day you realize that if anyone even agrees to be in the same room with you ever again you're a lucky fella.
It's also the day you realize adult diapers aren't just for the elderly.
She's Not the One
You would think that pair bonding is the sort of thing that leads to sexy feelings. You're in a relationship, you've seen each other naked, no one needs therapy or Gravol, things are good. You are wrong.
If the divorce rate hasn't convinced you that being in a relationship does not necessarily indicate any degree of happiness or sexual satisfaction, let it also be known that the wrong relationship can shatter your libido as surely as a banister shattering your crank.
"I'm just pooping with the door open while flossing my teeth. Up for some sex?"
Obviously, determining that a relationship isn't working takes people some time (that's why there's so many piss-poor relationships out there), but a good sign you've grossly misjudged how things are going to work out for you is photographic evidence of excrement. Did I just make two entries in the same sex article about poop? Sure did.
Without being too explicit, I will tell you this -- I have been on the receiving end of an email that contained photographs of shit. The person sending me these pictures was neither my older brother nor a college buddy who thought this would be drunkenly hilarious. It was an ex-girlfriend who was, to the best of my knowledge, mostly female and everything.
This is only considered romantic in Germany.
When a girl sends you a photo of her shit, complete with a story about how proud she was of said shit, it's time to be single. You will also question every sexual encounter you may have had up to that point and start wondering what other gross stuff may have been going on that you never knew about. Stuff that you may have gotten on you without even realizing it. Stuff that could still be in your house to this day, because who knows? How often do you scrub the ceilings? Stuff could be up there.
Any time sex and family cross paths, you can rest assured you'll be more interested in watching C-SPAN than porn for a day or two. You catch your parents humping, your grandpa insists he was only hanging curtains in the nude when he slipped and fell on that jar of peanut butter, whatever it is, it's never a good scene.
Sure, Aunt Gertrude, it was just time to feed the donkey and you forgot your nightgown.
When I was a teenager -- just around that age when you realize that you technically can't spend all day in your room treating yourself like an amusement park, but technically you could -- I woke up one day and meandered my way to the living room, probably stoked to watch some Food Network or whatever it was I did to pass the time in my teens. It was morning and no one else was awake yet, including my brother, who was passed out in a mostly sitting position on the couch.
Here's the part where normally I do some tense build-up to the hilarious pay off at the end of a paragraph, but I'll spare you the wait and tell you his dick was hanging out of a hole in his pants.
If you've never walked into a room inhabited by an unconscious family member whose genitals are protruding from a hole in their sweatpants, you hold that little nugget close to yourself and use it to comfort you at night. Take a moment, right now, it's OK.
Thank God, and Seetharaman Narayanan for the crop tool while you're at it.
In order to continue this story, you need to know a little more about me. I went to university, I took philosophy and English, I was and maybe still am considered smart by any number of people. It's all built on bullshit. Lies and subterfuge. Ever since I was a toddler, I've been grifting people into expecting me to understand things when, really, I have no clue what the fuck is going on. I dated a girl who photographed her shit, for God's sake. And it's for that reason that when I walked into that room and saw what, to my eyes, looked for all the world like a wrinkled, shaved albino weasel that had just given up on life and passed out on my brother's leg, I just shrugged and sat down.
Like this, but slightly less unsettling.
About a half hour later, when whatever show I was watching ended, curiosity got the best of me and I turned on the sofa to take another look. And that's when I figured out what was going on. And that's when my soul just shook its head and wiped a tear away as my body ran its ass back upstairs.
God, don't you just love the Internet? Of course you do. The Internet is the reason the sun rises and kittens are adorable. It's also the home to an endless supply of pornography. How much porn? This Forbes article indicates that about 42,000 of the 1 million most-trafficked sites are porn. That may not seem like much until I make you go back and look at it: 42,000 is a lot of porn sites. That's a lot of sexy fun.
No, it isn't.
"So many anuses! Why are there so many anuses?"
For every wholesome porn site that celebrates naked Irish girls on trampolines, there's another site, the site your friends are going to email you a link to, that will show you things that make you wince. You think of the last time you winced. It doesn't seem like much, but that gesture means a lot to our species as a whole. We have crawled up from our primate ancestors, we learned to use tools, to farm, to communicate, to write, to make art. We war with one another on such a grand scale that we now possess weapons that could literally destroy all life. We have created music, machines and, in labs, even life itself. We have been to space. And through it all, a wince is the most primal, basic way we have to express our most uncomfortable feelings at seeing something terrible. There is porn that makes us wince.
Without porn, we'd likely all be having sex like dogs in alleys and, at the end of the day, that's kind of a beautiful dream. It's not that there's anything wrong with porn, it's just that it has to go so far. Just so far beyond the beauty of that back alley humpathon to some place uncomfortable, where there are girls with cups and blue waffles and guys we only know by the name Goatse. Why do you do that, Internet? It's the sexual equivalent of eating one of those eggs that's just a fetal duck. Things seemed to start out OK, but then they went terribly wrong.
For more from Fortey, check out The 7 Worst Things That Can (And Did) Happen at a Funeral and The 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys.