After the very first obstacle, in which the first kid is run through a steamroller, he grabs the boy's ass and hoists him up to the monkey bars, then grabs the girl by the elbow so forcefully that she falls on her face. In a telling moment, Summers says, "C'mon, get up" juuust slightly off-mic -- enough that you have to listen to hear it, but not enough to doubt that he barely stopped himself from adding the words "or you'll upset me." It's like his whole fucking career depends on these kids winning this thing. Note that in this version of the show, it was kids-only, so there weren't any dads around to say, "Um, what the hell are you doing?"

Nickelodeon

Summers is mesmerizing in his efficiency. From obstacle to obstacle, he physically assaults the kids in no way that would be allowed on TV today. At one point, he throws in an apology real quickly, maybe out of fear of what the other inmates are gonna think, or maybe because the show's lawyers just whispered in his ear, "Um, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING???" The best/worst part is when one of the kids tries in vain to crawl out of the pit and falls, presumably due to physical and mental exhaustion. Summers just pulls her by her arm, giving no fucks, and berates her to stand up. I can't stress enough how important this is to listen to with sound, because modern GIF technology hasn't yet adapted to incorporate Marc Summers' cold, cold heart. The attendants look like they are silently preparing their "just following orders" defenses.

Nickelodeon

And then, as the timer approaches zero, the boy going for the next flag just hangs his head in shame while Summers drags the other girl toward defeat, though her natural instinct is to get as far away from him as possible. Notice that Summers quickly checks to see if anyone is looking.

Nickelodeon

At the end, Summers gathers the kids to view their their prizes, but they are not happy. They look as if he just told them he was "not mad, but disappointed." He gives them a final "Are you OK?" but by that time, it wasn't worth the fucking Sketchers. The kids weren't even close to winning anyway, so if anything, Summers' grab-ass only hurt them and their self-esteem forever.

Nickelodeon

That's fine, whatever. Dumb mistake. But then the yellow team gets to play an arcade game.

This game needs a bit of explaining, because you're probably not used to video game graphics this bad. The girl's goal is to collect 60 coins. She gets 10 every time she kills one of the bad guys and steals their coins (her total is on the bottom left). She gets halfway to the goal in the first five seconds of the game, but then accidentally picks up a coin weapon, which ... apparently makes you throw all your money as an attack. So the host helpfully chimes in with, "Oops, she lost a little there," and then devolves to "She's throwing the money. You have to hold on to the money" in the most condescending tone possible. Predictably, she ends up throwing all the money, which the host helpfully explains to the audience, in case she didn't realize that she blew it. Hmm, I understand that games were a bit rudimentary back then, but the host could have maybe given the all-important instruction that "HEY, THIS BUTTON THROWS THE MONEY BACK. DON'T TOUCH IT."

Nickelodeon

From there, it goes off the rails. On the next question, the red team accidentally buzzes in before the choices are given, so they get it wrong. For the next one, yellow team buzzes in, blanks, and then asks the host to repeat the question. The host seems so frustrated that he has the audience yell out the answer, as if to remind these children that everyone around them is smarter than they are. Give 'em a break, dude. Did you not let these kids have a practice run?

In the final question, the host flashes a series of images on screen, alternating between office supplies and food items. The goal is to name three of the five office supplies. The red team almost gets it, naming the stapler and tape correctly. Then yellow team gets a chance. The boy starts to say "stapler," but the host gives them another spin of the images ... and the boy says "hamburger." He was just about to say the right answer. Why the fuck did you confuse him? Ya, he fucked up, but the host audibly holds back chuckles, even though he indirectly kept the kid from winning. This poor kid just did the equivalent of answering "D" in an "A-C" multiple choice question that you scribbled and crossed out on a piece of paper, and then you laughed at him.

Nickelodeon

This is practically child abuse. Look at these kids' faces as soon as they finish. This does not look fun. No one wants to play this. The host's voiceover makes it seem like gee-willikers silliness, but all these kids want to do is to go home so they can throw up.

Nickelodeon

Now, I know what you're thinking. This show was on in the early '90s, so how likely is it that the creators were aware of flip cup at the time? Well, party games have spotty histories, but flip cup is rumored to have been started by college students in the late '80s in New Jersey (pretty believable), and this show was on in the early '90s. Let's just say that it's way more likely that the adult creators of the show were aware of flip cup than it is that college students saw this show and said, "Hey we should do that, but with booze!"

He eventually gets kidnapped in the "Heart" room, so it's time for the girl's turn. She makes it to where he was before and heads up the ladder, but despite Kirk's yammering, there is clearly still no workable door. She pushes all the damn buttons.

Nickelodeon

She goes back down to the throne room and just kinda stomps around in frustration on the throne, because apparently sitting on the chair can also open doors (wait, what are the rules of this maze?). Eventually, she just crawls back to where she came from and runs out of time. But what the heck was she supposed to do? At one point, she even ended up BEHIND the set, because I guess it was easier to try to crawl around than to find that damn door.

Nickelodeon

Now, I know that whenever I would watch this show, I would just be screaming at the TV, telling the kids the correct way to do things, even though I wasn't there. And nothing was more frustrating than watching people put together the silver monkey. Goddamn it. It was three pieces of a monkey that you had to fit together on a pedestal. It looked so easy, but I think we all may have misjudged the contestants. There must be a reason every team struggled. In some of the episodes, the kids were clearly putting it together right, but it still didn't fit. Some kids even dropped or damaged the pieces. Other players would just give up and start mashing all the pieces together, probably while cursing Olmec's name.

Nickelodeon

Every kid who failed at the silver monkey probably got it spray-painted into their lockers, and the damn pieces didn't even work half the time. That's bullshit. I rescind all my eight-year-old criticism of anyone who had to endure that. Just more shit from Kirk Fogg.

In case your ears just immediately filled with blood upon clicking play, here are the lyrics:

Son: You baked the only pie I ever loved;
Mom: Now you put me on the shelf;
Son: I tried donuts, tarts, and cakes;
Mom: But make no mistake, I can't help myself.

Oh, that's cute, if not creeping into some vaguely uncomfortable territory. This couldn't possibly ...

Son: Now I admit I cheated and lied;
Mom: But you're the only one I ever pied;
Son: So darling please believe me when I say I'm willin';
Mom: I'll supply the crust, and you supply the fillin'.

No. No. No. No.

Nickelodeon

Son: Apple, cherry, it don't matter;
Mom: Without your pie, I'm gettin' sadder;
Son: Please don't leave me, don't say goodbye;
Mom: I need your love, and I need your pie.

Yup, that was a mother/son duo singing about filling her crust up with her son's cream pie. They went backstage with a professional performing country band for 20 minutes, and that's what they came up with. To her credit, Mom is a good sport and doesn't seem to see anything sexual in this at all, and it definitely goes way over Billy Ray Jr.'s head. But Marc just can't leave enough alone. At the end, he makes Mom repeat the last lines, and even sings along. If every 20-year-old production intern didn't immediately look at each other and smirk, then comedy is dead.

Nickelodeon

Nickelodeon

Here's "Collects Chewed Gum To Freshen Car." Because that's a normal, everyday hobby that parents should encourage and also agree to put on national cable television.

Nickelodeon

And here's a future serial killer. There's no other explanation.

Nickelodeon

Look at this list and try not to worry too much that these kids can now vote. This is the best that we as a generation could come up with? "Puts Little Sister in Bubble." "Grows His Own Foot Fungus." "Delivered Her Baby Brother." "Sings Crawfish to Sleep." "Holds Twenty Quarters in His Neck." And that's all in the first season. 80 percent of the talents come from parental neglect ("Growing Rat Tail Since Birth") or complete accidents ("Knocks Poker Chip Off Ear With Yo-Yo"), and the other 20 is just "Makes Funny Sound With Mouth." One girl's talent was that her mom gave her a crazy-long name that takes 30 seconds to say. Great job?

How did we let this happen? This is simply unforgivable. These are not talents. They are check marks on a juvenile insanity test. If I didn't already know what these screenshots were from, I would think it was a child announcing what she won from the Nickelodeon Studios Wheel O' Traumatic Punishment.

Nickelodeon

If you like fun, check out Chris's new party game, Cheer Up!, coming to Kickstarter this fall. Like it on Facebook to stay updated when it goes live, you silly-heads.

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