7 Things From Pop Culture That Apparently Piss Jesus Off
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It's not that all Christians are crazy, it's just that the religion seems to give certain types of crazy people a chance to shine. These are the ones who can't worry about the homeless because they're too busy doing things like decoding secret gay propaganda in cartoons. Here are some of the more baffling things these messengers from the Lord want us to be wary of: #7.
Starbucks Labels
Proving not all tiny, pointless special interest groups are devoid of charm, a Christian group called "The Resistance" decided to protest the new logo at Starbucks by referring to the coffee chain by the hilarious nickname "Slutbucks," which kind of sounds like coupons for a strip club.
The story is that Starbucks cranked out a new logo, it's the one up there that has a topless mermaid that looks kind of like Helen Hunt, with her legs spread (which we realize makes no sense since it's a fish tail, but apparently no one at Starbucks majored in art or mythology) and this enraged The Resistance, who may or may not actually just be one insane man (Mark Dice) and his website. Because Slutbucks is clearly such a blasphemous monster of an organizations, however, they've also been protested by Concerned Women for America, a group that feels one of the random quotes on the side of a Starbucks coffee cup is pretty much Satan in memorable quote form.
The above quote (about an author's own experiences repressing his sexuality) is apparently Starbucks' way of furthering the homosexual agenda. That's where it starts, in coffee houses. Then it expands into fast food, the Post Office, and finally the White House until the day we're all required to punch into work in the morning not with a pass key or by logging onto a computer, but with 15 straight minutes of sodomy. Thank you, Concerned Women for America, for finally drawing the line. #6.
Chocolate Sculptures of Himself
If someone were to make a giant chocolate statue of your naked body, you'd probably be flattered, and maybe a little weirded out. Jesus, on the other hand, was just plain furious. According to Catholics, who enjoy chocolate bunnies at Easter, He has no tolerance for chocolate, naked statues at any time of year. A New York art exhibit cleverly titled "My Sweet Jesus" featured a 200lb milk chocolate Jesus on the cross, sans loincloth and showing off all his sacred bits in their chocolatey glory. Much like with the film the Last Temptation of Christ, the idea of a nudie savior just doesn't go over well with some folks. The head of the Catholic League called it "one of the worst assaults on Christian sensibilities ever," which is not an understatement at all, as long as you ignore everything else bad that has happened anywhere in the world over the last two thousand years.
Being loving and pious folks intent on expressing how their sensibilities were offended in a calm and mature fashion, the local Christian populace deluged the art gallery with angry phone calls and death threats. The result was the gallery canceling the exhibit and the creative director resigning his position in protest. But on the upside for offended Christians, they were able to go about the rest of their lives content with the knowledge that nudity doesn't exist, at least not in a public, milk chocolate way. We believe the artist, despondent over the events, retired to his apartment and ate the entire statue over the course of a long, lonely weekend. #5.
Spongebob
You may or may not be aware of this, but Spongebob Squarepants is apparently as queer as a three dollar bill jammed in Richard Simmons' thong. And while that's all fine and good as long as aquatic, animated poriferans keep their sexuality behind closed doors, once they start making pro-homosexual videos, certain groups aren't going to stand for it. Both Focus on the Family and the American Family Association complained about a Spongebob video that was delivered to schools in which Spongebob has the balls to try to teach children to be accepting of others. Now you know Jesus isn't going to stand for that shit. Even though the video never actually mentions homosexuality, on the website for the video's producers they include a pledge of tolerance for all races, cultures, beliefs and, yes, sexual orientations. Just like Hitler. Or the opposite of Hitler. Whatever, fuck that cartoon sponge!
The brain trust at Focus on the Family felt that the video was "an insidious means by which the organization is manipulating and potentially brainwashing kids." The video does feature Spongebob dancing to We Are Family by Sister Sledge and probably few things in the world are apt to suck a child into a fugue-like state of dementia and suggestibility. So we kind of see what they were afraid of. #4.
Dr. Who
Probably all of us have secretly known Dr. Who was up to no good. What the hell is a Tardis machine anyway? Why do the English have phone booths that apparently travel through time? What was with that fancy scarf he wore in the original series and where'd they get off replacing the actor who played the doctor like five times? Crazy Brits. To make Dr. Who slightly more insane, there was an episode, co-starring Kylie Minogue, in which the doctor has to save the Titanic, which is now a space ship, from a meteor accident. And somewhere in all that, he sort of parallels a Christ figure.
While it sounds perfectly protestable on grounds of stupidity, it was actually protested by the group Christian Voice because they thought it was tasteless to compare the time-traveling doctor to the messiah. Why protesters chose Dr. Who as opposed to Neo, Luke Skywalker, Superman or every other sci-fi character that has been loosely based on Christ is anyone's guess, but we assume it has something to do with Daleks. |
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Also, I'm a Christian myself, but I see gaybashing as being just plain wrong. I'm also big on science, but my personal belief is that God isn't terribly fond of meddling in others' affairs, and so He set up the universe to be able to take care of itself - a prime example of this "self-maintenance" being evolution.
So, really, the simple fact that man-on-man love won't produce any babies should be enough to keep the gay population down. There's no need to stab them or anything. Even if there was, being gay actually isn't all that sinful. It's a mild affront to the natural order of the universe, yes, but the universe itself has that problem covered. The REAL problem is when uppity self-righteous types go on "LET'S GO KILL THE GAYS!!!1!!111!!" rampages. Causing harm to others over a miniscule matter like their sexual orientation is wrong - being gay does NOT make one deserve the scorn of society. Let's save our murderous impulses for reducing the population of assholes, shall we?
Harry Potter and friends are the furthest things from Satanists I can possibly imagine. They celebrate Christmas, for crying out loud, and the whole series is so chock-full of stuff like "Love is all-powerful" and "Heroic sacrifice is the key to saving the world" that it either makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside or sick to your stomach. Harry Potter's role in the seventh book, particularly at the end, somehow screams "Christ-like" to me, and did I mention the whole "Love is all-powerful" thing? Seriously, it can deflect freakin' magic bullets (okay, they're Killing Curses, but my point still stands.)
not to mention a constantly nude, singing, keeper of the woods. Gotta love LOTR
Yeah it's kind of annoying I mean I myself am a Christian but I love Harry Potter! I see nothing wrong with it it's just FANTASY!
I doubt that the Christians who complain about it have ever actually read the books and just assume that Harry is tapping into Satans power to summon demons upon the earth.
now i am convinced that new mexico is one of the most f***ed up states.
ironincally, its the only state where "death by firing squad" is legal.
OH OH I remember that Spongebob gay video thing. I was in middle school...in California, and then I remember going out on the football field later that day only to stumble upon two of my friends making out it was the first time I ever saw two girls kissing...I puked all over the field....but I remembered the song, so we all continued to be friends and I continued to lose my lunch from that day forward. The End
"Thou shalt wear thine own clothes lest thou go all fruity and s**t."
BBBBBBAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Oh, They also protested the Da Vinci code and The Golden Compass,
Which I really think if f*****g ridicules because they are both great books!
Damn It! Why cant they do something useful and protest Twilight!
Oh, I also love how much "research" these christian cults do before protesting s**t.
I am amazed at the level of intelligence displayed by the people in these comments. NOTHING like this could be seen in a million years on youtube.
I visited this catholic school where they have this huge harry potter poster on the wall in one of the class.
Jesus hates it when you piss in a cup and throw it at someone you love.
Man, they DID ban Harry Potter from our school. Its completely retarded. Its magic and FANTASY! So, basically, these f*****g adults, who were RAISED watching Disney movies just like us, think that Disney and all things fantasy, is now evil.
You wanna know whats evil? Terrorists that f*****g blow us up with BOMBS. You know, bombs, the very REAL explosions that have nothing MAGICAL about them? I have yet to see a wizard, werewolf, vampire, or evil monster god who wants the one ring.
Haven't seen God or Satan either. Could there be a connection!?
Is there anything that DOESN'T offend one christian or another? Seems to me that everything offends someone, the trick is to let it go and be tolerant of other people's points of view. Which, of course, christians (as a rule- I'm generalizing) are not.
I feel the sentiments of most of these comments. I, as a real Christian, am sickened by all the fakes to the point I quit going to Church. I, to the best of my abilities, follow the word of Jesus and I'm pretty sure He has a problem with the 90 percent of the "christians" who twist things around and give His followers a bad image. I don't try to "convert" people either. When you see me on the street you'll just get the impression that I'm a good guy from the vibe I give off and you'll only get my opinion if you ask for it. So there you have it. There are a lot of us, but you only hear about the evil people claiming to be religious. You don't hear about people like me because we're not entertaining.
I thought all schools had an equivalent of "wacky week"?
Our school has that the week of homecoming. They have different dress-up days.. including "opposite sex day" and "thug day" .. we live in Iowa so "thug day" doesn't get us shot or offend anyone.
Oh, and Senor - the funny part is, Christian's get that whole "BEING GAY IS AGAINST GOD" thing from a passage in the old testament. Of course, the old testament isn't even their book (It's the Jewish book), so I don't understand why they care.
If they cared enough to follow their own religious rules, they'd realize that in the new testament (the christian part of the bible) Jesus said to love everyone and treat them how you'd want to be treated.
Guess that message got lost in translation somewhere.
I guess brainwashing is fine as long as you're brainwashing kids to believe what you want them to believe.
I don't understand what the big deal is about Spongebob. Yeah, he acts gay in quite a few of the episodes, but most innuendo goes right over kid's heads (Case in point, all the adult-oriented jokes in the Shrek movies. I doubt a lot of kids in the theater caught those).
Oh, for f**k's sake, being gay is NOT A SIN. Even if you buy into the God stuff, and I bloody well don't, it is pretty well established that sexuality is in the main biologically determined. You are, basically, born with one degree of h**o or
heterosexuality or another. You don't have a choice...if you got the lottery ticket that says 'Mostly gay;, you are almost certainly GOING TO BE GAY WHEN YOU REACH PUBERTY. Upbringing and societal influences play a part, but the point is - if it is not a choice, it is not a sin. So, God wants gays to be gay, apparently.
Lemme tell you...I have three best pals, my trio of compadres. One is homosexual, and he is more like what Christians profess to be than any actual Christian I have ever met. He told me once, on the single occasion when I gave enough of a s**t about who he likes to kiss to ask him if he feels gayness is a choice: "Why the f**k would anyone CHOOSE to be q***r? Oh yeah, all that hate from Jesus freaks and rugbyheads makes it a thrill ride, let me tell ya. They really think I woke up one morning and thought: Nahhh, stuff fancying women, I think I'll alienate myself from my parents and turn my own life into a prolonged hell? by deciding to like dicks?"" Hard to argue with that logic.
"Christians" who openly hate homosexuals are commiting a sin the same as being gay. I am of the Christian faith and I know that all sins are equal. I love my homosexual brothers and sisters the same way I love the heterosexual ones.
I wish that "Christians" would realize that when they hate other cultures, shove one religion down their throats, and catagorize sins, all they are doing is driving away those who are not of the Faith.
AND not everyone is the same. So when you catagorize all Christians as right-wing conservative, homophobes, and ulitimately boring, you are wrong.
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As for the DaVinciCode... I actually have to agree with the protesters there. It's little more than an elaborately dressed-up attempt to defame Jesus. When Jesus's image is tarnished, Satan's grip on society grows a little tighter.