A Theory That Will Change How You See SpongeBob SquarePants

We all know that SpongeBob SquarePants is filled with some really dark s**t, like suicide jokes and a possible allegory for nuclear testing. But what if I told you that one of the most popular children's characters of the modern era is nothing more than a used feminine hygiene product? ARE YOU READY, KIDS?!

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SpongeBob Is A Tampon

It's only because of Nickelodeon censors that kids haven't been delighted by the antics of TamponBob OhDearGodNoPants for nine seasons and two movies. He is, after all, an absorbent sponge residing in Bikini Bottom.

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According to his backstory, SpongeBob moved away from home at the tender age of 13 (a typical age for a young woman to begin requiring tampons), to pursue a lucrative career as a fry cook at The Krusty Krab ... which suddenly sounds super f*****g gross. We'll talk more about that in a bit.

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What may appear to be a violation of both truancy and child labor laws is actually the coming-of-age tale of a young tampon's journey into a discreet new environment named Bikini Bottom. That may sound like the pun-filled observations of a middle school child, but hold on, because the connections don't stop there. Not even close.

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Kind of makes you see this image in a whole new light, huh?

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The Krusty Krab Is Just ... Ew

Since the bottom of the ocean isn't an ideal spot for raising cattle, you have to assume that The Krusty Krab makes its burgers out of seafood. At first, you'd think that the restaurant was named after its owner, which is likely true, but it's reasonable to assume that it also serves burgers made out of actual crab meat. And that's not a stretched assumption; hermit crabs regularly eat each other, and actually salivate when they smell the flesh of their dead relatives.

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That would explain the demand.

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Why would a tampon apply for a job at a restaurant where they'd end up working for a seemingly cannibalistic crab? All of the customers are unreasonably annoyed or dumb, and from what we can tell, there is no chance of SpongeBob ever being promoted to a better job or management position. He'll never get to name it The Krusty Sponge (ew).

The strangely logical explanation is that the dirty vagina of Bikini Bottom must also have crabs. Why else would a crab serve up the crabs "SpongeBob" has prepared? Also, it explains Mr. Krab's acerbic personality. He is an annoying, angry jerk of the vagina, leaving everyone who interacts with him feeling sore and pissed off. Everyone except SpongeBob, because SpongeBob is a tampon and doesn't have to worry about crabs. He has an immunity to them that the characters in his surrounding area don't.

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Patrick Star Is A Butthole ... Literally

SpongeBob's next-door neighbor is the affable nitwit Patrick Star, whose entire existence is dedicated to making SpongeBob appear smarter than he actually is. But our pal Patrick isn't a self-regenerating, asexually-reproducing sea creature at all -- he's a butthole. A big ol' human butthole.

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He lives right next door to SpongeBob, and has the speculative IQ of your average a*****e. We really wish that we had some kind of deep implications of this observation, but it's pretty damn straightforward. "Starfish" is a slang term for butthole. Plain and simple.

Plankton Is Planktonic Bacteria

Plankton is a tiny pest who dedicates his whole life to messing with SpongeBob, often in an effort to gain access to SpongeBob's Krabby Patty knowledge. In real life, Plankton serves as one of several possible vag-dwelling planktonic bacteria.

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They even gave him the same little antennae.

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Some believe that a common cause of this bacteria is toxic shock syndrome, which happens when you leave a tampon in for too long. Which would explain Plankton's love/hate relationship with SpongeBob. He's constantly frustrated by his presence, but needs him in order to prosper. Their relationship in both the cartoon and in real life is ironically symbiotic.

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Sandy Cheeks ... *Sigh*

SpongeBob's best friend is a lady squirrel by the name of Sandy Cheeks. Which is exactly what you get when you sit on a beach wearing bikini bottoms.

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It's a barrel of laughs.

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Her name in association to the tampon theory isn't exactly subtle. I mean, what more could you possibly say about her? It's f*****g "Sandy Cheeks." Fortunately, a lot more can be said about ...

Squidward Is All About The Penis

Squidward is the miserable collection of penises who has the dumb luck to live next to SpongeBob. And if you've never seen the show, just know that Squidward hates SpongeBob with a passion that consumes his whole life. That explains why he's so flaccid. Every part of him is drawn like a collection of limp dicks. His head looks like a scrotum. Even his posture resembles that of a dong that's just been told "Your naked grandmother on a trampoline. Imagine it!"

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The mere thought of this icky tampon critter turns him off entirely. And he is crushed under the weight of this forced coexistence. Squidward is the natural enemy of young TamponPants, and so brimming full of angry ejaculate that he can sometimes literally erupt.

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And yet, despite all of his whining and complaining, he'll never have the opportunity for real release. SpongeBob desperately wants to be friends with Squidward, and considering how Squidward abhors him, being able to let go and stand tall again is something that he can only dream about.

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I'm talking about erections.

Gary Is A Vagina. Note To Self: Stop Giggling

Finally, we get to Gary, who is quite bluntly SpongeBob's vagina. That explains why he is his "pet." SpongeBob is at home and comfortable with Gary in ways that he's not with anyone else. Gary is his constant companion; the creature to whom he devotes his entire life. SpongeBob feeds and cleans Gary, and even the times they don't necessarily get along are always temporary, because they need each other.

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And just look how well they fit together.

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Gary also doesn't like Squidward, mainly because the ever-flaccid Squidward refuses to respect Gary in any way. If it's vagina-related, Squidward doesn't understand it, and so Gary reacts in kind.

It also explains why this underwater snail meows. Because, you know, puss-- Eh, you get it by now.


"OHHHHHH, WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA?" Not Vicki Veritas. Follow Vicki on Twitter, and she might even sing one of her favorite SpongeBob songs for you.

Which Sci-Fi Trope Would You Bring To The Real World, And Why? Every summer we're treated to the same buffet of three or four science-fiction movies with the same basic conceits. There's man vs. aliens, man vs. robots, man vs. army of clones, and man vs. complicated time travel rules. With virtual reality and self-driving cars fast approaching, it's time to consider what type of sci-fi movie we want to be living in for the rest of our lives. Co-hosts Jack O'Brien and Adam Tod Brown are joined by Cracked's Tom Reimann and Josh Sargent and comedians David Huntsberger, Adam Newman, and Caitlin Gill to figure out which sci-fi trope would be the best to make a reality. Get your tickets for this live podcast here!

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See the darkest side of SpongeBob in 7 Horrifying Things Snuck Into Famous Children's Cartoons, and find out why certain religions hate SpongeBob in 7 Things From Pop Culture That Apparently Piss Jesus Off.

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