Spongebob SquarePants

Spongebob Squarepants is an iconic figure in today's cartoons and is internationally recognizable both as a symbol of innocence and stupidity. Mostly the latter.

He gives apples a bad name.

Just The Facts

  1. Spongebob is a sea sponge that looks suspiciously like a kitchen sponge.
  2. He is probably NOT gay (and probably not straight either).
  3. His place of residence is a pineapple in "Bikini Bottom." Sexual innuendo? We like to think so.

The Characters

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS

As the name implies, the star of the show.

A cute picture of the lovable sponge.

Spongebob comes from a loving family of two larger sponges. For reasons unknown, he left home at the ripe age of thirteen to make it as a fry cook. This teaches kids a valuable lesson: aspire to minimum-wage heights and you'll never be disappointed.

I'm a failure?!

Spongebob is known for his two most irritating traits: his laugh and his squeaky shoes. As such, he doesn't get a lot of action. It doesn't help that he can't pass his driving test, as he's too...special...to tell the difference between forward and reverse.

PATRICK STAR

Patrick is Spongebob's best friend, and his most gentle lover.

...what?

...what?

Patrick's role in the show is to put Spongebob into perspective. Next to this guy, Spongebob is a fucking Einstein. While Spongebob fails to utilize common sense, Patrick succeeds in coming up new and interesting ways of being stupid. He's the authority on idiocy, much like James Bond is the authority on seducing women.

Welcome to Sean Connery's School of Speech. Any questions?

Other than his crippling obesity, laziness, and difficulty thinking, Patrick is a well rounded member of society. He remains under a rock most of the time, meaning he stays the fuck out of people's shit minds his own business. If only we all had neighbors like him.

Slaving away for the "man."

Slaving away for the "man."

SQUIDWARD TENTACLES

Spongebob's other neighbor / best friend.

What goes on inside his twisted mind.

...WHAT?!

So Squidward isn't Spongebob's number one fan. He is, however, a reliable worker as well as a graceful dancer.

Semi-reliable....................................................................................Semi-graceful

Moving on...

SANDY CHEEKS

Sandy is notable for being the only character on the show who doesn't want dick.

Also, she's a fucking squirrel.

Also, she's a fucking squirrel.

We suppose the producers wanted to reach out into the land-mammal market with this one. It wasn't weird enough having a whole crew of sea creatures to laugh at, we needed a hot piece of tail squirrel to ridicule. Anyway, she loves karate, is a scientist, and...fuck it, just check out her tits. 'Nuff said.

MR. KRABS

Spongebob's boss and slave driver.

He owns the Krusty Krab, a fine fast food establishment. He prides himself in serving below-average food for above-average prices. More importantly, he loves money like a smoker loves nicotine. He speaks with a pirate-like accent, but it can be assumed he is of Jewish ancestry, because he is really cheap of his large nose.

Pearl, Krab's lovable daughter.

It's difficult to grasp how a crustacean can father a whale, but it's clear the producers wanted us to imagine Krabs having hot sex with a whale 1000 times his size. It's not a pretty sight, I'll tell you that much.

PLANKTON

A formidable villian, whose devious plots strike terror into the hearts of people everywhere.

Actual size.

Much like DC and Marvel evil masterminds, Plankton's ultimate goal could unravel the very fabric of everything we know as he proceeds to destroy everything we love when he finally captures the sacred and powerful...

sandwich?!

As a final proof that the creators of Spongebob can take nothing seriously, the main antagonist - who happens to be a scientific genius, mind you - struggles violently to steal a burger. That's like Lex Luthor spending his time stealing fast food.


The Setting

BIKINI BOTTOM

Spongebob and friend's place of residence.

Bikini Bottom is home to a mostly fish population, as well as the occasional sponge or star. Come to think of it, it isn't exactly "racially diverse," as the show centers around the only people who aren't fish. The show is like Different Strokes or Family Matters, but set in Wisconsin.

What choo talkin' about Willis crackers?

THE KRUSTY KRAB

The "McDonalds of the Sea," and home to the Krabby Patty.

The complexities of customer-service relations are best described in video form.

Yes, Squidward is a Nazi.

THE NEIGHBORHOOD

Spongebob lives in a pineapple, Squidward lives in a...face, and Patrick lives under a rock. Real original.

That wasn't sarcasm. This is about as fucking original as it gets.

Sexuality

This has been a real "hot topic." Spongebob lacks a girlfriend, and spends most of his time holding hands with Patrick. Is he gay?

A description of when "shit hit the fan."

Alas, Spongebob lacks any reproductive organs.

What penis?

As a sea sponge, he reproduces by budding.

A rare shot of Spongebob masturbating.

All in all, the mechanics of underwater lovemaking are best left to the imagination, if that.

Cracked on Spongebob Squarepants

Spongebob is mostly a positive influence on today's children, who are otherwise surrounded by gruesome acts of violence. It teaches kids that a positive attitude and good work ethic will get you far in life, and that true happiness is found in love. At the end of the day, everyone learns about the value of the friendship.

Not to mention the virtues of crack.