3

Anytime Boners

Ladies, you've met a boner before, right? And for you younger and/or chaste readers, you've read my terribly offensive articles before, right? So you're probably at least on handshake terms with boners. You know where they live, their general habits, and their diet. I would even wager you heard in health class or from a guy on the bus that a boner can crop up at the weirdest times? For instance, when a dude's jorts rub him the wrong way or he sees a canary melon and thinks of a boob. Ha ha, boners are the unpredictable scamps of the coital world. But did you have any idea how unpredictable they are?

Aside from the normal reason and the just-a-few houses down from normal reasons, there is a fun melange of nightmare reasons why boners occur. Obviously medication side effects can lead to erections, but so can spider bites, fear of being a sexual deviant, meal supplements, and comically tragic bicycle injuries. These scenarios all sound radically different, but they all have one factor that connects them: Near them, the boner lurks.

tombud/Pixabay

How does pain manage to dance with boners in people who don't typically get off on pain? That's one of the mysteries of science, but any number of uncomfortable feelings from anxiety to nervousness to just outright agony can and will give way to Mr. Blinky standing tall and trying to do his thing, even if the rest of your body is a quivering mass of discomfort.

In terms of injuries, it can be a matter as simple as a blood-flow problem -- you damage a wang artery, the blood can't flow the way it should, you end up saluting the flag every time you move. But when that's not the case, the cause can sometimes be a mystery to medical science -- your dick plays its cards close to the balls and doesn't explain itself all that often.

WikiImages/Pixabay

2

Menstrual Pad Importance

As a man, there's only so much I can do to help support and understand women. I don't want to be a douche, and I don't think most people want to, even if they succeed at it admirably. I want to do the best I can to try to understand everyone's worldview, and as a white dude who grew up in a white neighborhood where people never really talked about politics, the outside world or anything particularly heavy at all, it's a process. Part of this process is trying to wrap my head around pads, which is distinctly different from wrapping pads around my head. Is this world changing or deeply philosophical? Does it solve humanity's problems or rise to the level of anything profound that helps better our species? Maybe not, but I don't write articles to save the world. Sometimes, we just need to sit back and wonder about the mysteries of shit that are obvious to everyone else.

Most men, at some point, will be tasked with purchasing pads for someone in need. It happens. In the world of sitcoms, it's a terribly embarrassing endeavor and you must sheepishly enter the aisle and pretend you're shopping for something else and then look like a deer caught in the headlights when the cashier inevitably calls for a price check. On pads! For vaginas! Oh man, is your face red! THE BEER BACON MANLY MAN IS BUYING THE LADY OBJECTS. PLANT A SCARLET LETTER UPON HIS CHEST.

phouavang82/Pixabay

In real life, buying pads is like buying something that isn't a pad. However, and this is key, while you were probably told exactly what kind to buy, if they don't have what you're looking for, if you forget, or if nothing was specified for some reason, you have no chance of choosing the right one. Pads are like the Grail at the end of Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade. There's a ton of choices and if you choose poorly, expect to become a dusty skeleton in no time under the withering glare of the woman you've just disappointed.

In my mind, pads operate like deodorant or the Walmart underwear rack. Sure I see a lot of options, but at the end of the day, I can probably make due with anything that's there. But holy shit, not so with pads. Despite your general knowledge of a woman's flower and its botanical habit of sloughing off an internal uterine layer, not every pad can accommodate this for every woman. Wings may be necessary to anchor that slippery little shit in place. You also need to factor in absorbency based on flow, the shape of the pad, the fabric of the pad, and the general way it fits because you never want to try to fit a square peg in a round hole, especially if you have the wrong-sized pad wrapped around it.

422737/Pixabay

1

Fart Smuggling

I didn't want to make this article dark. I didn't want to "go there," as the hip kids say. But dammit, I'm going there. And you're coming with me. Bring a lawn chair.

StockSnap/Pixabay

Surely we can all be adults when we discuss flatulence, or "floating air biscuits," if you will. Who amongst us hasn't gorged themselves on a hearty baked bean and cauliflower casserole laced with vegan ham and awoken the next morning feeling like a gremlin was trying to breakdance its way from our asshole? Farts are natural and beautiful in the way that any kind of fetid gas from one's shit shooter is beautiful.

There is a thing I learned, though. A thing told to me by a woman who, upon learning the topic of this article, took a moment to stare off into space as she pondered the idea. After a brief period of silence, her expression became inspired and she eagerly said to me, "What about farts in your vagina?"