M: That was a fun one.
C: How long have you been in charge of the world? Since the beginning of time?
M: No, no. Since the late 19th century. Before us, it was mainly the horse people who ran the show.
C: Horse people? What was their deal?
M: They liked taking huge shits in public. It was gross. Indoor plumbing -- that was us. One of our first real success stories.
We stop in front of a window looking down on the inner courtyard of the lizard people's headquarters, where a bunch of bound and chained humans struggle to push a huge spoked wheel.
C: Well that looks sinister.
M: Nah. We're just prototyping a new exercise trend. You'll see that rolled out in the next year or so. Gonna replace spinning.
We watch the humans continue to struggle, the heavy beat of trap music filtering up to us. Indeed, all the humans look to be enjoying the experience, many of them wearing brightly-colored, spoked-wheel-themed clothing.
$185 a pair. And you have to replace them every year.
And it is here, as I admire the lizard people's mastery over seemingly everything, that I see the flaw in their story.
C: Hang on. You said crime rates were down. And disease and bear attacks and all that.
M: That's right. You don't believe me?
C: No, no. That all sounds right. But that means they were higher before. When you were in charge. Which means you don't control everything.
M: What are you getting at?
C: Humans can fight the control of the lizard people! By committing more crimes! Or getting more polio.
M: You're going to fight our control by making your lives worse?
C: We've made our lives worse for sillier reasons.
M: Why would you even want to fight our control?
C: We ache for freedom?
Malok smiles and puts his talon on me in a patronizing manner.
M: No. You ache from standing up too fast. You don't want to overthrow the lizard people.
C: I don't? Why not?
M: Why do you think we're showing all this to you?
C: Because you're suddenly being open and less manipulative. [Which, again, sounds stupid as soon as I say it.] Huh. Are you trying to recruit me to become a lizard person?
M: Recruit? Or something else?
Malok smiles, his tongue darting forward.
M: What's your first memory?
C: Pecking my way out of an egg ... OH SHIT.
The lizard person is calling from inside the house.
M: There you go, brother.
C: I've been a lizard person all this time!
Malok and I embrace. Suddenly, many of my long-running skin conditions make so much more sense.
C: Is this why I constantly feel the need to climb trees and devour bird eggs?
M: It is, yes.
C: I've lost so many jobs because of that.
M: We should have perhaps told you sooner.
C: So what should I do now? Do I get a beeper or something?
M: Just do what you have been.
C: And it's OK if I write about all this on Cracked?
M: Sure, sure. Like we say, no one really believes anything you say anyway.
C: Which means I'm one of the best lizard people!
M: One of the worst, actually.
C: So can you tell me what your sinister plan is for everyone now?
Malok leans in and whispers into my ear.
C: Oh, that's so good! But you know people don't wash there regularly.
M: We know. That's next on our list.
C: So that's what you need my help with!
M: We thought it'd be something you could sink your teeth into, yeah.
C: I'll get started right away!
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist, a lizard person, and urges everyone to go and buy pipe cleaners soon -- by next Thursday at the latest. The author of the science fiction novel Severance, his next novel, Freeze/Thaw, is available for pre-order now! Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
Deep inside us all behind our political leanings, our moral codes and our private biases, there is a cause so colossally stupid, we surprise ourselves with how much we care. Whether it's toilet paper position, fedoras on men or Oxford commas, we each harbor a preference so powerful we can't help but proselytize to the world. In this episode of the Cracked podcast, guest host Soren Bowie is joined by Cody Johnston, Michael Swaim and comedian Annie Lederman to discuss the most trivial things we will argue about until the day we die. Get your tickets here!
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