Okely Sunglass 
See, this is what I'm talking about. This looks like it was written by a moron who was being run over by a dumptruck full of broken keyboards. Everything about this screams "spam," and when the eyes see it, they immediately slide right past. Which is a shame, because these are good prices. I should know; all Cracked writers were paid in Louis Vuitton handbags for a spell back in '08. Here's how I'd rewrite this, making it blend in and seem more natural, while at the same time making the product more appealing to the Cracked reader:

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Immortal Women? 
The name of this site actually makes it sound like a dating service for meeting immortal Highlanders, which would be pretty cool, but it turns out to be yet another MILF site, which although important, is less cool. Still some major problems with it though. The mispunctuating of the URL is I guess necessary to get around our spam filters, although I have no explanation for all those commas. Perhaps, older women like, extra commas,? Anyways, here's how I'd rewrite it to appeal to the Cracked audience.

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Stay on Topic! 
This one seemed unexplainable to me until I discovered that we changed our comment system a while back. Previously, commenters were allowed to include a link in their user name, and we got a lot of comments like this where someone was offering almost sane advice as a veil for a link to their Gucci Transvestite gangbang site. I guess it was some sort of search engine optimization technique, intended to make their horrible, horrible site look more popular by scattering links to it around the Internet. A technique rendered useless, I should note, by Google's long-standing policy of ignoring everything Cracked links to. As far as offering a comment which blends in, the notion of "adding value" to a Cracked column is a bit suspicious. Most of our commenters, well meaning though they are, lack the lifetime of bad decision making necessary for crafting comedic content. Asking them to add value to an article or column is unrealistic. No, if you wanted to link your site in your username (you can't now bitches) and post a comment that blends in, it wouldn't take much work to realize that this is the best answer:

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