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So the other day I was going through some of my old articles, laughing and clapping as I read aloud some of my own writing. "Marvelous," I was heard to exclaim. "Classic Bucholz, this one," I'd add, offering a wink to my reflection in a mirror that I'd set up specifically for that purpose. Reaching the end of one of my more stunning pieces, I noticed that the scroll bar on the right of the screen hadn't descended all the way to the bottom of the screen. Investigating further I was surprised to find that in the days and months since I'd posted it people had been offering their opinions on the piece. A quick phone call to my editor (who was very busy, and did not have time for my nonsense) confirmed that this has been going on for the past four years. I was, for lack of a better word, cromfozzled by this news. Curious, I began paging through these fan-created appendices. I was pleased to see that the majority of these "commenters" were taking time to applaud my virtuosity and showmanship. On the other hand, a sizable minority of my fans used their time to explain in plain terms exactly how much I sucked, and begged management to fire me. Although less happy with this response, I did admire their moxie. My favorite of the comments were actually the ones written by people who didn't seem to understand they had wandered on to a comedy site. I enjoyed imagining these people traveling through life, shaking in bewilderment at anything more complicated than a soap commercial. "Ha ha ha ha ha," I laughed, tossing another wink my way. Most saddening to me were the flimflam men, peddling their shady wares in the midst of the honest people celebrating and condemning me. It wasn't the content of these spam comments that bothered me; I have no beef with capitalism and the necessary act of defrauding cretins that it requires to function. No, it was the delivery that bugged me. If I'm going to go to all this effort to amaze/gravely irritate people, I'll be damned if I'm going to let some amateur balls up my comments section with their hastily written endorsements for meeting tall women. Below I've selected some of the worst offenders, and present them to you, along with suggestions for improvement, confident that any spammers reading will heed my words, and raise the elevation of their discourse. _________