Which you're trying to avoid.
I've got a few goals with my advice here.
Don't freak out. Avoiding your grisly death is like #6 on the list. That's pretty high!
Well into the single digits!
No, not that! The ape is throwing a car at me!
Get out of the way of the car he's throwing!
*the distinct and unmistakable sound of a car being thrown into a costume shop*
Are you OK? Grisly alive?
Yeah. The car went through the front of a costume shop.
I heard that. So is it fair to say there are now gorilla costumes readily at hand?
Fuck you. And also, no, the store appears to be completely destroyed.
Hmm. That's two of our plans the beast has preemptively foiled now. It's almost as if he knows what we're ... Oh! Of course!
There's been something bothering me about this right from the start. It's just so squicky -- you know, trying to "civilize" someone or something. What if the beast already was civilized?
It's just stacking rocks together. It's not hard.
We should probably stop calling him "beast," then.
Agreed. Holler at the glorious ape. Find out what it wants us to refer to it as.
I'll try. Hey! Glorious ape! What do you want to be called!
See? That's one of the most civilized names there is. I'm going to holler at the ape now for you.
Go right ahead.
This guy is sorry about kidnapping you and bringing you to the city and trying to civilize you.
You're already civilized, aren't you?
YES. BOOKS. THE WHEEL. CHAT ROOMS. MY PEOPLE HAVE IT ALL.
Where was all that?
YOU STUCK MAINLY TO THE TOURIST SECTION OF HUBRIS ISLAND.
Oh cool, Hubris Island has a Prada factory outlet.
Anyway, this dude, and all of us humans, are really sorry about this. It's funny! In a way, it's almost as if the humans are the monsters after all.
YOU THOUGHT WE WERE MONSTERS?
Yes, but we stopped that.
THAT WAS NOT VERY WOKE OF YOU.
Definitely not. But now that we've agreed on that, and you can see that we're speaking to you as an equal, do you think you could stop wrecking the city?
OH NO. I LIKE WRECKING THINGS. I WAS GOING TO DO THIS ANYWAY.
OK, so the problem here is that, although this ape does come from a civilized society, as in many advanced civilizations, there appears to be an element with strong antisocial tendencies living within them.
He's a troll, basically.
Except this one isn't scared to leave his house on occasion.
So what should we do?
Well, most trolls thrive on attention, so we could just try ignoring him.
I'D STILL WRECK YOUR SHIT, THO.
Yeah, there's that. Hmmm. There is one thing.
Trolls also like humiliation. Manipulating people. Making them uncomfortable. This could work.
What could work?
Shhhhhh, gentle prince. I'm trying to help you. Roger?
Would you leave the people of the city alone if you could dress up this dude like a sexy girl ape and make him dance around?
DOES HE WANT TO DO THIS?
THEN YES, ABSOLUTELY.
*the distinct and unmistakable sound of a man being forcibly dressed as a sexy girl ape*
Well, there you go. Your giant ape is no longer terrorizing the city. One, it was never "your" giant ape in the first place -- that's unmoral and dangerous thinking. And two, you're now very much his possession.
VERY MUCH, YES.
Should you desire any further advice, please consult our guide, So You're Now Dressed Up As A Sexy Girl Ape And Being Forced To Dance Like A Doll.
See why giant apes are scientifically impossible in 6 Movie Monsters That Just Wouldn't Work, and check out King Kong's horrible sequel in 5 Little-Known Sequels That Ruined Iconic Stories.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel to see how getting punched in the face makes it tough to remember names in If Boxing Were Even Less Legitimate, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!
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