7

People Genuinely Worried About Kanye

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First and most surprising were the people who appeared to be genuinely giving Kanye money. Many of these left blank comments, which means they could have just been incompetent spammers. But, others did explain their reasoning, suggesting they're incompetent at something else.

Reasoning. It's reasoning.

$5 - Zach German

I am donating because I think we need to take care of the truly great artists of our time. I can only hope that my new friend Kanye would do the same for me if I were in his shoes.

Yes, Zach, you can only "hope" that, because you sure shouldn't "rely" on it.

$30 - Imani Walters

I love you Kanye I'm a fan I hope this goes to him. If do what I can to see Kanye smile and make more awesome music!

I don't want to make fun of this girl. She genuinely wants to make Kanye smile, which is the kind of attitude we need more of in the world. Just, you know, not directed at Kanye.

$20 - Michelle King

If I had more I will give. But I'm gonna give something. Hope he gets a good CPA or Consultant to help him out.

That would be just god damned hilarious -- Kanye taking a trip down to the strip mall to chat with a CPA about his books. Seriously though, Kanye is a successful businessman. He probably has dozens of CPAs around, just hanging out by his pool, or a bunch of disposable ones that he keeps in an old-timey pickle barrel and just pulls one out when he needs some quick CPAing.

$5 - DANNY VENTURA

Kanye I hope you're doing well. If you need anymore money please let me know. Your best friend, Danny Ventura

Odd that his best friend would need to give Kanye money in this manner, but I can't fully claim to understand the rap lifestyle.

$100 - Nick Pearson

GL.

HOLY SHIT THAT IS A LOT OF MONEY TO GIVE TO KANYE GODDAMNED WEST. I guess I should point out here that I'm taking at face value that people have actually paid these sums and that there isn't some kind of scam going where you can make fake donations somehow. That would really cheapen this ... already very cheap thing.

$5 - Bonny Roper

This is to show that even people with their own money problems can help others in need. Hope you get out of debt

Oh man. That's awful. Kanye had better find this woman and give her her $5 back or buy her a couch or something.

$10 - Dan Rawdon

Kanye you inspire me everyday. People hate on Kanye but the truth is that we need Kanye. I love you like Kanye love Kanye!

6

People Giving To The Charity The Campaign Was Changed To Support

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It does!

After a few days, I guess Kanye's people got in touch with the site or Kanye just screamed into the night sky and someone passed along the word that he wouldn't be accepting any money from this campaign. The original organizer then decided that all donated funds would be sent to a particular charity, Notes For Notes, which provides musical equipment to youth facilities. Some people noticed this and contributed to the campaign on that basis:

$10 - Jasmine France

Haha. Amazing. Notes for Notes actually deserves this.

And, you know, it does. I wonder if there might be a more efficient way to support them, but you can't really fault the motivation. Well done, everyone! Oh wait, here's another:

$10 - Matt Chasco

The only thing I ever would have given to Kanye was a bucket of sand and a hammer. However, the Notes for Notes gladly gets a few of my dollars. Happy to help aspiring musicians... not so happy to help Kanye.

What ... what would Kanye do with the hammer and the sand? Sand it?

This is, upon reflection, the most interesting thing I've ever read. I'm going to go to my grave wondering about this.

5

One Dude Apparently Apologizing For Pirating Kanye's Latest Album

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One dude had a personal message for Kanye -- an apology it seems:

$15 -Yoseph Haile

I may, or may not have Downloaded a Pirated Copy of TLOP! Sorry Kanye I just Could not wait, and I tried to sign up to Tidal but I could not Commit to it!

TLOP, of course, means The Life Of Pablo, Kanye's recently released new album, and Tidal is the new, not-too-popular music streaming platform he's exclusively released it on. Our friend here didn't want to commit to a subscription, so apparently gave [the fake crowdfunding campaign not actually connected to] Kanye a cool $15 to [not in any real way] make up for pirating it.

4

People Advertising Stupid Products And Services

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Far and away the most common donations were from people seemingly more interested in the advertising potential of posting a comment on a widely visible site than they were interested in helping Kanye, bizarre as those priorities might seem. $5 -- the apparent minimum donation -- isn't actually that much money to get an ad in front of thousands of eyeballs, so these may be the most admirable people here.

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Maybe.

In the interest of not giving any more free advertising to these charlatans, I'll just summarize some of the products and services I saw on offer:

A margarita machine rental company.

A knife store.

A vape company.

Beachy/tropical, sea-inspired jewelry and home decor.

A cooler with built-in speakers.

Some kid advertising his Snapchat.

Babysitter-themed erotic novellas.

And although one admires the entrepreneurial spirit of taking advantage of Kanye's fake misfortune to peddle a link to their pathetic product, it's still a little unseemly.

But, not as unseemly as the most popular donations ...

3

People Advertising Scams

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2

Taylor Swift

Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images Entertainment

I was pleasantly surprised to see that despite their differences, famous singer Taylor Swift had stopped by on at least three separate occasions to chip in to help with Kanye's nonexistent financial problems.

$5 - Taylor Swift

Please use this $5 and buy yourself a dildo and enjoy.

This seems unlikely. Ms. Swift must surely know that quality dildos start at $15 and can go well up from there.

$5 - Taylor Swift

Hey Kanye, Here's $5, please keep me out of your meltdowns. Don't call me FakeAss and just stop being so creepy. #badblood

This almost counts as an ad for one of her songs, Bad Blood, but it's a hashtag, not a link, so I won't hold it against her. Also, with that extra $5, you can start to get some acceptable dildos. Nothing great, but you're out of the bargain bin at least.

1

People Insulting Kanye

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It occurred to me, while seeing that Taylor Swift donated money for inferior dildos, that many people were using their donations to mock rather than help Kanye. This seems a hell of a thing to spend money on. I mean, I've disliked people before, but not enough to pay money to insult them. They should be paying me, in my eye.

Let's look at the tape:

$5 - Joey King

I'm going to make 53million dollars getting a trademark for my new clothing label im conceiving..... "SuckMyKanye" faux leatha chaps.

You actually have to pay a few hundred dollars to register a trademark, suggesting Joey's business isn't off to a good start.

$5 - Kate Yefimov

Yo, Kanye, I'ma let you finish, but I have a question. How many fingers really was it ? Anyways, I'm just here for the comments.

This refers to Kanye's famous freakout on Twitter a few weeks ago when an ex-lover claimed he enjoyed having fingers put in his asshole during sex. The whole thing was pretty distasteful, from the implication that Kanye should be ashamed of this, to the fact that he did appear to be ashamed of it, to the glee everyone took from it. Let's just all stop talking about it and imagine Kanye's asshole on our own time, OK?

$5 - leif ostgard

Here's five dollars you douchbag!!!

Again, the douchebag isn't actually receiving the funds, and come on. You paid money for that? A dusty schoolyard insult? If you really want to hurt someone, insult their strengths, like this guy:

$25 - Jimmy Oliver

Please use this money to move out of this country. You are what's wrong with society. You are not talented or special. Go away you absolute horror of a human being. It's worth $25 for you to just go away.

A few things about this stand out. That's a lot of money to pay to insult Kanye West. It does go to what I suggested, attacking his strengths (his talent and specialness). But, to be perfectly frank, despite his many, visible flaws, Kanye West is genuinely pretty talented and special.

Horror of a human being might be right, though.

Finally, why would Kanye moving out of the country make a difference? I live in another country, and, let me assure you, we are not free of Kanye. The whole world trembles at his gaze.

We sure as shit aren't giving him any money, though.

Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and will let you insult him for $5, too. His first novel, Severance, is incredible and available HERE. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.

Check out Dan O'Brien's leading Kanye theory in White People Love Kanye West and see why these same people will spend $120 on plain white t-shirts from Kanye West in 4 Celebrity Products That Are Proof People Will Buy Anything.

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