It occurred to me, while seeing that Taylor Swift donated money for inferior dildos, that many people were using their donations to mock rather than help Kanye. This seems a hell of a thing to spend money on. I mean, I've disliked people before, but not enough to pay money to insult them. They should be paying me, in my eye.
Let's look at the tape:
$5 - Joey King
I'm going to make 53million dollars getting a trademark for my new clothing label im conceiving..... "SuckMyKanye" faux leatha chaps.
You actually have to pay a few hundred dollars to register a trademark, suggesting Joey's business isn't off to a good start.
$5 - Kate Yefimov
Yo, Kanye, I'ma let you finish, but I have a question. How many fingers really was it ? Anyways, I'm just here for the comments.
This refers to Kanye's famous freakout on Twitter a few weeks ago when an ex-lover claimed he enjoyed having fingers put in his a*****e during sex. The whole thing was pretty distasteful, from the implication that Kanye should be ashamed of this, to the fact that he did appear to be ashamed of it, to the glee everyone took from it. Let's just all stop talking about it and imagine Kanye's a*****e on our own time, OK?
$5 - leif ostgard
Here's five dollars you douchbag!!!
Again, the douchebag isn't actually receiving the funds, and come on. You paid money for that? A dusty schoolyard insult? If you really want to hurt someone, insult their strengths, like this guy:
$25 - Jimmy Oliver
Please use this money to move out of this country. You are what's wrong with society. You are not talented or special. Go away you absolute horror of a human being. It's worth $25 for you to just go away.
A few things about this stand out. That's a lot of money to pay to insult Kanye West. It does go to what I suggested, attacking his strengths (his talent and specialness). But, to be perfectly frank, despite his many, visible flaws, Kanye West is genuinely pretty talented and special.
Horror of a human being might be right, though.
Finally, why would Kanye moving out of the country make a difference? I live in another country, and, let me assure you, we are not free of Kanye. The whole world trembles at his gaze.
We sure as s**t aren't giving him any money, though.
Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and will let you insult him for $5, too. His first novel, Severance, is incredible and available HERE. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.
Check out Dan O'Brien's leading Kanye theory in White People Love Kanye West and see why these same people will spend $120 on plain white t-shirts from Kanye West in 4 Celebrity Products That Are Proof People Will Buy Anything.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel to see why Kanye might be spreading himself (and his sanity) too thin in How Kanye West Is Driving Himself Insane - Cracked Responds, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!
Also follow us on Facebook because its a great way to make 3.7 million friends ... and then later discover they're strangely racist.
For more truth, check out Cracked's You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News: Shocking but Utterly True Facts!