7 Tricks Tony Hawk Should Have Done in the White House

In his Twitter feed, Tony Hawk was unrepentant, pointing out that he caused no damage. Technically, he did less harm than the time Elvis clogged the White House toilet, an event I just made up right now, but which sounds plausible enough to be true. Hawk did little more than skate in a straight line down a well-trafficked hallway and perform a Manual, a simple trick which would involve no chance of damaging the property. Unless I was doing it, in which case I would almost certainly obliterate my teeth and a nearby vase of some importance.

But if we take as given that a Manual is an acceptable trick to perform while skateboarding in the White House, does that mean there are unacceptable tricks? Are they unacceptable because of their chance for causing damage, or their potential for freaking out squares? Using Google Image Search and the knowledge of skateboarding I earned from a semester playing Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2, I've ranked the following White House skateboarding tricks in terms of difficulty and offensiveness to the American spirit--as measured in weeping bald eagles.

Trick: Ollie to Heelflip to Nosegrind across back of slipper chair (foreground) to Kickflip.

Difficulty: 3

Offensiveness to the American Spirit: 4 Weeping Bald Eagles

This one can be done at low speed and follows the basic kickflip to grind to kickflip combo that is the bread and butter of the Tony Hawk games. Although the great emancipator never lived to see the invention of skateboards, historians widely agree he would be appreciative of technical street skating in this form.

Trick: Ollie to Pop Shove It to Tailslide (right rail) to Ollie to Kickflip to Tailslide (left rail) to Ollie to Hardflip to Feeble (right rail) to Kickflip to Nosegrind (right rail) to Heelflip into bowling pins.

Difficulty: 7

Offensiveness to the American Spirit: 1 Weeping Bald Eagle

Famously constructed during the Nixon presidency, the bowling alley is one of the homeliest rooms in the world. Located in the basement, it seems an ideal location for skating. Getting speed is easily done, and nothing of value is here to be disturbed, aside from Nixon's ghost, whom White House staff assure is harmless, if foul-mouthed.

Trick: While dressed as Spiderman, Ollie to 360 Melon over the President during a summertime event.

Difficulty: 8

Offensiveness to the American Spirit: 8 Weeping Bald Eagles

A fairly straightforward trick, complicated by having to hope that Secret Service personal don't interfere with a man in pajamas hurtling towards the Commander in Chief.

Difficulty: 6

Offensiveness to the American Spirit: 0 Weeping Bald Eagles

Although this staircase is used regularly for formal White House gatherings and ceremonies, chandeliers are a decidedly French invention, so their destruction is considered a positive benefit for the American Spirit.

Difficulty: 4

Offensiveness to the American Spirit: 9 Weeping Bald Eagles

Not a lot to work with in the Oval Office, given its odd shape and lack of grindable edges. Disrespecting the Presidential Seal twice in one combo is probably the savviest play here, but advanced skaters/anarchists might want to work in a wallride across the portrait of Washington on the back wall somehow. Historians agree Washington was an old man, and would have hated skateboarders.