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Why Fox News Shouldn't Be Allowed To Talk About Sex (or I Really Truly Hate The Other Four Cracked Columnists)

Before delving into today's episode of Hate By Numbers, I want to touch upon some events of late in the Cracked House. Those who follow the blog know that Swaim's gone to L.A. and DOB's joining him in another week. I can hear you now: "Gladstone, who gives a crap about Swaim and DOB? We just read Cracked for you and your Hate By Numbers. It's wonderful and you are not at all a smug douchebag."

To you ---the sexiest and wisest Cracked readers--- I reply, "thank you. You're too kind."

But it's true: two of our own are headed to the City of Angels, and even though I know that they will be greeted by crushed dreams, and soon devolve into 5-dollar-a-wank crackwhores, I'm still a little jealous. I mean, to be young and less funny than Gladstone in the movie capital of the world? That just sounds wonderful.

Don't worry about me though. I'll be fine. Sure, I heard a rumor that DOB is going to be playing the role of Goatse in Internet Party 3. And Jack told me that DOB keeps pitching a new crime fighting series starring him and Swaim called Gun & Gachete. (I know. It doesn't even make sense. Talk about a one trick pony!)

But hey, I still have Ross and Chris! And by "have" I mean the opposite of that. Just last week, I learned ---with the rest of the English-speaking world--- that Chris is (gasp) Canadian! Sort of a dealbreaker. And Ross? Well, I'm glad his boss has websense so he won't read this when I say I'm pretty sure Ross is the Zodiac Killer.

So I wash my hands of all four them. Go ahead. Leave, grow, do your thing. But if you go out that door, it's the end. Swaim, when Carlos Mencia cancels your walk-on part as Crazy Mexican #3, don't come cryin' to me. And DOB, when those fancy LA trainers see you with your shirt off and say, "that's what passes for rock hard abs in Jersey?" don't send me any tear-stained e-mails.

Now, I'm not sure what any of this has to do with this week's Hate By Numbers, but there's not much I have to add to Greg Gutfeld of Red Eye crackin' wacky jokes to some sex columnist. I mean, I'm fairly sure some folks will take the clever tact of saying that I'm a hypocrite and I'm just the jerk I say Gutfeld is and ... oh, I'm sorry, I fell asleep just anticipating that.

In any event, here is the 10th installment of Hate By Numbers. I hope you enjoy it.


Gladstone wants to be your special friend. Check out some more of his stuff HERE and OVER HERE and HERE TOO.

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