Why Fox News Shouldn't Be Allowed To Talk About Sex (or I Really Truly Hate The Other Four Cracked Columnists)
Before delving into today's episode of Hate By Numbers, I want to touch upon some events of late in the Cracked House. Those who follow the blog know that Swaim's gone to L.A. and DOB's joining him in another week. I can hear you now: "Gladstone, who gives a crap about Swaim and DOB? We just read Cracked for you and your Hate By Numbers. It's wonderful and you are not at all a smug douchebag."
To you ---the sexiest and wisest Cracked readers--- I reply, "thank you. You're too kind."
But it's true: two of our own are headed to the City of Angels, and even though I know that they will be greeted by crushed dreams, and soon devolve into 5-dollar-a-wank crackwhores, I'm still a little jealous. I mean, to be young and less funny than Gladstone in the movie capital of the world? That just sounds wonderful.
Don't worry about me though. I'll be fine. Sure, I heard a rumor that DOB is going to be playing the role of Goatse in Internet Party 3. And Jack told me that DOB keeps pitching a new crime fighting series starring him and Swaim called Gun & Gachete. (I know. It doesn't even make sense. Talk about a one trick pony!)
But hey, I still have Ross and Chris! And by "have" I mean the opposite of that. Just last week, I learned ---with the rest of the English-speaking world--- that Chris is (gasp) Canadian! Sort of a dealbreaker. And Ross? Well, I'm glad his boss has websense so he won't read this when I say I'm pretty sure Ross is the Zodiac Killer.
So I wash my hands of all four them. Go ahead. Leave, grow, do your thing. But if you go out that door, it's the end. Swaim, when Carlos Mencia cancels your walk-on part as Crazy Mexican #3, don't come cryin' to me. And DOB, when those fancy LA trainers see you with your shirt off and say, "that's what passes for rock hard abs in Jersey?" don't send me any tear-stained e-mails.
Now, I'm not sure what any of this has to do with this week's Hate By Numbers, but there's not much I have to add to Greg Gutfeld of Red Eye crackin' wacky jokes to some sex columnist. I mean, I'm fairly sure some folks will take the clever tact of saying that I'm a hypocrite and I'm just the jerk I say Gutfeld is and ... oh, I'm sorry, I fell asleep just anticipating that.
In any event, here is the 10th installment of Hate By Numbers. I hope you enjoy it.
Gladstone wants to be your special friend. Check out some more of his stuff HERE and OVER HERE and HERE TOO.
Gladstone I love you! Who cares about the other columnists? You're the one I want
ReplyToller Post, vielen Dank.
ReplyJust a nice info to me, thanks. I will take your blog rss.
ReplyGladstone, who gives a crap about Swaim and DOB? We just read Cracked for you and your Hate By Numbers. It’s wonderful and you are not at all a smug douchebag.
ReplyI found them all! On Cracked's channel!
Replythe video isn't loading and I cant seem to find it in your youtube channel! God damn, Gladstone, I need this man!
ReplyI have never been here before and as yet have no idea what this is all about. But that was quite amusing.
ReplyTo the people bashing Mr. Gladstone - I guess he achieved something in making you care enough to bother commenting. If it was really no good, or not worthy of attention and respect, you'd have said nothing :)
damn, there goes one sexy ass Cracked commenter.
ReplyGladstone, who gives a crap about Swaim and DOB? I just read Cracked for you and your Hate By Numbers. It’s wonderful and you are not at all a smug douchebag. Awesome, and btw, you're welcome.
ReplyDo a Hate by Numbers on society itself. It sucks.
ReplyI love the tags for this article. No need to worry about those illiterate children. You'll have the east cost all for yourself.
Replykingmonkey+1 spends two minutes photoshopping a picture and I spend two weeks making a diorama of all the hate by numbers out of dog poop and this is the thanks I get?
ReplySee if I send you any more of my limited edition dog shit sculptures. You'll be sorry, they will be worth millions one day.
Only if they've still got litter on them. It's like sprinkles on ice cream, only different.
ReplyWow. Thanks for raising the bar, asshole. ^_^
Reply(Will cat droppings top that?)
That might be the greatest thing ever. Long live the king. That so beats the box of dog droppings that Glendoor mailed to me.
ReplyMan, that's just wrong.
Replythis is how vicious internet rumors get started. I said i like the BOO RADLEYS!!!
ReplyI like you Gladstone but I'm not gonna lick your face, either side, and that's not even counting the fact that apparently you like to be bukkaked.
ReplyThat's just gross.
Poor Gladstone; I'm not surprised. You're getting more and more traffic but it's from us, which must be a mixed blessing indeed.
ReplyIsn't that a normal feeling?
Reply. . . Or am I the only one who feels like that constantly?