6

Our Bodies Are About To Drastically Change

The ad above promises "8 Easy Ways To Increase Your Daily Water Intake." That's worrisome to me, because there is currently just one easy way to increase my daily water intake, and that is to drink more water through my mouth. In a pinch, I suppose I have two more orifices through which water could enter my body (rectum and the IV central line I keep in my arm), but I wouldn't count them as "easy." If there are about to be seven more ways of easily increasing my water intake besides drinking it, my body is going to look very different from how it does now.

LuckyBusiness/iStock

I don't know what these seven new mechanisms for taking in more water will look like, nor what their intended function will be. But I can tell you what their intended function won't be: water intake. If that were their function, certainly nobody would think to run an ad suggesting you use them for their obvious purpose. No, our new mouth/left mouth/right mouth/semipermeable membrane/south mouth/skull valve/under hole/overmouth system will have a different purpose from our hydration, which is why this ad needed to be created and someone paid good money to make sure you and I saw it. The ad above is likely a "holehack" article that I can only imagine will become disturbingly common in the near future.

5

Snoring Will Become An Indicator That You Need To Be Euthanized

4

The Water Wars Are Starting

3

Roving Gangs Of 20-Somethings Will Bathe In The Blood Of Their Enemies

The headline in this ad is "Woman Is 53 But Looks 27." It is important to note that the woman pictured above it does not in any way look 27. At least not to our eyes. But she does have blood and bits of flesh all over her face. And that is the fact this ad is cluing us into about our not-too-distant future: For some terrifying reason, looking like you're 27 is going to be synonymous with having blood and viscera smeared all over your face.

John D Kisch/Separate Cinema Archive/Getty Images

2

Coca-Cola Will Destroy All Other Sources Of Calories

A pair of hands cradle five broken eggs in a garden. We cannot help but feel the holder's confusion and loss at the wasted potential and nutrients. They look like hands in disbelief, moments before they crush the empty, worthless shells and then, shaking, thrust upward into the air, cursing any god that would let this happen.

The text of the ad gives us our only clue as to the cause: Coca-Cola. Why would drinking Coca-Cola cause low blood sugar? There is only one logical explanation that links Coke to the destruction of these eggs: Not satisfied with being the biggest soft drink provider in the world, they become a monopoly on all the world's calories. They see every beet, every walnut, indeed every egg as their competitor, for each one of them consumed means less Coke sold.

Detanan/iStock

Drinking and supporting Coke will soon lead to the downfall of all non-Coke nutrition on Earth. And if you are so insolent as to try to hide chickens to lay some protein-rich eggs, the people at Coke will destroy them. So that as you gaze into the ruined, worthless, empty shells, you will also see your future.

1

The Weakest Among Us Will Be Enslaved To Grow Tomatoes

You'll be relieved to know that there is nothing sinister about the things protruding from the tomato above. They are simply sprouts from the tomato seeds still lodged in the flesh of the fruit. What should disturb us, however, is that being low-energy is somehow linked to having to hold a quarter near these sprouts.

There is only one possible explanation for the photo above: Very soon, tomatoes will gain sentience and a basic understanding of coinage. Then, the most patient and lowest energy among us will be forced to coax the tomatoes to grow using our currency. "Just a little further and you'll reach this quarter," they'll inevitably say.

The tomato concierges will fall into a downward spiral: If their labor is worth less than a single tomato plant's growth in a day, it will be impossible for them to afford food, much less keep the thugs from Coca-Cola at bay. They will grow lower and lower energy until they cease to move at all, finally nourishing the tomato plants with their very bodies.

sandsun/iStock

The Bible tells us that the meek shall inherit the Earth. Not likely, given the future these advertisers know is coming. The Earth shall inherit the meek.

That, or advertisers are throwing random combinations of pictures and clickbait titles up on the internet and people are actually stupid enough to click on them so that these advertisers are making boatloads of cash. But I can't even bring myself to consider such a terrible portent for our future as a civilization. It must be the doomsday stuff.

Aaron Kheifets is an occasionally mustachioed comedian, writer, and director. You are allowed to follow him on Twitter.

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