You'll be relieved to know that there is nothing sinister about the things protruding from the tomato above. They are simply sprouts from the tomato seeds still lodged in the flesh of the fruit. What should disturb us, however, is that being low-energy is somehow linked to having to hold a quarter near these sprouts.
There is only one possible explanation for the photo above: Very soon, tomatoes will gain sentience and a basic understanding of coinage. Then, the most patient and lowest energy among us will be forced to coax the tomatoes to grow using our currency. "Just a little further and you'll reach this quarter," they'll inevitably say.
The tomato concierges will fall into a downward spiral: If their labor is worth less than a single tomato plant's growth in a day, it will be impossible for them to afford food, much less keep the thugs from Coca-Cola at bay. They will grow lower and lower energy until they cease to move at all, finally nourishing the tomato plants with their very bodies.
"It's the ciiiiircle of liiiiife."
The Bible tells us that the meek shall inherit the Earth. Not likely, given the future these advertisers know is coming. The Earth shall inherit the meek.
That, or advertisers are throwing random combinations of pictures and clickbait titles up on the internet and people are actually stupid enough to click on them so that these advertisers are making boatloads of cash. But I can't even bring myself to consider such a terrible portent for our future as a civilization. It must be the doomsday stuff.
Aaron Kheifets is an occasionally mustachioed comedian, writer, and director. You are allowed to follow him on Twitter.
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