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If I could, instead of writing this part, I'd just set up a booth on the side of the road and invite you all to come by. Then, one at a time, I'd pull back a curtain for you and just nod my head while going, "Eh?" And you'd look at one of these things and make a face and we'd shake hands and then the article would end. Alas, the lazy internet hasn't progressed enough to allow for that to happen yet. There's no app or widget or whatever. So I need to keep typing this out like some kind of oppressed secretary of comedy from a bygone era.
No one names a living thing a penis fish by accident. You get named the penis fish for pretty clear-cut reasons, chief among them your resemblance to a penis. And this creature does not disappoint; it really looks like an unwieldy, uncircumcised monster. You know that nightmare you have about being in the tub and there's bubbles everywhere and then suddenly, from between your legs, Wilt Chamberlain rises from the deep and slaps your face with his dick so hard you get a black eye? This is what I picture his dick looking like more often than not. And the air is cold. So cold.
J. Patrick Fischer/Wiki Commons
Naturally I had no idea where to find this miscreation in my world, so I had to rely on the internet to find out what flavor of cock this thing is. The answer is sea water. Apparently, it explodes with a burst of salty water in your mouth. So it's a dong that sprays your mouth with a salty brine when you bite into it. Because of course.
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Deep inside us all behind our political leanings, our moral codes and our private biases, there is a cause so colossally stupid, we surprise ourselves with how much we care. Whether it's toilet paper position, fedoras on men or Oxford commas, we each harbor a preference so powerful we can't help but proselytize to the world. In this episode of the Cracked podcast, guest host Soren Bowie is joined by Cody Johnston, Michael Swaim and special guests to discuss the most trivial things we will argue about until the day we die. Get your tickets here!