7 Phallic Food Items Ranked For Their Dongositude
It's been said that the tastiest foods are all shaped like dicks. It may have been said by Jonah Hill in Superbad, actually; I'm not sure. But it's undeniable that wang lends itself to deliciousness, at least from an engineering standpoint. It's the most delicious of all shapes. But there is a small problem with too many shapes to choose from. With so many dicks, how do we know which is the most delicious and which is the most vulgar? Can a dick-shaped food be too dick-shaped? Are there dick-shaped foods less appetizing than actual dick (assuming you're the type of person not normally inclined to nibble dick in the first place)?
Clearly this needs to be sorted out. Are there more pressing issues at hand in the world? I dare you to name one. Don't bother answering, because obviously I've already written this well before you answered and have assumed, therefore, that there are no more pressing issues. I win. Let's dive into dicks.
I don't trust the geoduck, for one very important reason: It's spelled wrong. How do you exist when you're spelled wrong? And it's not like the one girl in your poli-sci class who insists her name is spelled Sheye'Ahnn; it's a whole species of cock monster that's spelled wrong. How do you get "gooey duck" (which is the way it's pronounced) out of "geoduck"?
I read that the name comes from a Salish word that sounds more like "gooey duck" than "geoduck" seems to, but nowhere along the string of explanation does anyone say why they chose to spell it wrong.
The other issue with a geoduck is how it seems like demon cock:
"Your mother sucks us in hell."
Not normal dong at all, not like when your junk is hanging low and lazy on a summer's day and you're drinking a sweet Fresca because you're a man and this is what men do. It looks like the dick prosthetic you'd find in a Gwar video. It would talk and call you names. Maybe bite you.
For those not familiar, a geoduck is a clam that's hung like a horse, pretty much literally. Alternately, it's a horse dick that got bit off by a clam who still hasn't let go. I guess it depends on how you view the world. Cute, right? Only if you like horse dick.
So the geoduck lives in the mud and extends its boner self up through the mud and sucks plankton down its pee hole for a treat, then hucks out waste through another hole. It can sell for well over $100 a pound in China, and apparently it has a crunchy texture. I've never tasted it, but threatening me with a crunchy texture is a good way to ensure I never will. Meat shouldn't have a crunchy texture. Especially dick meat.
Sausage is a gimme on a list like this. Oh, look, it's penis-shaped, ha ha. Well, let's be honest -- it's vaguely phallic, but I assume that shape existed even before dicks, so let's not put the cart before the horse's schlong here and assume everything is dick-shaped when in reality dicks are everything-shaped. What makes a dick-shaped thing truly dick-shaped is a little more than just being tube-like, and that's why andouille sausage specifically makes the grade here. Have you ever taken a close-up look at some andouille, maybe while you're trying to figure out how two Ls together make a "wee" sound?
Andouille sausage has some real textural issues that make it stand at the forefront of cock foods. The outer casing often looks like what you'd expect the overly tanned penis of an aging playboy might look like. Remember George Hamilton? Picture his dick.
You may have heard about the musical they wrote about it.
Worse still is when you cut into an andouille sausage and the inside has these weird swarmy layers of meat and lines that look for all the world like veins and what I assume would be the various girthy puffs of cock chambers. Does a wiener have chambers inside? Call me crazy, but I've just assumed yes. Like, you have the center chamber for pee, a couple of spongey boner pontoons on either side, and then various cubbies for jizz and assorted other facets of dongery. So an andouille sausage is therefore pretty wang-like, almost in a scientific way. Gross.
The inclusion of a corn dog may seem to fly in the face of what I said in the sausage entry about not just anything being dong-shaped qualifying for this list, etc. But there's a mitigating factor when dealing with corn dogs and that's this photo of Michele Bachmann:
And this photo of Jeb! Bush:
And this photo of Rick Perry:
And this photo of Rick Perry:
Good gravy, that is a lot of cornbread-coated meat rod being non-partisan.
Now an upside to the corn dog is that it's arguably delicious as shit, shit in this context taking the place of a word or term that would literally be extremely delicious and not shit-like at all. Isn't linguistics weird?
The corn dog's deliciousness goes a long way toward making it acceptable and awesome, while its vulgar appearance and hilarious political machinations do much for the dick side of things. If I didn't know better, I'd suggest there was a dick cabal out there forcing corn dogs down the throats of political figures left and right for the sole purpose of discrediting and humiliating them for the amusement of the rest of us. But of course that's a silly notion. A dick cabal. Can you even imagine, some group of shady penis-obsessed individuals who secretly run the world? Preposterous.
Bananas were undoubtedly among the first of all foods to be compared to dongs. I'm sure there are a handful of particularly astute monkeys out there who pull bananas from the trees, ponder them for a moment, then go chase their friends around play-humping them. This has probably gone on for generations. I still do it at grocery stores.
Bananas have to rank on any list of knob foods because of their friendly nature. Everyone likes a banana. Is any other food so prominently featured in an ice cream sundae? Sure, you get a cherry on top of strawberry syrup, but that doesn't compare to a banana split in any way. Plus, any time the media needs a dick stand-in, we tend to get bananas. How many images have you seen of a woman eating a banana in a suggestive manner?
Very clever, everyone who ever thought of that joke. Bananas look like dicks. Eat one! It's like eating dick! Cue audience boners.
Now, the shape and versatility of the banana give it a high rank, but it's the fact that a banana actually is pretty delicious that it gets to rank on the list at all. Have you ever met someone who doesn't like bananas? Me too, and they were weird. Weird people don't like bananas; good people do. Strong people. People full of reliable, patriotic potassium. The people who don't like bananas are likely wizened, janky folks who steal and kind of look like the Skeksis from The Dark Crystal.
You may be inclined to look at this entry and scoff. You'd wave your hand dismissively and say something like, "There goes that Clay fellow again, unsure of what the hell a penis even looks like." For truly this Russian confection is only vaguely phallic while being equally ... throbbic? Bubblic? Whatevs.
This sticky dicky is made by sewing a line of nuts together and then dipping them in a mixture of grape must, flour, and tears. Check your recipe for variations. You dip, let it dry, dip it, let it dry, then you have what looks like the melting dong of a Russian forest spirit on a string. Nibble at your leisure!
"It's salty then sweet!"
This could rank higher if someone with vision was able to update it out of the dark ages, when grape must was a treat kids were looking forward to. Not that everything new is better; it just seems like this and plague rats probably used to coexist, and that's a little depressing.
The other issue with this treat is you need a needle and thread to sew a line of nuts together to get it started. Who the fuck wants to rely on a dick-obsessed haberdasher for snack-time anyway? There's too much going on behind the scenes, not the least of which is having to Google "grape must" to figure out what it even is. No, this is a whole can of dicks you don't need to open.
Related: Happy Birthday, Badass - August 3
Aspic is the ancient Baby Boomer word for "Fuck it; I put it in a Jello mold." You can see aspics in some of our more adventuresome food articles and in any cookbook published between 1950 and 1970. During that time, it was considered not only plausible but acceptable to jam literally your entire meal into a Jello mold. Hardboiled egg? Put it in Jello. Spaghetti? Put it in Jello. Actual cuts of otherwise perfectly edible meats? Right in that fuckin' Jello. For no reason. None.
Now, an aspic lives and dies by the bowl it's made in. You could use a round bowl, a square pan, anything you so choose. But for whatever reason, based on pictures I've seen, a solid one in four 1950s aspics was made dick-shaped. And, because it was made from gelatin, it was a big quivering dick.
"Don't forget whipped cream for the tip."
Take a moment to imagine coming home from school in the 1950s. You're probably wearing a tie or whatever and your mom is at home cooking because that's what she does. You come in and take off your penny loafers and put your arithmetic book on the table, then run into the dining room and see this massive quivering cock full of olives and ham cubes just a-wriggling and pulsating on the table. And maybe for a second you don't even know it's food, you just think a sentient salad bar has laid its massive schlong on your dinner table and maybe has plans to make you taste it. What the fuck are you going to do? You're a malnourished child of an age when upper body strength is frowned upon; you're not stopping this from happening. Truly, this is a dread dick indeed.
If I could, instead of writing this part, I'd just set up a booth on the side of the road and invite you all to come by. Then, one at a time, I'd pull back a curtain for you and just nod my head while going, "Eh?" And you'd look at one of these things and make a face and we'd shake hands and then the article would end. Alas, the lazy internet hasn't progressed enough to allow for that to happen yet. There's no app or widget or whatever. So I need to keep typing this out like some kind of oppressed secretary of comedy from a bygone era.
No one names a living thing a penis fish by accident. You get named the penis fish for pretty clear-cut reasons, chief among them your resemblance to a penis. And this creature does not disappoint; it really looks like an unwieldy, uncircumcised monster. You know that nightmare you have about being in the tub and there's bubbles everywhere and then suddenly, from between your legs, Wilt Chamberlain rises from the deep and slaps your face with his dick so hard you get a black eye? This is what I picture his dick looking like more often than not. And the air is cold. So cold.
Naturally I had no idea where to find this miscreation in my world, so I had to rely on the internet to find out what flavor of cock this thing is. The answer is sea water. Apparently, it explodes with a burst of salty water in your mouth. So it's a dong that sprays your mouth with a salty brine when you bite into it. Because of course.
Check out why you've never actually tried a carrot in Why You've Never Really Tasted Your 6 Favorite Foods and see the horrors of food delivery in 5 Ways Delivering Food Is Like Living in a Tarantino Movie.
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