Don't Investigate Weird Signals

I understand that space is quite massive and you are likely to be of the curious sort, given the nature of your chosen profession. But you are not here to explore. You're not a scientist. And you are specifically not mandated by the head office to explore any possible evidence of alien life, like certain other ships. Your job is simply to get the thousands of innocent frozen people in your spaceship all the way through space to the cozy new planet we picked out for them. That's it.

When you're investigating that weird signal, please take some (or any) precautions

If for some reason you ignore that last piece of advice (I'm sure, if you have a reason, it's a good one -- it's not like you're a bunch of idiots or anything) please at least take serious precautions before landing and walking around on an alien planet. Put on a space suit, or something. Don't just throw on some REI gear and call it good.

Fox
This is a great example of a stupid thing to do.

Once You're Investigating A Weird Signal Without Having Taken Any Precautions, At Least Stick Together

So for reasons that are, again, surely not totally idiotic, you couldn't follow my first two bits of advice. And now you're wandering around on an alien planet, dressed like you're going on a day-hike with your grandpa, lighting cigarettes and shouting and casually remarking about how "there are no birds, no animals at all," before you just stick your nose right into what appears to be a clutch of black eggs that squirts sparkling dust into the air that is one of the most ominous and suspicious things I can imagine encountering.

Fine. I guess. Maybe don't split up though?

You're not under any time constraints. You're not worried about running low on fuel. You'll have plenty of time to test the water's ammonia and nitrate/nitrite levels and scan the atmosphere for flesh-eating viruses over the next few days, or weeks, or months. In fact, you should probably get to that signal before you even bother running any tests, because maybe you're going to find whatever was broadcasting the John Denver and realize it's John Denver. And then what if he forcibly impregnates you, and a tiny John Denver bursts out of your chest and kills everyone on your ship? Does that sound like the kind of planet you'd want to colonize? One jam-packed with murderous John Denvers?

CBS News
Is this the future you want for your kids?

Watch Out For That Blood!

If you've ignored all the previous advice for a variety of increasingly stupid reasons, then there is sure to be at least one big puddle of blood. That's fine, as long as you:

Do.

Not.

Slip in it.

If one person slips in a puddle of blood, that's a mistake. If two people slip in the same puddle within a few lousy minutes of each other, then I'm starting to wonder if this is less a "spaceship crew" and more "improv comedy." You don't need to "Yes, And" the alien, guys. He's not a team player. He's an alien and he wants to kill you.

(At this point it's safe to assume your spaceship is lousy with aliens. I mean, how can it not be).

And even if that alien is freaking you out please, please, please don't just fire your weapon wildly in a room full of stuff that can-

Fox
Sigh.

After Your Pilot Blows Up Your Ship And You're Rescued By An Obviously Evil Fassbenderbot, Be Cautious About Which Robot You Trust Because We Haven't Updated Their Appearance Yet For Some Reason

Like all responsible Space Adventure companies, we've put a robot on your crew. To keep it from becoming evil, we gave it an American accent.

Fox
Works every time.

If You're Going to Try and Engineer a Bioweapon, At Least Don't Make It Worse Than the BioWeapon You Already Have

Hi, David. I imagine by now every single member of the Covenant's crew is either dead or has been tricked into hypersleep by you, the only intelligent person in this whole movie. So this last tip is for you:

If you're going to use the Alien Engineer's black-goo technology to make a new race of killer aliens, at least don't make the monsters less effective than they already are? I mean, the pale dog-alien thing that can headbutt through glass and can infect you without you even realizing it seems a lot more scary and dangerous than the thing that burst out of Billy Crudup's chest and immediately started to raise-tha-roof. And that alien, by the way, is a lot tougher than the aliens we meet later in the Sigourney Weaver movies. Seems like your experiments are just making everything lamer. Seems like you're kinda bad at what you do.

Maybe don't mess with a good thing? Maybe just leave it alone? You know what they say: "Curiosity killed the cat." In fact, you should say that out loud during the movie, especially since it's the core theme of the entire franchise. And don't worry about being too on-the-nose -- in space, no one can hear a theme.

JF Sargent is a senior editor and columnist for Cracked and a huge, huge, huge fan of all the Alien movies (even Resurrection!). Give him a shouty-shout on Twitter or Facebook.

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