7 Famous Zombie Movie Weapons (That Would Get You Killed)
Zombies are the best imaginary enemy because they let you indulge in psychotic fantasies while still pretending to be the good guy. You're not a demented serial killer, you HAVE to slaughter your way through the crowds of people you see every day! Except they're all brain-damaged and incapable of teamwork! That's less sporting than an ice hockey team versus a figure skater, and even more fun. But it's only fun because, like all daydreams, you only imagine the good bits. Very few people daydream about their own failures and pointless unnoticed deaths (and those that do are safely channeled into reality TV). Here's how seven spectacular anti-zombie weapons will get you killed.
#7. Shotgun
Why it's awesome:The shotgun is a better anti-zombie strategy than cremation. Whatever magic makes corpses immune to bullet-holes gives up when those holes are a foot across, because even things that don't need a heartbeat find limbs quite useful. And as games like Left4Dead teach us, headshots become head-erasers.
Sixty down, 6 billion to go.
At close-quarters you don't even need to aim: pump-actions turn you into a chick-chacking death machine, while double-barrels convert a crowded hallway into an escape path lightly misted with Eau De Corpse. Undead ups the ante with a triple-barreled monstrosity which can only have been built by MacGuyver's evil twin.
That's 300 percent more phallic than an actual penis.
A shotgun has a worse "safe area" to "huge noise area" ratio than a Space Shuttle launch, which at least takes people places zombies can't follow. Firing a shotgun clears a few meters ahead of you while summoning everything in a mile radius to fill it again, so every shot generates a net increase of zombies.
Repeated shotgun blasts are the zombie equivalent of ringing a dinner bell. It says: There's food over there. And every time it fires there's one less zombie ahead of them in the queue. You serve by stopping to reload. The multiguns are even worse: Undead's trishotty is about as wieldy as an angry rhinoceros and even worse for your survival chances. Burning through ammo at triple the rate instead of bothering to work at aiming makes it the Hummer of guns. It's a more impractical use of multiple barrels for defense than Donkey Kong.
#6. Flamethrower
Why it's awesome:They're the ultimate in crowd control as long as you remember to laugh maniacally and do air quotes for "control." Because the Geneva convention doesn't give shit about zombies. Flamethrowers kick so much ass that even countries who've decided they're going to spend the next few years murdering each other -- but it's totally cool with every other country because they called it first (war is weird) -- agree not to use them.
commons.wikimedia.org
After World War II, even the people who'd just fought through World War II thought "Jeez, maybe those things were a bit much."
The usual downside is carrying a huge flammable tank on your back but zombies can't take advantage of that. It's like an alien spaceship boss finally fighting a colorblind pilot: massively overpowered weapons and they can't see your weak point! The zombies' only advantage are numbers, and that only makes your Flamesgiving Day bonfire that much brighter!
You're now a zombie because:
Burning sucks for people because it uses up all the air (which zombies don't need) and causes incredible pain (which zombies can't feel). A real burning human body doesn't melt away like an ambulatory enemy candle, either. If you are fighting a tinder-dry undead monster which ignites like it's been wrapped in kindling, you're fighting a mummy. And dead, because all you've done is burn them down to a Cursed Charred Skeleton which is +5 invulnerable to your fire.
Zombies are gooey so you need to keep applying external flame to keep them lit, and unless you're using an oxacetylene torch you're not actually getting rid of any zombie in the process. You're just making sure they enjoy flame-grilled flesh when their burning jaws bite your face off. You'd be better off handing them primed grenades and hoping you've run away before they work out how to drop them. Oh, and since you also tend not to fight zombies in space or underwater, now the entire area is on fire and you can't see or breathe. But that won't be problem for long.
#5. Lawnmower (Braindead/Dead Alive)
Why it's awesome:Before Lord of the Rings, Peter Jackson made movies for people with severe mental problems. Dead Alive is something a scriptwriter would write as a meat packing plant insurance scam, be caught because it's retarded, then found innocent by reason of insanity. New Zealander Lionel Cosgrove ropes a lawnmower onto his chest and charges into a zombie-packed hallway. This scene shreds so much disgusting fake flesh that hot dog makers consider it a motivational seminar.
Hey zombies, who's on the right side of the spinning blades?
Not you!
There are more body parts flying around than a mannequin factory, and more bodily fluids flying in larger arcs than every other video clip on the Internet put together. It goes on so long that liquefying people actually starts to get boring, which is wasted cinema, because if you've watched this movie this far you don't need to imagine what it's like to be a serial killer. The creation of oil didn't spend so long killing things into liquid. Hannibal Lecter would watch this and lose his appetite. And in some horrific movie sexism, Lionel kicks zombie limbs down the hall to where his girlfriend is doing the same thing in the kitchen, with a blender.
You're now a zombie because:Dead Alive zombification is passed on by fluid exchange so running around at ground zero of an infection-slurpee fountain is problematic. Lionel bathes in so much blood vampires in other movies start to smell him, and so much soaks into the floor that people in Madrid start hungering for human brains.
Most men only look like this after being born.
A weapon where enemies can get within headbutting range will have literal teething problems. Luckily New Zealand lawnmowers are apparently powered by a miniature black hole: the zombies queue up to reach into the whirling blades like it holds the Meaning of Death. Assuming that your zombies don't know that they're almost at the end of the movie, the only dent you'll make is carving a chest-hole into the first zombie to bite your face off. Though your shambling rotomatic corpse will be slightly better at stumbling through underbrush than your zombie colleagues.
#4. Tesla Ball (Dead Rising 2)
Why it's awesome:Anything named after Nikola Tesla has to kick electrical ass, and Dead Rising 2 uses it to kill more infection victims than the plague. The Tesla Ball reverses the polarity of a metal bingo ball: instead of keeping people alive just this side of death, it kills the shit out of them on the other. It's like the Japanese copied the boulder from Raiders of the Lost Ark, only the new version is miniaturized, electrical and completely insane.
When even a video game tells you, "Stand back, we got this," you know it's going to kick ass.
More ball-based testosterone and voltage than Zeus's testicles.
The lightning extends around three meters, meaning he's ramped two car batteries to 9 million volts. Each bolt lasts a few seconds so they're producing more electrical power than every nuclear plant in the world combined, and even more destructively. With the game selling over 2 million copies that means this sphere has killed more fictional things than the Death Star. And has no stupid flaw.
You're now a zombie because:
Chuck Greene grabs a bare metal frame carrying enough electricity to overload Cybertron with his bare hands because HELL YEAH! (Ditto Frank West In Dead Rising 2: Turbo.) They're simply too awesome to die, despite -- and this is the problem -- being the only ones who possibly could. (Well, apart from the game's "survivors," but those suicidal bat-magnets could kill themselves in a coma so they don't count.)
Electrocution kills humans because it overwrites their heartbeat and nervous system. Two things zombies aren't known for. In fact, lightning bolts is exactly how you get a pile of corpse parts to stand up and start murdering things in the first place (citation: work of Dr. Frankenstein, incomplete). This weapon would kill negative zombies. Larger currents can cause burns and cell damage, but burns are already useless and it's hard to damage a cell past "rotting."
We totally used flamethrowers in Vietnam! This article is about as well-thought-out as a vote for Obama.
ReplyIf zombies can hear, their brains must function. If their brains function, they must breathe, to oxygenate their blood. There fore, they must breathe, and a flamethrower would make an excellent weapon. I don't remember gunshots being dinnerbells to zombies in the early zombie movies. Fast-moving zombies don't make sense (if they are truly dead) because of rigour mortis.
ReplyTwo things; First, I think you're assuming that Zombies are in-fact 'dead' alla 'Night of the Living Dead' whereas most recent films subscribe the the 'Rage Virus' philosophy of Zombification. In this scenario the Zombie is not technically dead just a really insane and really pissed off human. Second, I'm no expert of Katana's beyond what I've seen on the History and Discovery channel. I agree that they probably take an insane amount of care but they were weapons of war after all. Large scale battles in feudal Japan must have included the good ol' large scale infantry/calvary charge which devolved into a Cuisinart-esque melee. In such a situation, if the Katana was as fragile as claimed wouldn't it be so much less revered than it currently is? Again, feel free to correct, I'm no expert...
ReplyI noticed the comment about the katanas being a bad choice, but that actually isn't accurate. In ancient Japan they were tested (believe it or not) on live prisoners. If the sword cut all the way through the torso, all was good. These things had to go to war remember, so two metals were used to accomplish this, a hard metal on the outside for an edge that wouldn't chip, and a soft metal on the inside to absorb impact. Most katanas today are crap, yes. Those however are cheap replicas not the real deal. Katanas are known for strength for a reason. Cold Steel has some cool videos of just how strong katanas are, and those aren't even made using the traditional methods!
Reply"and more bodily fluids flying in larger arcs than every other video clip on the Internet put together"
ReplyGee, I wonder how much it would really be...
technically the flames of a flamethrower should be hot enough to damage the brain to the point of re-death
ReplyYou have obviously never wielded a Hanwei Ninjatoo. Mortals cower before the sight of that demon steel. Zombies kneel in acquiescence of their prompt dispatch. Awesomeness ensues. Demon katanas FTW.
ReplyAlso, I fail to see your logic that I would only have one of these weapons available. I could very well want to kill a few Zoms with a shotie to draw the rest of them in the vecinity into a trap, and then blow the fuckers up with a massive amount of fireworks, then wait for the rest of them to show up for subsequent ambushes. Seriously, I kinda slept through military science. Instead I studied the exceptional cases. Zombies would be like the Romero originals. Dead in one night.
are you kidding me? Explosives against zombies? You'd either have to be the luckiest SOB on the planet, or wrong. Explosives kill via shrapnel, which means that in order to kill a zombie, you'd need some of the shrapnel to hit the brain. Also, how would you plan on amounting a large supply of fireworks? this may be just where I live, but owning any real, actually would be potentially useful in a zombie invasion fireworks, are illegal. that being said, assuming you don't already have that "massive amount" already stockpiled, how would you acquire them? You'd need some way to get to a store to stock up on some, and if their are enough zombies that blowing them all to Hell is more practical then individually killing them, that offers a major issue for you. Ok, sorry, had to rant a bit.
Hey you stole that "Documentary" joke in #1 from the Bruce Campbell topic!
ReplyHack move.
I wonder how effective that big-a** sword from Game of Thrones would be...the Fist of Rukt from HALO would probably be a useful weapon to have, too.
ReplyI think the problem with the zombie related articles on here is they all assume that all zombies are the kind from Romero's originals. Slow, theoretically immune to physical trauma excepting decapitation, and actually undead.
ReplyIf you were to take the more 'realistic' approach to zombies, a la 28 Days Later (in which no zombie is actually dead), then half of these suddenly become useful again, minus the sound qualities as stated on the shotgun.
That would also completely debunk the "7 scientific ways zombie outbreaks will fail" article and though I've not read it yet, possibly "5 popular zombie survival tactics that will kill you".
True, but technically 28 Days are infected crazy people, NOT undead zombies. Different phenomenom, so different rules apply.
...One thing that always bugged me about the 28 Days crazies is that they get infected and become insane bloodthirsty freeks who loose the ability to reason and are full of nothing but rage and a desire to kill and destroy. So, ....why don't they ever attack each other??? ...Never quite made sense to me, but I did enjoy the movies though.
actually the 5 popular survival tactics article was more what would get you killed in any doomsday scenario. So its quite useful
My zombie weapon of choice, a spear. Lower maintenance than a katana, longer reach than a sword, no need for ammo, still look bad-ass. and can be used to barricade a door in a worst possible scenario situation.
Reply Hide All See All 7 RepliesJust out of curiosity, how do you envision using a spear against undead zombies?
Spears are mostly for thrusting and stabing. Poking holes in something that's already dead doesn't seem all that effective. ...Unless you plan on just whacking them like you would with a big stick???
My zombie weapon of choice, a big stick. Lower maintenance than a katana, longer reach than a sword, no need for ammo, still look bad-ass. and can be used to barricade a door in a worst possible scenario situation.
Spear probably wouldn't work, as it just doesn't do enough damage. However, what about a halberd? It was one of the most popular Medieval melee weapons (yes, more popular than a goddamn sword)for a reason. It is a low maintenance, long reach weapon that would easily cleave through flesh. If you must fight in a corridor or somewhere you can't swing it, you can stab with it like a spear to push zombies back whilst you retreat. Also useful for chopping your way through obstructions.
Halberds are great. In formation.
Halberd or battle axe would be better. Just saying.
True, halberds are much better in formation than in a single-handed combat. However, I would still argue it is the best melee weapon you can have in case of zombie apocalypse. Katanas and spears are already out for aforementioned reasons. Swords in general have shorter reach and require more training and maintenance,having a much greater surface to oil and sharpen. Then different kinds of swords have their own flaws: 2-handed greatswords easily cleave flesh and break bone but require a lot of room to swing, being practically useless if zombies attack you indoors. On the other hand, light swords like rapiers are very agile weapons, requiring little room and allowing you to easily dodge enemies. However, their thrusts are unlikely to seriously hurt any zombies. The flails are quite powerful, but again need a lot of room to swing. However, mace would be pretty good, trading reach of halberd for having greater speed, though it requires you to be very accurate with your blows.
P.S. Don't even mention any kind of shield, because zombies would just grab onto it and never let go.
There is a small issue with halberds, spears, and sticks. Where exactly would you obtain them? It's not like they sell these things at hardware stores. So, assuming you aren't a homicidal psychopath who keeps medieval instruments of death handy to chase those goddamn kids off your porch, you would be reduced to any weapon, makeshift or official, you could get your filthy little hands on. So be realistic. Hope that they're slow zombies, throw any type of furniture you have at them, and run as fast you can for as long as you can. Hell, if you're Chuck Norris, lift a couch, throw it with all of the strength you could possibly muster, and pin at least 3 down from a safe distance away. The goal isn't re-killing them for achievement points or the privilege of boasting about something disturbing on a recent Facebook status, it's surviving until either science, God, aliens, the government, or Arnold Shwarzenegger decides to intervene and end the post apocalyptic crisis at hand. Although since no one here likely has any experience in surviving such a situation (you don't usually expect the average crack reader to be a seasoned Vietnam veteran) the most realistic thing to do would be to kill yourself as painlessly as possible to escape the unending carnage and horror around you. Before you all thumb me down, think about, what's better, ending a battle you obviously can't win by a swift gun shot to your head or the eventuality of ten zombies jumping on top of you, slowly eviscerating your dying body with their claws and serrated teeth as you spend your last minutes on Earth seeing them feast on your blood soaked entrails?
Depending on the zombie type, if they're the classic slow moving ones, then the best defense in a zombie situation is a pair of trail running shoes, and good cardio.
ReplyAnd a fat, out-of-shape friend.
Rule #1 is cardio, after all.
LOL's at "barrels" and "meaning of death" and I'm only halfway through. Nice wordplay there.
ReplyWhat about a modern high-powered crossbow? The ammo is quieter, and best of all, even if you miss the head and hit another body part, if there's a wall or structure right behind the zombie, it'll pin him to the surface rendering him largely immobile.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesWhat about it? This article is about weapons that everyone thinks would be awesome but are actually incredibly impractical, I do think an article should be done on the best weapons though, and I believe your crossbow would make the list, or at least a compact bow, one of those would make my list at least
Any firing weapon is a no go. You will eventually run out of ammo before zombies. Also, crossbow bolts, take up a hell of a lot more space than bullets, and if you have to go on foot anywhere, they're going to slow you down.
IF you get the bolts back once you kill the bastard then you are good to go. Also they are much lighter than bullets and not quite as loud...
Don't forget crossbow bolts and regular arrows are probably easier to make than bullits. I admit I'm not a gun expert but given a choice of firearms I'd go with a mk-14 ebr. For melee, a kanabo sounds good to me, a lght weight one at least
Id use a spear, nice reach, with practice it could accurate
ReplyMaybe if you ask politely the zombies will keep at least a two-foot perimeter around you. Then you might be able to stab more than one before they're so close your spear is just helping to hold you in place.
Also, though a spear works well on living things, I'm not so sure poking holes in the undead would do you much good.
And good luck trying to repeatedly spear a loose necked zombie though their hard round cranium....
What's with all this katana-phile rage? Have any of you ever held a real katana before? None of those cheap $100 knock-offs, but a real one that costs $3000+? I'm not even going to get into the argument of whether it can chop through bone or not. I'm just going to ask you, in the event of a zombie apocalypse, where in the f**k are you going to get one?
Reply Hide All See All 13 RepliesI've already got a few sitting in front of me, so.... there is that.
...also the article isn't so much about: how likely are you to find a sword? ,as it is: How useful would it be if you did?
I'm pretty sure his point was that a more rugged sword would be a better melee weapon against zombies. Something like a bastard sword, that you can use for utility and crowd control, not duels.
well, they tested them buy cutting prisoners in half, and the best ones could cut 4 people with one swing.
Although in terms of swords I'd rather have a claymore.
Also, @NelsonBrown although they don't have a reputation as being "rugged" katanas can take at least punishment than bastard/longsword. They're also faster, you'd need that in a crowd.
All the same though, a bastard sword would probably be better for prying things open, since it's straight.
Why would you need more than one, BryFry? Just to waste money? My car cost less than one of those.
Janae, It's a hobbie and a passion. I also make and sell knives. ....Also "real" katana can be interpreted in different ways, you do not actually need to spend anywhere hear $3000 to get a great quality, fully functional "katana" sword. (just for the reacord)
@kyoshin Katana actually have a reputation for breaking. There's a reason Samurai started carrying two into battle, and why ninja carried real blades at all, they went to sites of large battles and picked up the broken ones. They are incredibly high maintenance killing machines, would sever some zombies perfectly fine, but in an apocalypse scenario you look for sustainability more than burst damage.
Id rather have a machete or a Kukri. Think about it; they're lighter, require little to no matinence, they're hella durable, when new they cut like a bat out of hell & they can be multipurpose (i.e. prying open locked doors, cutting wood,etc.). The machete & kukri are like the crowbars of swords. The only draw back I can think of would be that they're generally shorter.
Monsier, machete's are durable because they are generally made from thinner, softer steel that will bend instead of breaking. They would suck at prying since most will just bend over and stay bent. ...A good traditionally made Kukri is at least thick as hell and differentially heat treated, so it would be stronger. Though no knife or sword is really good at prying.
Most machetes won't hold an edge very well at all, but are relatively easy to resharpen. (if you know how) They are no less prone to rust though than any other carbon steel sword. (which really isn't a problem anyway)
Other than prying, shorter reach, and not holding an edge as long, I do think either one would still work pretty well though.
There's something that the pro-katana people are forgetting, it's the fact that t be able to cut through people, you REALLY have to know what you're doing and honestly what realistic percentage of people have that kind of training?
well, original japanese katanas cost more than $3000+ its in the range of about $10k-$30k... i've even seen $50k ones... and those arent antiques... besides most japanese swordsmiths wont sell you a sword if you are not qualified to hold one... dunno about outside their country though...
Katanas are for weeaboos anyway. Machetes are the way to go.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesLike I said, with a machete you run a higher risk of getting your weapon stuck in a zombie, besides, they have less reach.
Yeah, because katanas are lightsabers that never get stuck, instead of thin, narrow weapons that usually lack a blood groove.
Machete's a good choice. It's a tool.
After you mentioning it, a lightsaber I feel would be awesome for this
Yea, yea, not real.....besides that point........
what about a Kukri? they're like a mixture of the two (like the katana & Machete had a one night stand & this was the bastard son they created) THink about it, they're slightly longer than machetes giving better reach, have the light weight manuverability & crazy sharpness of the katana, require less matinence than a katana, & are multipurpose like machetes.
Monsieur, I like kukris too, but REAL traditional made ones are HEAVY as fuck. If you had one that was as long or longer than the average machete it would weigh around ten pounds or more.
And they would require about the same level of "maintenance" as a katana.... which means it doesn't take much, the author of this article is full of crap in how he over exagerated the maintenace and fragility of katana swords.
...unless you are simply talking about kukri "shaped" machetes? If so, those are just like any other machete, only kukri shaped.
I find it awesome that I'm not the only person who's not only watched Undead but actually talked about it later. I mean, really. How many entertainingly s****y Australian zombie/alien movies are there?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesYoung Einstein?
Not entertaining, but I'm pretty sure Yahoo Serious is some kind of zombie/alien(/retard).
never saw the whole thing of Undead, caught it about 1/2 way through. you're right it was a fun movie
Kiwi, not Australian.
Why not use a shovel? Decent reach, made of steel, needs no maintanence and is durable, can be found in any house with a garden. Plus the edge is thin enough to be a decent decapitation weapon against zombies in advanced stages of rot.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesIt'd be better than nothing, but not as good a weapon as a real weapon would be.
It's not made with ballance in mind, nor is it built to withstand much latteral stress. ...And by that I mean that if you take a standard wooden handled shovel and look at how the shovel head is attached, it's not made to hold up to being whacked sideways against things.
Also not as capable of holding a sharpened edge like a high end sword or axe.
Maybe a russian style combat shovel would work better than a garden brand?
well everyone always assumes that theres gonna be guns and swords galore, which is not true even in the States. A shovel is probably the best one can get in other countries. I reckon a shovel will be as good if not better than a cricket/baseball bat. Shovels are designed to be swung against soil that can be very hard, and are quite durable. My shovel at home has a complete metal shaft with a plastic sheath handle at the end, as long as I hold the shaft and not the handle I wouldnt need to worry about breaking. Granted, the reach isn't as great as one might want. You'd probably use it to try and knock a zombie over before dealing a finishing blow.
It may not be able to hold a sharpened edge well, but you don't need a sharp edge for something as squishy as zombies. Besides, having a dullish edge is good as you don't need to maintain the edge to preserve the weapon's lethality.
Combat shovels would be excellent, but then again, how plausible can one get their hands on one?
Well there's a reason in World War Z the American melee weapon of choice was the Lobotomizer, basically a sharpened shovel.
Obviously you'd take what you can get. The article assumes you have managed to aquire said weapon one way or another.
Sure, not everyone will find swords and such just laying around, but there are plenty of weapons collectors around, (like myself) who have weapons to spare.
A shovel may not have to worry about latteral stress if you are doing it right. According to All Quiet on the Western Front you can decapitate with a thrust.
Problem is if you're not living in the States/Africa and the Middle East, the chances of running across guns/swords or even weapon collectors having guns/swords is vanishingly small.
And i guess it depends on the type of shovel. The head would have to be a specific shape for decapitation to be easy, if it's too curved it's gonna be difficult.
Actually I think the shovel is the way to go, given the fact that it has been proven on humans a century ago, in "All Quiet on Western Front" the main character said his weapon of choice was the shovel instead of the bayonet because it didn't got stuck as frequently, and that rightly sharpened it could go through the whole chest.
As for the chainsaw idea... obviously the author has never used one. They go through skin like butter. I have friends that have gotten cut; plus, think about it, theyre made to cut through extremely fibrous matter, flesh would offer far less resistance. However, they are loud and they do have to be refueled. I'll give him that.
ReplyYeah, ok, it can go through skin and bone, but that's not the problem. The problem is that when a chainsaw goes through any material the blade takes some of the matter with it and must be expelled, which is fine with most wood, but not with flesh. Flesh would stick to everything and jam the machine up and probably burn the engine out fairly quickly. And the air filter isn't designed to deal with blood, so again...engine failure. Textiles can also bind a chainsaw up quickly as well, that's why chainsaw protection pants are woven with kevlar. So if you're say, killing a zombie that has any durable material on it, you stand a good chance of the chainsaw just shitting out on you. I've seen a Carhart jacket stop a chainsaw and that was just canvas. Not to mention a typical chainsaw uses a specific gas to oil ratio, not just gasoline. And oh yeah, vibration induced muscle fatigue. And they are all made for right handed people. And an average size one weighs around 15 pounds. And there are approximately 40,000 injuries associated with chainsaws every year...so you do the math.
What about an electric chainsaw with a giant solar panel attached to your back(foldable for inside? To clean it, just find a pool of water to run it in(doesn't have to be perfectly clean.