Our heroes, on the other hand, are the rogue outsiders taking back control for the people. You know, just like how Trump is attempting to undo the pesky federal protections for the Bears Ears National Monument in order to "return control to the people."

Deseret News

Only back in the waking world, federally protecting Bears Ears is giving it back to the people. It's a land that, when declared a monument by Obama, was met with celebration by the local tribes and people fighting to protect it. Only in two places is fighting that kind of regulation a good thing: in Trump's angry brain, and in the plot of a Marvel movie (where it would be taken over to build an underground Hydra base).

And that's weird, right? Like, lord knows we all cheered when Tony Stark told the government that he "privatized world peace," but the reality equivalent of a drunkard CEO refusing government regulations on his firetruck-red rocketeer armor is something even our very unpopular president would call "a bit much." So why is it OK in Marvel's pretend universe? Well ...

Imagine for a second that you're a regular politician in the Avengers' States Of America, and for the last ten years you've been told that some day a big hypothetical boogeyman was preparing to knock at Earth's door, and the only way to stop it was to pour support into a small group of reckless people trained to beat it up with hammers and arrows. No one in their sound mind would see that plan as a wise investment ... because no one existing in those films can see the cutaways to Thanos sitting on his space throne collecting mystic knuckle jewelry. And even if they did ... I feel like that kind of horseshit razamataz would require some sort of narrative context.

This is what I imagine to be the motivation behind Trump's terrible Muslim ban: some twisted mental image of ISIS slowly assembling the next unspeakable super weapon ... and the only way to stop them is to close our borders. The POTUS is, in the mind of his supporters, Nick Fury battening down the hatches for the inevitable storm. Only for the rest of us... brute, xenophobic force is not a measured precaution. Just like how in the real world, a government agent screaming about a blue swole-demon would be immediately and rightfully committed.

Marvel Studios

As we've already pointed out -- the Avengers collectively cause like 80 percent of the problems they fight. They're seriously lucky that extra 20 percent even exists to justify their continued existence. And thanks to that added threat, things like poverty and global warming and civil equality can wait when there are literally monsters to fight.

I guess what I'm saying is: Folk like Trump better hope some kind of sinister uber-immigrant shows up at our borders with sais or some shit, because otherwise all the money and support he's funneling from environmental and social programs will be a big stupid waste. Luckily, at least individual companies are stepping in to pick up the renewable slack ... which is oddly similar to my next point ...

Superheroes aren't just people, they're brands. They have a color scheme. They have catchy logos. And in a lot of cases, they even represent a corporate sponsor like Stark Industries or Wayne Enterprises. And the villains are no different with Oscorp and AIM and H.A.M.M.E.R. and Lexcorp. In the Marvel and DC universes, the government takes a back seat while CEOs fist it out over the world's affairs. It's capitalism at its most exciting and influential. Also, it's a completely dystopian idea being presented as good. Can you imagine a world where the stock market could influence whether or not we'll be equipped to fight a horde of portal worms? How does the free market account for corporate sponsorship of a Norse God? It's kind of hard to compete with Stark products when they're paying rent for a Sokovian telekinetic with the power to incinerate strongholds.

I reckon the reason we don't mind is because the real world is oddly similar to a way less harmful degree. After all, companies like Google and Apple possess the ability to lock the FBI out of phones and computers, and private companies like SpaceX are planning fucking moon missions. No doubt Elon Musk owns some kind of gun that turns people into red mist. Heck, you could even argue that they are already saving lives with their fancy-as-dick products.

ABC News

The New York Daily News

Business Insider

Oh also, brands take down powerful people like Bill O'Reilly by pulling ads, or influence state LGBT laws by avoiding business in certain areas. I mean, shit ... the current United States president is a brand. Trump has a logo, an agent, a tacky color scheme. Now imagine instead of shitty casinos and real estate, he actually ran something with a scary amount of power. Like ... I dunno, Facebook.

Salon

Mind you, I'm not saying it's bad that Apple knows all our secrets or that Elon Musk is revamping American infrastructure -- just that it's weird as hell that they have that kind of power. And even weirder is the fact that we're all okay with it. And even weirder than that weirdness is the fact that we're okay with it because (for the most part) it is okay. Because unlike the Marvel universe, the most any corporation wants to do (so far) with their overreaching power is sell us junk. And we love junk.

"But corporations don't have distinct personalities or make snarky quips" you say, having never been on Twitter before, apparently.

Wendy's/Twitter

At this point, we're basically one armored suit away from an actual Tony Stark -- the difference being that it'll be way less fun when he's compromising actual U.S./Middle East relations with rogue explosions.

The justification is always that in these specific scenarios, Superman and Iron Man are good -- even though most of the public have no evidence to believe that. And yet the films treat reasonable doubt like some kind of narratively punishable offense.

Warner Bros.

See ... In all the cases I've mentioned, the screenwriters have specifically created a situation where the naysayer turns out to either be wrong or have nefarious motivations ... therefore justifying the audience's dislike of their sourpussery. But the non-fictional version of these "villains" are the Woodwards and Bernsteins of the world. They're the people in the movie Spotlight. The congressional hearings for braggart shit-heaps like Martin Shkreli. And guess who that makes the heroes?

He fools around with a time amulet he was specifically told to avoid, and instead of that defiance biting him in the ass ... he ends up saving the day with it. Because in the Marvel universe you can be an aggressively pompous showboat so long as the ends justify the dickhead means. Thor was banished for his pride, but never earns his goodwill back through modesty or kindness. Like Iron Man in Avengers he sacrifices himself to save others, somehow overwriting that original disgrace without actually having to change his attitude.

Because we don't want them to stop being funny jerks, but rather do something heroic to justify why people tolerate the abuse. The message is clear: You can be a perpetual fuck-cannister of disrespect so long as you do it in a funny way -- something I'm pretty sure this guy thinks is happening to him:

Mark Wilson/Getty Images

As I already mentioned, Martin Shkreli is exactly the kind of wannabe badass who'd build a dangerous robot suit and flip everyone off when asked to literally cool his jets. Think about that the next time you watch one of these films.

In other words, they taught the controversy, not the fucking truth, which is that the Avengers absolutely should go to jail for what they are doing. Unquestionable to your and my personal enjoyment of their adventures, they are lawfully in the wrong and bordering on terrorism in their actions. That's not an opinion. Tony Stark made a war suit and personally went over to the Middle East and started shooting people. It doesn't matter if he did it for heroics; just the airspace violations alone is enough for handcuffs. I'm not saying they wouldn't get off easy or be pardoned by the president for saving New York -- I'm merely saying that they're ignoring even the most basic of judicial standards. They've declared themselves to be above the law at all times, and whether or not that's a good thing is somehow a debatable topic?

Imagine if someone had the power to level buildings while also running a corporation and being an arrogant prick about it. In the real world we'd hold that person accountable and not simply debate the morals of their actions, right? Am I right?

The Washington Post

Look, I really enjoy all of these films. But there's always been some underlying horror about them in terms of what they say about America. I could never figure out what it was until I rewatched the 2004 film Team America: World Police. When the film was made a decade ago, during the War on Terror in Iraq, it was considered a terrific satire on America's tone-deaf ability to impose our will on the world. It made fun of the cheap, trivial, Michael Bay-ism of death and destruction.

And holy shit, you guys ... it's the exact same plot and aesthetic of The Avengers. All of it. Their adventures tearing around the globe in super jets ...

Paramount Pictures

... obliviously inflicting their will on other countries in the form of explosions ...

Paramount Pictures

... and then calling it a day at their swanky lair/bar where they have martinis and worry about their own personal drama.

Paramount Pictures

Paramount Pictures

But the big difference is that Marvel isn't being satirical about their characters bombing around the world inflicting destruction and hanging out in their swanky base. What was satire about America's arrogance ten years ago is being played totally straight today ... and to the absolute delight of audiences. And that's pretty fucking insane.

Hey hey ho ho Dave is on Twitter.

For things about superheroes you'll wish we never mentioned, check out 5 Deeply Troubling Questions The Marvel Movies Don't Address and 5 Problems In The Background Of Every Superhero Movie.

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