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Robot Entertainment

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We're Growing Indestructible

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Medical science kicks more ass every day, and we're used to hearing about advances that help us fight cancer or delay AIDS or whatever. But scientists are also hard at work on a far more awesome set of developments. A robot liver is expected in 2014, which means we're only a set of robot lungs away from changing most "life-shortening addictions" into something you 3D print away.

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Finally, a cure for exploding head syndrome.

Oh, and bulletproof skin is a thing now. Scientists at Utah State University used their transgenic goats and silkworms (which are apparently things that exist) to weave spider-silk cocoons, which were threaded into engineered human skin by a bioengineer in the Netherlands. So far the hybrid flesh can only stop bullets fired at half their normal speed. But that's a vast improvement over generic, store-brand human flesh, which is well known for stopping no bullets whatsoever.

And this whole insane piece of Ridley Scott-grade mad science was "just" an art project at its core. There's a zero percent chance the military won't look into bulletproof goddamn skin as soon as medical science catches up with our ability to exploit spiders. And like the Internet, functional invulnerability is bound to hit the civilian world just as soon as the cost comes down. Don't pretend you won't opt for the bulletproof skin upgrade as soon as it's more affordable than a shitty used car. This right here is the solution to America's gun crime problem: Make all the guns useless.

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"Yes sir, we booked him for possession of a harmless noisemaker."

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No More Delicious Fish

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Did you guys know Finding Nemo was a period piece? It wasn't meant that way, but the whole reef ecosystem it re-creates in such vibrant color is dead. A few isolated pockets might be able to survive here and there, but scientists already consider the global reef system beyond saving.

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After taking this picture, everything was churned into $4 worth of Long John Silver's.

In addition to making any Finding Nemo sequel depressingly similar to The Land Before Time, this means disaster for the reality TV industry: Future generations will look at our crab fishing and deep-sea hauling shows in utter bafflement, while they stay the hell away from the jellyfish filled hellpit that are the oceans they know. Callum Roberts, a professor at York University, predicts that the seas of 2050 will supply only half the fish protein needed by the hungry mouths of the world.

On the upside (if you're a jellyfish fetishist, as I assume all my readers are), jellyfish populations are exploding worldwide. Jellyfish blooms, which look like this ...

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And feel like taking a needle enema.

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We've Decided to Trade Oil Wars for Water Wars

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The good news: Hydraulic fracturing actually frees up a shitload of natural gas. More than enough to make "war over oil" even less necessary than it already was.

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Finally, we can go back to fighting wars over meaningful things, like hat style.

The bad news: Fracking destroys our freshwater supplies faster than a coked-up screenwriter goes through tissues. Fracking is one of the two most significant causes of the water shortage in the U.S., and since the other cause is tar sand oil extractions, we really are trapped in a "one or the other" situation. There's simply no other way for the vast majority of our oil wells to stay productive.

Meaning the wars of the future will be fought over water, rather than oil.

And hey, from an entertainment standpoint that doesn't sound half bad. Until you think back to Hollywood's last attempts to render water-based strife: James Bond's Quantum of Solace and, Poseidon help us, Waterworld.

If we don't stop fracking now, this might get a reboot.

The clock is really ticking on this one, guys. The U.S. State Department expects the world need for fresh water to exceed the supply by 40 percent in 2030. We've got only a few short years to perfect the weaponized Jet Ski before it's too late.

Robert Evans has weaponized all sorts of things, and you can find more from him here. He'd like to bring your attention to a farm full of awesome people fighting rampaging bandits because they could really use your help.

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