3

Middle-Aged Women Aren't Stuffing Molly In Cheese And Calling It "Brieing"

You probably paused for a second there because you got confused on how to pronounce "brieing." I don't blame you. It seems like a word that was explicitly designed to give your tongue a panic attack. But the pronunciation doesn't matter. What matters is the dumb thing that it describes: The act of ingesting brie cheese laced with MDMA.

Before you ask "Wait, is this a thing?", the answer is a resounding "Fuck no." The source of this is an an article on Metro, a UK tabloid, which based its entire story around an anonymous woman claiming to have parties with her middle-aged lady friends. Only instead of getting together for tea, they're shoving Molly into soft cheese and then getting fucking ripped like a ticket stub.

You'll get about 16,000 results on Google right now if you search for "brieing MDMA," and everything comes back to this one story. No one else is out there shoving disco biscuits into Camembert. Even if this anonymous source was being completely honest and she and the ladies get together to watch Survivor on Wednesday nights and get so goddamn wrecked that they try to fuck the couch cushions every time Jeff Probst says "immunity idol," how is that a "craze," as the URL says, or a "trend," as the article text calls it? If everything one person does in their living room is a craze, then I've been at the center of a whirlwind chicken wing and napping craze for years.

That story cites an anonymous woman who claims to have these parties, and it's written by a writer who routinely gets ripped up for articles that are inaccurate, like this one about deadly spiders, or for taking people's content without credit. Is it possible he just came home and saw his mom and her best friend popping Scooby Snacks during a wine and cheeser? Hey, I wasn't there. It literally could be anything.

2

Addicts Aren't Combining Meth And Wasp Killer

My initial reaction upon hearing of something called "wasping" was to guess that either kids were snorting actual wasps or someone was getting high off of the fumes produced by high-society white ladies. But it's nothing so luxurious as either of those. Wasping is the practice of mixing meth and wasp killer. You know, as one does.

Now, this drug scare seems as real as they can get. ABC News even did a full on story about how people squirt wasp killer into meth, or just bake it and then snort the residue, in order to enjoy effects like a hallucinatory sense of smell. Is that when everyone smells a fart but no one admits to it? I wouldn't know; I live clean.

March 2018 saw a wasping panic hit places like Indianapolis and Ohio. At the end of 2017, a dude in Tennessee broke into a house, cursed out the dog, cut his own throat, then leapt out a window. He told cops he'd been on Wasp. So you can see why people would want to use it, because that sounds like a party. Sadly, the buzzkills at Snopes were all "Wait, wasp spray? The hell?" and looked into a Daily Mail story that was a big source for the scaremongering around this so-called trend. That story went so far as to say that people high on this stuff were raging like mad dogs and zombies. Raging Mad Dog Zombie is my favorite energy drink, by the way. Tastes like raspberries and uppercuts.

A little digging showed that the The Daily Mail had taken several isolated incidents and conflated them as evidence of a trend, despite all of them not being the same thing. Only one of those stories, the Tennessee guy, was about someone using bug spray. Other ones turned out to be people all whacked out on Spice. That shit's just wonky, and you should not do it or use it to kill wasps.

1

Your Kids Aren't Eating Strawberry Quik Meth

I've had Strawberry Quik once in my life, and that was two times too many. It's Nestle's chocolate syrup, but they decided to eschew chocolate in favor of pink malevolence that dirties the soul. Don't trust it. And don't trust your dealer if he tries to sell you Strawberry Quik meth. Not because Strawberry Quik tastes like the last thing you feel before you die alone, but because it's not a thing.

In 2018, the Winnetka Neighborhood Council in LA issued a warning for parents to be on the lookout for this tasty new brand of meth. They even sourced their concerns with a real article from Fox News. Of course, that article was written in 2007 and just mentions briefly that drug dealers are mixing meth and Kool-Aid to sell to kids. And in 2016, it was terrifying South African parents, but the roots of that scare were also from 2007. There's even info from the Justice Department about law enforcement running across several kinds of flavored meth that year.

But as Snopes pointed out, cops aren't finding flavored meth lying around. Colored meth, sure. We all saw that tasty blue meth on Breaking Bad and wondered if it was blueberry or Cool Glacier. But colored meth is colored as a byproduct of how it's made; it's not an additive. It's not to entice children either, because what goddamn kid has meth money, anyway? When I as a kid, I couldn't afford regular Pop Rocks, let alone the kind that send you to the moon.

I'm no meth expert, because I roll with peyote and fermented milk or I don't roll at all, but I'm also fairly certain that you don't eat meth. You can eat meth, in the sense that you can eat Tide Pods or Olive Garden, but come on. This was a case of mistaken identity over a decade ago, and representatives from the DEA and DrugFree.org have both stated that no one has ever heard of this being real. Strawberry Quik is the Bigfoot of the drug world -- lots of people claim to have been fucked in the forest by it, but they have little evidence to back it up.

Don't do drugs, do watercolors.

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