As a fairly experienced spoiler of great world cities, I've absorbed more than a bit of traveling wisdom, and one of the things that still surprises me most is how many people do it wrong. There's a huge number of misconceptions people have about the simple act of visiting a place and drinking all its beer. So then, as a public service to you, prospective world-beer drinkers, I present a list of five traveling tips that are completely bullshit.

And because these sights are scattered around the city, the fastest way to see them is almost always by public transit, whether it's by bus or subway or rickshaw.

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Rickshaw drivers in New York are famously surly, and will get pretty angry at you when you climb aboard.
It's all part of the game, though. Just be firm with them.

Why It's Bullshit:

By spending your time on buses or trains, you're missing out on all the texture a city has. By simply walking around, you'll be able to see how a city actually lives and breathes. You'll see the way they drive (manically), the way they urinate in the street (freely), and the way they urinate while they drive (frothily).

On my recent trip to Europe City, I walked everywhere: the Louvre, Big Ben, the beer gardens, Little Ben, the Puppet Sex Museum, everywhere. And although those sights were themselves fantastic, in between I saw how Europeans actually live. It's mainly sneering at foreigners, but still.

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(thinking) "Who is zeees eediot toorist making jokes de la merde and laughing to heemself?"

Why It's Bullshit:

First, the best souvenirs are rarely bought; they're found. Objects that come with stories attached to them, like "This is one of the rocks the villagers threw at me" or "This is one of the rocks I threw back."

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"And here's their Rock God I stole, which set the whole thing off."

And secondly, and I want to be fair here, local handmade products are often massive sucking piles of crap. Remember that one kid in school who showed up in homemade clothes and everyone threw rocks at her? That's what you'll look like when you show up at home with your sad little handmade purse from the bazaars of Southleft Europe. And when you consider that you won't be able to walk 20 steps without someone offering you counterfeit designer goods at rock-bottom prices ...

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It's the prices that are rock bottom, not the bags. If you put rocks in these bags, the bottoms will fall out.

... you'd be crazy not to come home with about 30 Prada bags.

Far and away the most common advice I've seen on how to avoid being pickpocketed is to wear a money belt, which is kind of like a dorkier version of a girdle.

Why It's Bullshit:

You mean other than the fact that money belts will make you look like an idiot, are impossible to actually get money into and out of (without looking like an idiot), and don't protect you from any non-pickpocketing scams? Do you need more reasons?

Avoiding pickpockets and scammers needn't be so difficult, and doesn't take much more than common sense. Pickpockets make use of some pretty transparent distraction schemes when operating, which are pretty easy to spot in action. Also, no bullshit, they kind of all really look like criminals.

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"Hey!"

So long as you start paying attention when shady-seeming people are about, or when anyone gets within arm's reach, you'll be fine.

And because traveling is supposed to be about new experiences, travelers like to share all sorts of tips and tricks for how to meet locals. Things like "hanging out in different parts of town" or "getting off the f*****g tour bus" or basically anything so that the experience of traveling becomes more than drinking lager with Australians in every city you visit.

Why It's Bullshit:

Locals want nothing to do with you, and the ones you manage to get close to will hate you for it. Consider who you are to them: Unless you're in an extremely distant corner of the globe, you aren't new or interesting to them. You're not an exotic bird to be fawned over. And you're sure as f**k not bringing valuable news from the north. You are one of thousands of people visiting their city that day, getting in their goddamned way. And you'll be gone in three days! There is no reason any local would ever want to spend any time around you at all.

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Well, almost no reason.

And that's not empty cynicism. I guarantee that if you're dealing with a local who's showing any sign of friendliness to you, or even just not actively spitting at you, it's because they're after your money.

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Or one of your many Prada bags.

Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and has been chased out of dozens of countries, as well as two city-states. Join him on Facebook or Twitter.

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