Gigantic beer companies are aware of this, so they've tried to get into niche markets. Budweiser tried making more specific types than simply "beer," but got lackluster results. So instead they have been buying up the competition, turning once-beloved breweries into pod people versions of their former selves.

Today, most craft beers that get distribution are drone brands controlled by one of the beer giants. For example, Anheuser-Busch InBev owns 200 brands and has a controlling share in many of your favorites. They're a company so big that they categorize Busch as a "local brand." The only way Busch is a local brand for you is if your address is "every frat house in America."

Via Busch.com
What you don't see is that all that ice is packed in a bathtub.

These companies are fighting such an uphill battle with their image that when they acquired Elysian, they had them keep the slogan "Corporate Beer Still Sucks." Budweiser is like an unpopular kid who pays a cool kid to hang out with them. But Bud can't even tell them to ease up on their sick burns, because it would look suspicious.

By that, I don't mean it looks like it was made by a hypothetical whimsical do-gooder. I mean it looks like a ripoff of an actual soap made by a real whimsical do-gooder:

The number-one rule to make your product look homemade: shitty packaging.

If this were an article about a TV show, we'd clearly be on the verge of a really obvious reveal that Dr. Bronner and Mrs. Meyer are siblings. Instead, this is an article about how Mrs. Meyer's and Method and the like are trying to insinuate that they're like Dr. Bronner's. They aren't. They're owned by SC Johnson and Ecover, respectively.

These companies are trying to use sleight of hand to trick us into thinking that's what they're selling, as though we're a bunch of idiots. Well, I've got news for them: We are a bunch of idiots. Too idiotic to realize that treating us this way is perfectly reasonable.

Egg farms are doing everything they can to seem like mom and pop operations, but they are actually secretive, amoral, coldly efficient entities ... actually, I take it back, that very much reminds me of my mom and pop.

Burt's Bees has as humble a beginning as you might expect. Beekeeper Burt Shavitz picked up a hitchhiker named Roxanne Quimby, they read a book about old-timey beeswax remedies, and they started selling skincare products guaranteed to leave your skin as silky smooth as a bee's. Their story is laid out on the company site, along with their commitment to taking care of their fellow man, making the world a better place, and never selling out so that people use their company in comedic listicles. Over all of it is old Burt's face, looking peaceful but like he knows some hidden, deep truth.

Burt's Bees
"The bees ... they can impregnate your mind."

By all accounts, Burt was never in it for the money and wanted nothing more than a little house, some land, and peace and quiet. That's good, because when he was forced out of his company, which was later sold to Clorox, he got less than half a percent of the sale. In retrospect, that gives a different read to his face on the label:

Burt's Bees
"I've made a huge mistake."

As much as Clorox would like to imply otherwise, after 1994, Burt had as much say in the company as the bees. He didn't use the products or have a high opinion of Clorox. His company and his face are just a mask that Clorox is allowed to do anything they want with.

I'm not saying that just because a larger company buys a smaller one, they're necessarily going to ruin it. Cracked got bought by Scripps, and it hasn't changed in any way because of their incredible news coverage or the way their thriving broadcast business work side by side with emerging digital brands. My point is just that the fake homemade aesthetic is a particularly odious type of bullshit. I don't want to be lied to about whether or not hippies made the product I'm buying. I want to be lied to about how handsome I look while buying it.

Aaron Kheifets is an occasionally mustachioed comedian, writer, and director. You are allowed to follow him on Twitter and look at his website.

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