Now, what would you do if you were a world-famous actress-princess and you were asked the same question? According to one theory, you would be Grace Kelly, and your answer would be a resounding, "Shit yes I'll join your cult. In fact, make me the head priestess while you're at it."
The year was 1982, the cult in question was the creepy-ass, ritualistic Order Of The Solar Temple, and the princess consort of Monaco was about to jump neck deep into its scuzzy antics. Allegedly, her motivation was that she was a) extremely religious and b) hosting a whole slew of lovers of various secrecy, so she presumably saw the whole sex cult thing as a handy way to combine both of her hobbies. According to the theory, Kelly was initiated into the cult just months before her untimely death, paying a nifty $9 million for her priestess title. Unfortunately for the cult (and her!), she soon had second thoughts about the whole "paying millions for an honorary title in a boning cult when she's already a world-famous royal person who can pretty much do what she damn well pleases" thing and threatened to expose the leader of the cult as a fraud. The theory doesn't explicitly state that the cult then killed her, but it totally gestures in that direction with both arms and a boner while grinning frantically.
Is there any evidence of this? Like, any at all, apart from some National fucking Enquirer level stories? Nope! Could the whole "money-grabbing cult trying to ensnare a huge celebrity and then killing her" thing still have happened, in a "Tom Cruise gone wrong" kind of way? Maybe, if it wasn't for the fact that the actual Order Of The Solar Temple was less of a hot sex cult and more of a shit-flingingly insane occult society that ended up mass-murder-suiciding its way to extinction in 1994.
Walt Disney Created His Empire As A Front For Illuminati Pedophiles
General Photographic Agency/Hulton Archive/Getty
Ask the right (wrong) person and you'll discover that everyone's a secret Illuminati agent these days. The president is one. Your mom is definitely one. I once wrote a piece about the Bilderberg Group, and at least one person told me that I am one, an accusation that greatly amused myself and my reptilian comrades as we tracked down the guy and ripped off his face.
Knowing this, it's no surprise that Walt Disney has had more than his share of New World Order finger-pointing, often fueled by his stint in the masonic youth organization DeMolay International as a boy. How much finger-pointing? Roughly all of it. And I do mean all -- according to this theory, ol' Walt was a perverted, mind-controlling Freemason-Illuminati-warlock with super magic powers, who used the twin techniques of animation and amusement parks to brainwash kids into liking cool shit ... and, oh yeah, to turn Disneyland into a giant New World Order honey trap for children. This bugfuck theory is called, I shit you not, The Disney Illuminati Pedophile Agenda, and ... yeah, it's pretty self-explanatory. Let's ... let's really not go there.
"Wait, was this before or after my head was cryogenically preserved?
Because that one's bullshit too."
Look, person who buys his tin foil in bulk, there's plenty of creepiness in the endless pit of entertaining and strange that is Disney, both business and product wise. Plenty of folks have pointed out several unsavory things about the company, up to and very much including a certain list-based comedy website. The thing is, pretty much every huge company has some weirdness in its history, because that's what it takes to become a huge company. Still, I've seen a few business plans in my day, and one thing they all seem to lack is the "let's become the dominant player in our field by turning the very figurehead of our physical companyverse into a goddamned human-trafficking ring" part. Maybe the person who came up with this theory is a hitherto undiscovered business genius that will soon revolutionize the concept of big business in the most horrifying way imaginable. Or maybe, just maybe, this whole "they're all secret cultists after the children" theory tells a little more about its inventor than its intended target.
As for the rest of us, if we feel like coming up with Disney-related batshit theories, I humbly suggest we center them around this vintage Minnie Mouse:
Sasha/Hulton Archive/Getty Images
Hey, I don't see why I should suffer the nightmares alone.
I'm told that this is the English actor Hermione Baddeley cosplaying as Minnie Mouse circa 1933, but let's face it, there's no way the face behind that mask doesn't involve tentacles.
Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked weekly columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.
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