4

The Actress From Plan 9 From Outer Space Black Magicked James Dean To Death

Hulton Archive/Hulton Archive/Getty Images

In theory, the tragic car-accident death of James Dean in 1955 was a pretty straightforward affair, as the combination of a young, brash actor and a super-fast, difficult-to-handle car is rarely a good one. Shit, even the common legend about the Porsche 550 Spyder he fatally crashed being cursed can be explained with this logic: All the fellow actors and loved ones who allegedly got the creeps about the car and warned Dean about it probably just recognized the fact that a young person with racing aspirations is generally not at his safest when combined with a top-level race car that is essentially a rocket.

Yeah, that's the theory. Here's practice: Like a remora refusing to admit that the shark it's latching onto is actually a dead cow, a small but persistent segment of the Internet insists that there was something iffy about Dean's death. Was ... was he murdered? Maybe (according to crazies)! Or maybe he survived but was so disfigured that the studio carted him away in shame, never to be seen again. I mean, clearly this metallic doom-husk is something people just walk away from:

Hulton Archive/Archive Photos/Getty Images
In movies he would have walked away with just a cut on the bridge of his nose.

3

Paul Walker Was Murdered Because Of A Charity Conspiracy (And Family Guy)

Archive Photos/Moviepix/Getty

... yep, you guessed it.

You'd think that the 2013 car accident death of Fast & Furious star Paul Walker was a pretty straightforward, though tragic and more than a little cruelly ironic affair. You'd think such a nigh-instantly reported, universally acknowledged event would offer little in the way of conspiracy madness.

You'd think.

Yet, here's a strangely comprehensive list of almost certainly imagined Walkerian oddities, custom made by crazy people, and for the speculation and general conspiracy circle-jerkery of crazy people. Shockingly enough, the usual suspects of aliens and lizardfolk are absent. However, they're replaced by something even lazier and less amusing: rampant Illuminati crotchbaggery. Also, on a similar note, Family Guy.

There are a few "Paul Walker Was Murdered" theories floating around, so to conserve space and preserve what little remains of our sanity, we'll go for the abridged conspiracy review: At the time of his death, Paul Walker was active in the relief effort for victims of Typhoon Haiyan. He discovered some dirty money laundered in the charity system, thus becoming a target of none other than the Illuminati, who for the purposes of this particular scenario are basically the mob. Moblluminati then proceed to set up a complicated, theatrical car accident, which is communicated to the faithful in advance by killing Brian, the dog on Family Guy, in a car accident. Why didn't they just call or email each other? I don't know. Maybe the Illuminati all have crappy old iPhones and their batteries don't hold for shit.

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"Come on, Tokyo Drift had a more coherent plot."

2

Grace Kelly Was A High Priestess In A Murderous Sex Cult

Archive Photos/Moviepix/Getty

What would you do if someone strolled up to you and said: "'Sup, want to be in our sex cult?" Before you actually raise your hand and start screaming at the screen in anticipation, male readers, remember that the general odds of people who are into goofy sex cults being attractive dictate that the experience would be a lot less Eyes Wide Shut and a lot more, well, this:

Joan Vicent Canto Roig/Vetta/Getty Images
"If you need lube, let one of the goats spit on you."

1

Walt Disney Created His Empire As A Front For Illuminati Pedophiles

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Ask the right (wrong) person and you'll discover that everyone's a secret Illuminati agent these days. The president is one. Your mom is definitely one. I once wrote a piece about the Bilderberg Group, and at least one person told me that I am one, an accusation that greatly amused myself and my reptilian comrades as we tracked down the guy and ripped off his face.

Knowing this, it's no surprise that Walt Disney has had more than his share of New World Order finger-pointing, often fueled by his stint in the masonic youth organization DeMolay International as a boy. How much finger-pointing? Roughly all of it. And I do mean all -- according to this theory, ol' Walt was a perverted, mind-controlling Freemason-Illuminati-warlock with super magic powers, who used the twin techniques of animation and amusement parks to brainwash kids into liking cool shit ... and, oh yeah, to turn Disneyland into a giant New World Order honey trap for children. This bugfuck theory is called, I shit you not, The Disney Illuminati Pedophile Agenda, and ... yeah, it's pretty self-explanatory. Let's ... let's really not go there.

Pictorial Parade/Moviepix/Getty
"Wait, was this before or after my head was cryogenically preserved?
Because that one's bullshit too."

Look, person who buys his tin foil in bulk, there's plenty of creepiness in the endless pit of entertaining and strange that is Disney, both business and product wise. Plenty of folks have pointed out several unsavory things about the company, up to and very much including a certain list-based comedy website. The thing is, pretty much every huge company has some weirdness in its history, because that's what it takes to become a huge company. Still, I've seen a few business plans in my day, and one thing they all seem to lack is the "let's become the dominant player in our field by turning the very figurehead of our physical companyverse into a goddamned human-trafficking ring" part. Maybe the person who came up with this theory is a hitherto undiscovered business genius that will soon revolutionize the concept of big business in the most horrifying way imaginable. Or maybe, just maybe, this whole "they're all secret cultists after the children" theory tells a little more about its inventor than its intended target.

As for the rest of us, if we feel like coming up with Disney-related batshit theories, I humbly suggest we center them around this vintage Minnie Mouse:

Sasha/Hulton Archive/Getty Images
Hey, I don't see why I should suffer the nightmares alone.

I'm told that this is the English actor Hermione Baddeley cosplaying as Minnie Mouse circa 1933, but let's face it, there's no way the face behind that mask doesn't involve tentacles.

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked weekly columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.

You might not believe that Vampira cursed James Dean, but how else except for a vampire curse would you explain 6 Famous People Who Eerily Predicted Their Own Deaths? It's amazing how many lies about famous dead people persist. Check out 5 Myths About Celebrity Deaths Everyone Believes and see that Walt Disney's head is a little less frozen than you thought.

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