6 True Stories About Disneyland They Don't Want You to Know
This summer, hundreds of thousands of happy children will beg, plead and, if resourceful enough, blackmail their parents into taking them to Disneyland. And it's little wonder why: To children, Disneyland is the combination of the only three things that matter: cartoons, rides and thinly concealed evil.
What's that? You don't typically associate the Happiest Place on Earth with crippling depression, rabies, discrimination and hate crimes?
We can fix that!
#6.
Communal Employee Underwear
The Happiest Place on Earth!
Go to Disneyland and you're bound to encounter some of the cheerful be-suited Disney characters wandering around, embracing children, dancing for your amusement and generally setting a friendly, whimsical tone for the park. You can shake hands with Goofy, play fetch with Pluto, waltz with Donald Duck and take precious photos with Mickey and Minnie, photos that you'll cherish forever.
Cherish the memories.
Just like those pubic lice you just contracted.
Not So Happy:
Up until 2001, Disneyland workers weren't allowed to bring their own underwear when they were in character, because normal underwear tended to bunch up and become visible under the costume. Kind of like how some models don't wear panties on the runway, except less "exotic and sexy" and more "destructive of your innocence and everything the concept of childhood represents."
Instead, cast members were issued company jock straps, cycling shorts or tights, which they had to hand in at the end of every day to be washed with their costumes. Of all the perks you can get pre-faced by the word "company," "jock strap" really falls short--way below "company car" or "company jet," and registering somewhere between "company grave site" and "company lube."
"And we want this back at the end of the week, John!"
The next day the workers would pick up a new set of briefs, silently curse the God that abandoned them long ago, slip on their shared underwear and spend the next eight hours humiliating themselves for the amusement of sunburnt children.
And in case you think we're embellishing the hellishness, just know that we weren't joking about the lice earlier: Over a period of two years, three different costumed actors caught scabies or pubic lice from their communist thongs.
Well, either that or Minnie was just a slut.
#5.
Flash Mountain
The Happiest Place on Earth!
Splash Mountain! The thrilling, charming log flume ride where you can float past adorable little animals singing show tunes and playing the banjo... before permanently scarring your children by abruptly sending them hurtling off a cliff into filthy, decades-old standing water. But there is an upside (two really): The boobies. They're right there on the ride photo screen.
Not So Happy:
Splash Mountain gained some notoriety a few years ago for being the premier place (outside of New Orleans and Chatroulette) for wasted people to flash their junk. It got so severe that, in order to combat the trend, Disney created a position solely to search through the ride photos for rogue genitalia before displaying them on the video screens. Don't believe us (or just want to observe boobies in reduced gravity scenarios... you know, for science)? Well, luckily some employees started posting the photos online.
That link is seriously NSFW, unless, of course, you work as a professional Disney jug-watcher.
So, what's the problem? It sounds like Disney took the Happiest Place on Earth moniker a bit overboard in creating literally the best job on the entire planet, what possible downside is there?
Well, they cancelled it. In 2009, the Splash Mountain boobie hunters were reassigned, with Disney claiming that "actual inappropriate behaviors by guests [were] rare." That's right: For several years, some lucky sons of bitches punched the clock at 9AM, watched bouncing titties for eight hours, then went home with a paycheck for it--and last year they lost it all. We can only presume they all promptly committed suicide afterward, knowing full-well that the existential hell of cleaning up sawdust and vomit outside Space Mountain would be made all the worse by their time spent in Topless Valhalla.
Why are we assuming they're still working crap jobs for Disney, and not succeeding in other fields? How good do you think "1989-2009: Professional Boob-watcher" looks on a resume?
#4.
The Really Haunted Mansion
The Happiest Place on Earth!
The Haunted Mansion: Home to G-rated scares that provoke more delighted squeals than blood-curdling fear-shrieks. A happy, cartoony scare-fest that makes all the kids who were too pussy for Mr. Toad's Wild Ride feel slightly better about themselves. The Haunted Mansion has something for everybody: Children, adults, funerals...
And Eddie Murphy's career.
Not So Happy:
Apparently it's somewhat common for a person's dying wish be to have their ashes dumped on Disney rides, most popularly the Haunted Mansion.
"I guess this is what your Nana would have wanted."
Nobody really knows when it started, or who values their eternal remains so little that they'd ask to have them scattered in a place that's probably more child-urine than it is drywall , but it happens so often that security and custodial crews actually had to institute a procedure for handling it. Guards closely monitor the ride through surveillance cameras and even walk the length of the track after-hours to look for suspicious piles of ash and bone fragments, presumably just further deepening their regret at signing up for that Disney Internship they learned about from their high school drama teacher.
Disneyland with a mice infestation problem is what i call ironic...
ReplyActually Minnie is a slut...and played by a dude, to boot.
ReplyWhen my in-laws used to work at Disney, my father in law walked in on Mickey and Minnie getting it on....but both the people in the costumes were guys. This was back during the communal underwear.
There's something about that second picture of the cougar reminds me somehow of Maggie Gyllenhall, it's giving me strange kinds of unsure boners I didn't even knew existed.
ReplyF**king Fundementalists.
ReplyDisneyland is a business. They will take all of the paying customers they can. It'd be a poor business choice to kick out the gays. Also, I would love to go to Disneyland when the gays are there. All the gays I know and have met have generally been cheerful, polite people. It would be fun to share a Disneyland experience with them.
ReplySeconded.
I may be a straight, but I'm gay for Disneyland.
ReplyHomosexuals should start making "Gay Days" at places like Wal-Mart, 7-Eleven, and lots of mundane places until the dips at the AFA run out of businesses to boycott. I went to the Cedar Point "Gay Day" and I never saw any mass orgies (imagine my disappointment), just a lot of people riding roller coasters.
ReplyI don't know what sort of gays you associate, but most I know would not be caught dead at a Wal-Mart...maybe some surly lesbians.
Tbh, that's f*****g brilliant...
Fundamentalist: from Fundament: anus or buttocks. Fundamentalist Christians are literally the assholes of the Christian community.
ReplyIf I were Disney I'd promote Gay Day, they're taking sh** from the a*****e Christians anyway, they might as well get some good publicity and goodwill from the less narrow-minded.
Fundament (from Merriam-Webster)
1. An underlying ground, theory, or principle.
2. anus, buttocks
3. The part of the land surface that has not been altered by human activities.
Middle English foundement, from Anglo-French, from Latin fundamentum, from fundare *to found*, from fundus
.................
Bigot (Merriam-Webster):
a person who is obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially : one who regards or treats the members of a group with hatred and intolerance
someone should take pictures of these people trying to take pictures of "sexual misconduct." and also the violence :P
ReplyI used to work at the Disneyland hotels. Every October, corporate would warn us about the hordes of angry Guests, upset at being amongst a sea of red-wearing homosexuals who all decided to get together for a weekend at the Park, marching into the hotels and demanding compensation for their "ruined" "family" experience.
ReplyAnd every year, those angry guests NEVER SHOWED UP.
On the contrary, year after year, we would receive letters from guests - parents - thanking us for the great atmosphere. As if we had anything to do with it, these guests would start their letters by saying that although they were wary of the gays at first, they found the experience to be the most enjoyable theme park outing they ever had. Of the many letters we got, I remember a recurring set of compliments:
1) The gays were extremely polite, courteous and helpful. A couple noted how they were full of trivia & information on how to make the most of a Park visit. (This results from: a) most Gay Days goers being repeat visitors; and b) many gays do - or have - worked there. The Disney service model never quite goes away... I still point with two fingers to this day!)
2) The atmosphere was more jubilant and cheerful than many of these guests had ever experienced in a theme park. (I chalk this up to: a) It's Disneyland; b) You're chilling with a group largely unburdened by cranky children of their own; c) For the younger gays, this is one of the first/few times they've publicly been amongst their own - there's something liberating about this - and it makes a person very happy.)
I can guarantee that the vast majority of those taking exception to Disney and Gay Days has never bothered to go during it. Their misconceptions would be completely overturned. The letters I've read from guests over the years prove the point.
i like how those religious fundamentalist groups always seem to know the inner workings of the gay community, and what makes gay people tick. im sure disney weighed up the options and realized their gay fan base outnumbers their religious fanbase by about 30 to 1
Reply Hide All See All 7 RepliesI don't know about that. Gay people are, what, 2-3% of the population? Religious fanatics are obviously a much bigger group than that.
Then again, perhaps religious fanatics tend not to like Disney in the first place, given that Disney's movies aren't exactly 100% in line with Biblical ideas. (Of course, Biblical ideas aren't exactly in line with other Biblical ideas anyway.)
In a way, there are two "gay communities", as far as I can tell. There's the community represented by people who live quiet, fairly normal lives... And then there's the community represented by all the prominent gay community websites, the gay-themed magazines, the gay activists who speak out in the media, and the television and movie characters that said activists laud the most.
Talk to a member of the first community, and you'll find a friendly person who is happy to be left to live his own life without incidence, and supports maintaining the innocence of children as long as possible.
Check the second group, and you very quickly run into things like the Planned Parenthood Girl Scouts pamphlet "Happy, Healthy, Hot", which tells 12-year-olds that it's their choice whether to tell their sex partners if they have HIV.
Before religious groups can have their fears calmed about the gay community, the gay community itself is going to have to resolve its bipolar image... and I for one am simply waiting to see which group remains when the dust settles.
SallyForth: Are you serious? Do you truly believe that people who are homosexual have a 50/50 chance of turning into a crazed, child-hating, God-forsaken lunatic? You are only showing your own bigotry. There are not "two kinds of gays", just like there aren't "two kinds of straights". Everyone is unique, and everyone deserves respect REGARDLESS of their sexual orientation (which, in all honesty, is something that WILL NEVER AFFECT YOU IN ANY WAY!).
Sheesh..
SallyForth - I really hope you're trolling because that is one of the most bast-shit crazy arguments I've heard in a long, long time. First of all there is no single gay community, just like there is no single white community or Christian community or black community. There are gay people living in almost all communities in the world. There is no secret gay election where we pick our new leaders who are going to decide what activities the gay community will and won't participate in and how we will or wont corrupt children for the new term.
It is also very telling of your bigotry that you determined the division to be along the lines of those who pretend to be straight and those who don't (I assume that's what you mean by living a "quiet, fairly normal" life. And that you then somehow asserted that being an activist who speaks out in the media is a bad thing. I know gay people who work middle management jobs, own a house in the suburbs, join softball leagues and still take extacy and go out to night clubs. I also know outspoken activists who lead protests for gay marriage and still get up and go to church every Sunday. Just like there are countless straight people who go to church and still cheat on their spouses or cheat on their taxes. People are people at it is ridiculous for you to claim to know how an entire demographic behaves.
Um...@SallyForth, that's like saying all people of any group have to think alike. Which straight community are you a part of?
sally, where do i start with your bigoted reply?
first of all, no group of any sort is exactly the same. just like there are human beings who are complete assholes, there are human beings who are not. there are teenagers who are goth, teenagers who are jocks, teenagers who are delinquents, and teenagers who are really good kids. do you see where i'm going with this? no? well, there are christians who are judgmental and self righteous, christians who are friendly and accepting, christians who are fundamentalists, and christians who are new age. but by your little assessment, all of these groups of people should have to act and be exactly the same in order for them to be treated with any modicum of respect or dignity. which would place you in the group of human being who are complete assholes, and before i can take you seriously or have my crippling fear of the idiocy of the human race allayed, i'm going to need you to gather with your fellow christians and come up with a singular image that represents every last one of you.
let me know how that works out, bitch.
She's making a good, and valid if somewhat uneducated point; the gay community does need to resolve whether it is being excessively flamboyant (to the point where, arguably, moreso then if there was no prejudice in the first place, almost as a reaction.) or if the gay commmunity should 'settle' and tone down it;s image.
There is still debate on both approaches as to which would be better for the gay community at large, to adopt.
Pat Robertson looks like he's impossibly constipated while praying to God.
ReplyWell sure, where do you think those meteors come from?
God looks the same way when Pat Robertson starts praying to Him.
If you are not from the local area around disneyland in Anaheim, it is common knowledge that a HUGE population of the staff is homosexual. I actually admire Disney's inability to care what the fundamentalists say and their ability to support it!
Replygood ol' pat. his stupidity and biggotry are the stuff of legend. didn't he say that 9/11 was caused by "the homosexuals"? i swear i think he's in the closet. why else would you hate a group of people who have never done a thing to you so much. maybe they make him nervous that someday he'll have to admit the truth to himself- that he wants to smoke a BIIIG, FAT SAUSAGE for himself!!
ReplyI remember when I was 4 or 5...We had a family vacation to Disneyland...during Gay Day.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesNow I have nothing against being homosexual but being raised in a conservative republican Christian family and living in a small hillbilly town with dad as the Sheriff, I had no idea what being gay even meant
So Imagine me, 5 or 4, and my two little sisters on the tower of terror and the entire elevator full of men making out around us (yup it was only me family and a whole group of men wearing G-day shirts) So, there I was looking around the cart watching all this strangeness take place. (like I said I have nothing against that, but I was only 4 or 5 I didnt know what homosexuality was I didnt even know that it was possble) i remember looking up at my mom and asking her: MOM WHAT THE F*** IS GOING ON. And there, while getting our picture taken at the top of Hollywood Tower of Terror in Anaheim, Ca was the first time I was permanently scarred by the real world.
*Tune in next time for my the first day in Kindergarten when our pregnant teacher introduced us to her wife 0.O
You were four or five and you asked your mom, "What the f*** is going on?"
Yes I did, i wasnt just being ironic or anything
My daughter, to our dismay, picked up "Oh my God" at age two. It's a phrase that none of us in the family (or extended family) ever use.
Isn't republican Christian an oxymoron?
how were you "permanently scarred"? Do you pop a boner every time you hear the word tower? Did the trauma of seeing two men kiss prevent you from ever learning how to properly use an ellipsis or capitalization?
As someone who had a brief stint as a musician in Disneyland Paris, the backstage areas are the skeeviest, dirtiest, most horrible places. That could have been the fact it was in France, though.
ReplyAll these people are getting so upset about the "gay days" thing. To me, that's not the issue. It's not even an issue. This is what I would like to know:
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesHow would Disney handle it if a ton of Christians started visiting on a certain day and called it Christian Day?
What about if parents started showing up with *tons* of well-behaved, friendly children for Homeschool Day?
What if Disneyland suddenly had a huge influx of dark-skinned people meeting up for Blacks Day?
How would Disney treat each of these scenarios?
We can't say that they're giving 'favorable treatment' to a certain group if that group is the only one taking advantage of the possibilities.
The same way Disney handles all of its situations. "Is your money green? COME ON IN!!!" Have you not been to the Bourbon Street area? It has the ferry and the haunted mansion? Pirates of the Carribean? Where they say things like Nawlins, crawfish, deep fried catfish and ocra? ITS DELICIOUS!
In addition to Gay Days, there are days that Goths (Bats Day), fashion-conscious hipsters (Dapper Day), ravers and fans of Harry Potter, Star Wars and Tron have eked out for themselves. In the past, homeschool organizations have done giant field trips. Most of the big Disney fan message boards and podcasts have meet-ups.
The support for these unofficial days tends to vary. Bats Day, for example, is totally unofficial but somehow the costumed villains characters always manage to show up at the castle at the same time that the Bats Day website scheduled a group photo there. As long as the conduct of the individual people adheres to the rules of the park, they welcome your money.
I WENT TO A HOMESCHOOL FIELD TRIP WITH ABOUT 100 OR SO OTHER FAMILIES!!!!
It was awesome...
best 3rd grade field trip ever
are you actually retarded? Nobody is claiming that Disney is giving gay people special treatment, in fact this article even points out that the only "special treatment" they are given is that Disney isn't actively trying to stop them.
You've posted like 10 comments about Gay Days do you even know what it is or how it works? The entire thing is just some people that decided to wear red shirts and all go on the same day. It isn't sponsored, organized or encouraged by Disney in any way. Somebody picks the day and spreads the word online and gay people who want to have their Disney vacation at a time where other gay people will be there go on those days.
i had a really long, well thought-out response to this dumbass post, but i decided to sum it up in a single sentence: you are a bigoted douchetard who contradicts themselves.
hmmm i think i may have played with a feral cat while there once... naw-well.
ReplyDisney won't support the Gay Days event, but they're the largest distributor of porn in the US... Nice... Very nice...
ReplyReally?
Care to back that up with, well, anything?
"Despite the horror, the tragedy and the violence, that day is still remembered in history as the most fun anybody ever had on Tom Sawyer Island."
ReplyI woke up my brother because I laughed so hard at that line. Great article.