3

Hating a Game Because It's Not What You Wish It Was

Gaming Snack

I recently got sucked way the hell into Destiny. It was billed as something between World of Warcraft and Halo, and neither of those descriptors interests me in the slightest. But then it was on sale for half off over Christmas, and I will apparently buy Ebola if you discount it more than 30 percent. And so Destiny sat on my shelf, unopened, while I spent hours chasing bunny rabbits in Grand Theft Auto. (Seriously: that's how I spend my time plugged into the world's vastest virtual crime simulator, because I'm apparently a Care Bear trapped inside an insane hobo's body). Finally, I had frolicked in so many meadows that frolicking itself held no more joy for me. Reluctantly, I slipped Destiny into the PS4, only to find that, despite the word-of-mouth, it's actually a really good game. It ain't perfect -- no bunnies, for one -- but lots of fun.

Then I made the mistake of looking up people's opinions on the Internet. If your WiFi is down and you're ever curious what the Internet thinks about something you really like, just lean your head way back and spit upwards as hard as you can. Try to catch it in your open eye, if at all possible.

Gamers fucking hated Destiny like it nova-bombed their grandparents on the eve of their 50th wedding anniversary. And here's the weird part: they despised it not necessarily because it was bad -- everybody freely admits the mechanics and atmosphere are great -- but because it could have been way better. There's an imaginary game of pure potential that exists only in gamers' heads, and Destiny is not that game, so Destiny is a piece of shit.

Playstation Blog

2

Criticism About Social Issues

Scott Griessel/iStock/Getty Images

I'm not really interested in critiquing games based on social issues. Not because I think it's bullshit, or because gaming is some sacred space that needs to be immune to college-freshman-caliber criticism. Since Just Cause 2, the only thing I really want to know about a game is whether or not I can surf a jumbo jet into a confused and terrified rice farmer, so 2,000 words about Minecraft's portrayal of sexual politics isn't super relevant to me. That's why I threaten to rape the authors and try to trick police into shooting them in their own living rooms.

Oh wait, no. I just don't read the whole article.

That's way easier.

Don't worry, I'm not getting into the whole Gamergate thing. Especially since it's like three months late, and all the dead horses we've been beating have long since decayed into nutrient-rich soil. There are now pretty purple flowers growing where the horse corpses once lay -- so let us frolic through them, you and I.

Gaming Bolt

1

The Console/PC War

pat138241/iStock/Getty Images

I don't understand the tribalism around gaming platforms. Maybe that's because I am both a filthy console peasant and a member of the glorious PC master race. On a console, I don't have to deal with shit: I drop $400 and, for the next six years or so, I will be able to flawlessly play every single game that comes out for it. No doling out more money for hardware upgrades, no pretending to understand what the guy at Fry's tells me about the different kinds of RAM (just tell me which one lets me see my enemies' brains the best, Gary). Consoles are plug-and-play. That's a huge pro. But then the PC nerds see them and screech, "These games run at 720p and 30 frames per second?! What is this, fucking Syria? My grandfather didn't die in a trench in the Ardennes so I could virtually reenact his battle with anything less than optimal settings!"

Until a few years ago, we all lived with most games running at 30 frames per second and our old TVs were -- man, I don't even know how many "p" CRT screens had. Like four? It was survivable then, and it's survivable now. It's not ideal, of course -- don't start with that "the human eye can only see at 30 frames per second" stuff -- games obviously look better at high resolutions and with higher frame rates, but just because the thing you have isn't the absolute best doesn't make it automatically garbage.

I also play games on my PC, because they look better, sure, but mostly for the mods. You just haven't played Grand Theft Auto until you've played it as a murderous horse in a whimsical flying car. But here's the thing, PC nerds: some console gamers don't give a shit about the mod scene. If you told them that you could turn all the dragons in Skyrim into Macho Man Randy Savage -- as unbelievable as this may seem, they wouldn't do it.

Nexus Mods

"You don't understand," you'd say. "They're still dragons, only with Macho Man's head, and they scream OH YEAH when they breathe fire!" Even still, some gamers would just be like, "Why would I want that? That sounds weird."

They won't even care when you point out that you put photo-realistic tits on all of the orcs. As impossible as it is to understand, people just prioritize different things.

To be clear, I am not at all excusing cross-platform games that put a cap on graphics settings because they don't want the PC version to look better than the console. That does happen, and it's some Harrison Bergeron bullshit that we should not stand for.

Pre-order Robert's hilarious new urban fantasy novel, The Unnoticeables, right here. Read more from Brockway at his own monument to narcissism, The Brock Way, or follow him on Twitter.

And also check out 4 New Video Game Realities That Will Kill the Industry and 5 Things All Games Could Learn from 'Saints Row IV'.

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