But no one likes it when you insist upon shortcuts for journeys that are not particularly problematic. "You took Old Spring Road to the Dairy Barn? Oh man, what are you thinking? You gotta take Old Mill, then get off at Parker Drive and cut through the neighborhood. That way you miss the stop sign by the Taco Bell and the stop light by the public library!"
"But I got here in like 10 minutes," you say. "What's the big deal?"
"The big deal?! You could have gotten here in half the time. I'm telling you. Old Mill Road. It's all about Old Mill Road. Listen to me. I know what I'm talking about."
But we won't, and we hate you. We will never take Old Mill Road. Ever. We will only think you're a d-bag every single time we drive by it. And we will pray for the day where there is a major accident or road construction on Old Mill Road. Because that's the day we'll be sure to mention to you that we almost got completely fucked by taking your advice, but thank goodness we stuck to Old Spring Road instead.
"Good Lord! That could have been me. Old Mill Road indeed!"
Offering to Teach You Something You Don't Want to Know
It's typically a lovely gesture to teach someone something. After all, that famous proverb goes "Give a man a fish and he eats for a day, teach a man to fish and he can feed himself for life." Personally, I don't buy it. I mean, who is this dude who lives by the ocean but has no idea how to fish? What does he think all those fishermen he's begging off of are doing? He probably can't be taught. What I'm saying is, maybe just give him some fish. And cut it for him. Also make sure he's using a spork, because sharper utensils are probably a hazard. Poor dude.
But no one likes it when you offer and then insist on teaching them something they never wanted to know. "Nice knitted cock ring," you say, noticing your boss's knitted cock ring prominently displayed on his desk. I mean, what else could you say? It's on his desk. He wants you to see it. But then suddenly it's all, "Yeah, knitting's really relaxing" and "You should try it" and "Here, let me show you how." Next thing you know, you're knee-deep in yarn and needles and your boss is spending lunch with you every day, measuring your junk to estimate how much yarn is needed. Unless this is just me? Also, turns out it wasn't a cock ring. Just a mitten, but you get the point.
This is my boss.
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For more from Gladstone, check out The 4 Kinds of People (And What You Can Learn From Them) and 6 Non-Medical Excuses That Should Qualify You for a Sick Day.