6 Non-Medical Excuses That Should Qualify You for a Sick Day
There are a handful of good excuses for not going to work: illness, death in the family, and actually that's just about it. But considering just how soul-crushing so many jobs are, I think that list needs to be expanded. I know for me getting to work on time and in a productive state is dependent on so many rituals, all of which must go exactly as planned or I'm just no good to anyone.
Am I being a big baby? I sure I am, but when I'm King these will all be valid excuses. (Also you will be disemboweled for calling me a big baby, you fucking peasant.)
#6. Super Bad Nightmares
It doesn't happen often, but once every five years or so, I dream a member of my family has died. I don't see the incident or even fully understand how it happened. I just get the news, and I get it over and over again. Like twenty times in one night. First, I learn they're dead. Then I forget. And then it happens again. It's like a sick combination of Memento and Groundhog Day. I wake up with an aching jaw from clenching my teeth, and the need to snuggle the not dead family member lasts for hours.
After this nightmare, I then go to work, but I shouldn't. I should write an e-mail like this instead:
Dear Boss,
Sorry to hear your wife is dead. I hope it was painless. Sorry. She's not really dead, but that was pretty upsetting, right? No, seriously, they asked me to write you, it's true, she's totally dead. Not! Anyway, that's what happened to me last night. I don't mean I killed your wife (that was the drug cartel this morning when they sprayed machine gun shots into your living room window - joking!) Anyway, I had that dream where a loved one dies last night. Still shaken up. See you Tuesday.
Boss, you and your now dead wife. (Not really.)
#5. Interrupted Morning Dump
When I was in college I saw this Kids in the Hall skit extolling the virtues of the 20 minute morning dump as one of life's great pleasures. It always struck me as odd, but now that I'm a working man like Kevin McDonald in that skit, I have to say he is right on the money. The early morning dump is a pretty special thing. It gives you time to come up with a game plan. What needs to be done and in what order. Also, if you do it right, it will save you the indignity of the workplace dump in that ugly stall with the painfully thin toilet paper. Most of all, if it's a stressful day, purging yourself thoroughly in the morning will make it literally impossible for you to crap your pants at the office.
But what happens when that morning dump gets interrupted? Maybe you're out of toilet paper. Or you have some, but it's downstairs. Or the phone rings. Or you realize you'll never catch your train at your current rate of discharge. Well, then you've just ruined everything, haven't you? You're gonna be dumping at some stupid time like 10:40, well after your morning shower, and then you'll have that not so fresh feeling for the rest of the day.
Dear Boss,
Today I was like three quarters through a pretty glorious dump when I realized I had the cookies for our company bake sale in the oven. Well, needless to say I had to rush down there so they didn't burn. I washed my hands thoroughly, took them out, and then tried to get back to business, but as I'm sure you know, you just never really get it back. Now I'm all discombobulated and waiting for the rest of it, and I'm sorry, I just can't make it in today. And don't worry about missing the cookies because, come on, you know I didn't really think to wash my hands.
Trust me. You didn't want them anyway.
#4. Losing Hot Water in the Shower
For me, the shower is a special, almost holy place. Not only can a warm shower clean your body, but it can help quell an allergy attack, relieve a sinus headache, and provide a relaxing environment for a good shave. It can also be a sanctuary for that other thing men and women do depending on their shower head setting, and whether there's sufficient soap and imagination. Tis truly a magical place.
But all those things are made possible by hot water. Without that revitalizing steam, the shower becomes cold and upsetting like prison, but without all the male-on-male forced sodomy. (At least in my shower). Instead of emerging clean, refreshed, and brimming with good ideas, you hop out pissed off with soap still clinging to places you like too much to expose to the harsh realities of freezing water. Your hair is a mess (no time or tolerance for conditioner) and the towel mocks you with a thousand pointy fibers that still begrudgingly accept your freezing run-off because, let's face it, it's a towel even if I personify the hell out of it.
Dear Boss,
Shower lost hot water after only about 90 seconds in. Needless to say I didn't get a chance to condition or think about that chick in the ripped fishnets I hooked up with at Madison Square Garden after the Bowie/NIN show back in the 90s. Boiler guy is coming later today. I'll be back tomorrow.
She said Trent put on a better show than Bowie, but I let it slide.
I wish the military would take those excuses. Hahaha.
ReplyI think 'interrupted morning fag' is the smokers equivalent of 'interrupted morning dump'
ReplyI just use the "mental health day" excuse when I need to take a day off.
ReplyI would have to add in taking the day off because the bed was too damn comfortable. You know how it is you're about to get up and all of a sudden you find that sweet spot and you know full well that the second you move you will never ever find it again.
ReplyOr that spot on the mattress where the temperature is perfect, especially when it's a cold morning...
I had the pillows just right, and the cat was asleep on my stomach. You can't move a sleeping cat!
LOL I did call into work once from lack of hot water
Reply*tears in my eyes* this article had me laughing the whole way through!! love as ever, gladstone!
ReplyOtherwise known as "5 Reasons Gladstone Needs Should Be the King."
ReplyWhich one didn't make the cut?
These are all pretty good, but honestly I'd probably never use any of them. The only one that ever happens to me is missing breakfast, and I can find something to eat, even if it means getting to work late with a McBreakfast Sandwich in tow.
ReplyI'd much rather they excuse days where I was't able to get a good nights sleep (most likely due to children keeping me up), snow days (ever shovel two feet of snow just so you can get to work?), and really nice days in early spring and late fall.
If I were an employer, after a long cold winter everyone would get to take off the first sunny spring day with temperatures above 60.
I am a firm believer the "morning dump" should be done at the office. In fact, I can no longer go unless I am being paid for it.
ReplyThere are pros and cons to each. At home there's more privacy and the toilet paper is better. But on the other hand, I have stuff to do at home and if my employer wants to pay me to take a dump, who am I to argue?
"Mental health day" totally qualifies and I've used it more than once.
ReplyThe email in #1 is just awesome
ReplyIf all of these where real then no one would ever get to work sucsesfully.
ReplyThumbs up for what HAS to be a Mass Effect reference in #1!
ReplyI used to wish I could call in when I found out my ex was cheating. Ed, if you're out there, you were an AMAZINGLY sucky boyfriend. Hope you're nicer to your current wife. P.S. Never stick with an S/O who cheats. You'll both be happier once you've moved on.
Replydid ed know you as spikethemuffin? i just worry that you unintentionally upset a whole lot of cheaters called ed...
Anyone else aroused by this article?
ReplyNot like...uh not like I was
Gladstone, you always manage to take a funny topic and make it mediocre. No wonder your name is Gladstone, because when I read your articles I'm GLAD I am STONED, otherwise I wouldn't be able to finish one.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesLay off the jane, your brain is not working anymore.
Is it wrong that I like Gladstone fine but I still laughed at this? I'm GLAD I am STONED!
It's wrong that you laughed at it at all. That's not funny.
#2 Is why I keep a spare outfit at work, but dude, #5 should be a national standard, nobody is doing nobody no flavours if they have to take a dump at work, ew. There are enough stalls for the delay this cause, and everybody knows, it's just awkward.
ReplyI get paid hourly. So, if I take a dump at work I continue to get paid despite being the polar opposite of productive. I gotta be honest, I get a sick satisfaction out of shitting while on the clock.
Gladstone always cracks me up. :) also I love the fact that re replies to ridiculous comments, that always makes reading them that much better.
Replyaww, poor gladstone.
Replythis sucks... my boss just finished reading the entire article.
ReplyWell maybe he will take it into consideration!!!