Sure, some may call you a monster, but whose fault is this thing you have become? They took you off the farm as a boy and hurled you crying into the bloodiest war in history. And just when you learned to hear the music in the bombs and see the impressionist beauty in the crimson smear of an exploded Italian, they told you to stop! War's over, Johnny! Pack it up, they said! Go home to the wife, they said! Home? Whose home is that, exactly?! The only home you've ever known is the ululating howl of a man meeting his own guts for the first time, and the closest thing you've got to a wife is your necklace of ears.
Well, maybe now the fatcats in Washington say it's illegal to shove a man named Fritz inside the barrel of a Howitzer, pull the trigger and hold yourself a wet confetti parade, but that doesn't mean the bloodlust goes away, does it? Stop killing Germans, says Gary Government! Well, nature's your German now, friend, and maybe it's time she learned a little something about wartime. Starting with that bit about how there's no innocence on a battlefield ...
Besides, something about killing a mother just trying to protect her cubs satisfies in a way that regular ol' hunting never will. Maybe it's that roar of rage when the light goes out in her baby's eyes, or maybe it's knowing you've wiped out two generations at the same time, or maybe it's just knowing that, even when nature's perfectly in the right to destroy you, even when justice is completely on her side, she's still no match for emotional issues and a shotgun.
Well, you gruesome globetrekkers, you sacrilegious spelunkers, you nihilist Nimrods, that's it for this issue of The Old-Timey Man's Guide to Advanced Nature Subjugation. We hope these tips have helped you improve your hatred of animals, expand your love of unprovoked violence and maybe, just maybe, quiet the screams inside of your head long enough to sleep through the worst part of your hangover. So until next time, remember: When you look unto the majestic face of nature, you know what to do ...
Spit right in its damn eye, and tell 'em Subjugating Nature says hello to their whore of a mother!
Stay tuned for the next issue, where we ask:
Is there a cure for impotence? Science says "yes!" Science goes on to clarify: "It's fist-fucking a cougar!"
Get the first episode of Robert's Sci-Fi Serial Novel, Rx: A Tale of Electronegativity, right here, or buy Robert's other book, Everything Is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead. Follow him on Tumblr, Twitter and Facebook.
For more from Brockway, check out If Old School Comics Were Written For (And By) Drunk People and Revisiting Old-School Text Adventures as a Jaded Modern Gamer.