Luckily, it appears that humanity is slowly realizing this particular error of our sexin' ways. The Oral Sex Light is indefinitely out of stock on Amazon, and an afternoon of investigative journalism failed to locate any from nearby sex shops. Still, this relief was somewhat tainted, because investigative journalism was reminded that zombie Fleshlights are a thing that very much exists (link NSFW) and was forced to spend the rest of the night weeping quietly into a whiskey bottle.
(Also laughing because I said "taint" in the previous sentence.)
The Bacon Product That Ruins Bacon
Ever since the Internet crowned bacon the official Food of the Gods, the delicacy has been abused in a great many ways. From T-shirts to candy to cologne to lubricant, online shops are teeming with strange bacon-themed products that bear as much resemblance to the actual food item as crude oil does to dinosaurs. However, none of the bacon candles and air fresheners out there actually hurt the reputation of the original, except maybe by diminishing it via overexposure and sheer stupidity. They're just harmless fun for people who are easily entertained and don't mind constantly smelling like rancid pig fat.
And then there is Yoder's canned bacon.
Yoder's is advertised as a delicious snack that is fully comparable to freshly cooked bacon, despite the fact that it has a shelf life of 10 goddamn years. So when you innocently crack open the can to obtain your hourly bacon fix, you're totally unprepared to find this:
They say if you hold it to your ear, you can hear the pig from Babe crying.
If you somehow find the courage to unravel that log of stale-smelling Lovecraftian horror and peel off the congealed blobs of white fat, you may temporarily let out a sigh of relief. The actual product features far fewer tentacles than you'd assume and in fact manages to look almost like ordinary bacon ...
... and by "ordinary bacon," I mean "skin-like strips of uncertain origin that look like leftovers from Leatherface's family dinner." Still, even this means nothing. Let's face it -- as delicious as it is, bacon is not exactly a looker at the best of times. It's all about the taste, which, incidentally, is a sense you immediately regret having once you bite into a rasher of Yoder's. This "bacon" is smelly, stringy, mealy, and without any semblance of meaty texture whatsoever. Even a quick taste is likely to leave your hands and mouth coated in a thin sheen of slimy grease that you just know will never completely go away. The only things that make it taste slightly like real bacon are the many, many artificial chemicals (including "smoke flavor") that feature heavily on the list of ingredients.
As a nice "fuck your cardiovascular system" touch, this is apparently the smallest amount the company sells.
See, that's the reason Yoder's is so terrifying. It's not bad because it tries to be funny. It's not loathsome because it rides the coattails of greatness with some random product the company pooped together in five minutes and slapped a bacon pattern on. It's bad because it actively shoves perfectly good bacon in tiny cans, using imprisonment and chemicals to break it and turn it into a twisted imitation of its former glory.
That's not a product, that's bacon torture.
Pauli Poisuo once accidentally bought a hat that made him look like Bret Michaels, thus forever ruining the concepts of hats and Bret Michaels. Follow him on Twitter.
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