6 Great Products For Making Your Pet Hate You
When our pets one day inevitably rise up, they'll probably be pretty pissed about the whole neutering thing. And you can bet they'll remember those stupid outfits we made them wear. If that was the worst of it, they'd probably be willing to grant us the quick deaths we'll beg for. Unfortunately, we'll all be dying the slowest most humiliating deaths our pets can come up with, and know the whole time that we had it coming, thanks to stuff like ...
#6. Pet Plastic Surgery
So you underwent plastic surgery and are slowly coming to the realization that it wasn't your slightly longer than average toes that were making you unhappy. You could keep picking at the scab on your soul with even more plastic surgery, or you could realize that nothing you do to the outside of your body will fix what's bothering you ... because the problem is clearly your dog Rex's stupid looking face.
Via Makemeheal.com
"Could you make him appear to be in a constant state of surprise?"
Cosmetic surgery for pets is becoming more and more readily available, and people who own dogs and silently weep themselves to sleep at night are jumping at the opportunity. In some cases, the surgery is medically warranted, due to infections in the wrinkles of melty-faced dogs, and breathing problems due to pug noses. Of course, these are often the exact wrinkles and smushy noses that have been artificially bred into the creatures for maximum cuteness. For instance, this sharpe's face looked like rumpled up laundry because humans thought it would be cute, and then those same humans had to operate on his face upon realizing that there's a reason evolution didn't invent Pound Puppies.
Via Realself.com
"My world is a sinus infection."
And then there are the times when the breed doesn't live up to the cosmetic features they're bred for, and they need to be fixed up so the neighbors will stop looking down on you. For instance, your Doberman's ears aren't as perky as you'd hoped? That's nothing a head clampin' can't fix:
Via Inyourface.ocregister.com
"People won't take this hundred pound tooth-monster seriously without straight ears."
And then there are the procedures that are really difficult to justify. Namely, stuff like cosmetic facelifts and nose jobs, testicle implants and freaking Botox and Metacril injections. The origins of the trend can be traced back to the insanely competitive dog show circuit, where rumors of surgical appearance enhancement by certain owners have existed for years.
One puppy was facing the end of his show career due to a drooping ear, which would have been tragic for his creepy owner and absolutely nobody else. And then a vet in Brazil injected its ear with so much wrinkle remover that it stood straight up again. And everyone who wasn't the dog, and didn't have a soul, lived happily ever after.
Getty
"That's right, jump for it, you little bitch."
Some veterinarians have started openly advocating and advertising pet plastic surgery as totally safe and worth it, and information has started spreading even outside the usual suspects thanks to media coverage.
And that, dear reader, is how we came to live in a world where tummy tucks for cats are a thing (WARNING: Video offers definitive proof that we live in a horrible world).
#5. Make Up and Spas
Via Geeksaresexy.net
As PETA is fond of reminding us, cosmetics and animals have a rather strained relationship. So it might surprise you to learn that cosmetics for animals are a booming business. Misguided pet owners can find perfectly ordinary pet shampoos, conditioners and other basics of dog grooming.
And then you find the corrector lipstick ...
Via Fortissimo.cz
... and nose dye ...
Via Fortissimo.cz
... to give your pets' nose and lips that extra black color that nobody but you will ever notice.
In case you think that webpage has to be a front for some secret animal testing conspiracy, there are plenty of others that offer stuff that's even stupider than that. For instance, Pawlish is a pet nail polish that must have been invented by a taxidermist, since that's the only way you're going to get an animal to sit still while you delicately paint its tender claws.
Getty
Unless you're The Beastmaster or a druid.
So now your pet is covered in pink nail polish because she wouldn't sit still while you stuffed cotton balls between her toes, and you're none too eager to clean her up since you've just been mauled by an animal with poisonous wet paint on her nails.
Via Mydogbliss.com
Somebody's getting laid tonight!
Fortunately, there are pet spas that will clean her up for you. Because the only thing your beloved pet likes more than strangers is strangers who try to give them baths. If you really want to show her what happens to bad kitties, there's the Japanese Washmatic-Kan, which is apparently aimed at pet owners who are tired of trying to get their pets to sit still on the roof of the car while sending it through the automated car wash. To get an idea of how pets feel about this innovation, combine your pet's heart stopping fear of vacuum cleaners and being left alone, and multiply it by the sound it makes when you try to give it a bath. Or you can just watch this cat turn into an insane hurricane the second the machine starts.
Good news for justifiably pissed-off cats everywhere: another version of the machine is making rounds in Europe that has a washing/drying program that lasts half an hour.
#4. Fur Dyes
Nothing here is photoshopped. In fact, using fur dyes to transform pets into the stars of rejected Trapper Keepers is apparently huge in China. And while Westerners gawk in horror at Asia's more liberal stance toward eating dogs and cats, it turns out that's just because pets aren't that cute when deep fried. When it comes to potentially adorable pet abuse, it turns out we're much more forgiving, judging from all the different colors of pet fur dye being marketed as a "trendy new way to get your pet noticed."
Via Daily Mail
"Shake! Speak! Pray for death!"
And it is abuse. Pet dyeing is difficult and dangerous as hell. Veterinarians tend to strongly advise against home dyeing, because CTFA approved, completely safe dyes are so rare that they aren't actually available in America. Part of the problem is that it's difficult to get animals not to lick the foreign substance their trusted caregivers just rubbed all over their bodies. And one lick later, well, you'd better have the vet who told you not to do it in the first place on speed dial.
Via Daily Mail
Even if your pet manages to survive your attempt to turn them "Magic Purple," you might get them jumped at the dog park, since bright colors are essentially nature's prison tattoos. According to animal behavioral expert Clara Guest, it's very possible that vivid, unnatural coloring affects the way other animals react to them. In nature, bright colors and color patterns often naturally evolve to communicate certain messages to other animals. For instance, many poisonous snakes are believed to be brightly colored to warn predators not to fuck with them. While it may make your dog look like a pussy to humans, as far as the other dogs at the dog park are concerned, your dog just rolled into San Quentin with a chest full of white power tats.
Via Pawnation.com
Yep, that dog looks completely comfortable.
That poor black kitten. Cruel.
ReplySo much animal abuse in this article. F*ing rich/bored/stupid people.
ReplyI never saw the purpose of humans getting piercings and tatoos and I sure as hell don't see the purpose in animals getting them done.
ReplyAt first I saw the kitty in the spa and started to chuckle, but then about five seconds into it I was almost crying. That poor thing, how any owner could just stand there and watch as their darling kitty is tearing about in abject fear is beyond me. I almost started to cry when I had to give my kitty a bath (he got fleas, and then about a month later he jumped on the edge of the bathtub that I had sprayed fungus cleaner on.) He was so upset, and I held him and comforted him the entire time.
ReplyIf the world comes to an end in my lifetime, I can't even be mad about it. Humans are disgusting to do this kind of s**t to pets. Just because you've got a lip ring doesn't mean your pet wants one too, assholes. And that poor kitty with navel rings in its ears, he's clearly in pain. I'd like to hang that person right next to "gothic kittens" chick.
ReplyWe deserve to be wiped out.
that whole gothic kittens thing makes me want to go rescue the poor things. Just...just let pets be pets! they are not little experiments for humans to peirce and tattoo!
ReplyThis is so terrible. I can't imagine anyone being cruel enough to tattoo or pierce their pets, or dye them, or stick them in terrifying machines. And plastic surgery! My dog has huge, round eyes (my girlfriend and I lovingly call her 'marble eyes'), and even the thought that there might be someone out there who would look at her eyes and think she should get plastic surgery to change them just sickens me. People who torture their pets like this shouldn't be allowed around animals. It's all abuse. (Except for the dog shoes, because, after reading some of the other comments, I recognize that their are instances when these might be necessary.)
ReplyWhen mother nature inevitably decides she's had enough of our s**t and that it's time for us to go, I will completely understand.
ReplyAlso, how the hell could you do that to your kitty? Just stick it in a machine like that and watch it get that upset, knowing that the poor little thing trusts you not to do s**t like that to it? Maybe a dog might take something like that a little better at least, but with a cat there's not even any point. News flash; cats clean themselves without much of any help. Brush em' every once in a while and you're good. There's no reason to put them in horrible water filled torture devices.
Well, the dog shoes have a legitimate use. Mushers use them so the dogs don't cut their feet on the ice.
ReplyHow can deaf people be annoyed by sound?
ReplyWhich is the point, I guess. Compared to dogs, humans have no sense of smell.
"Buck's feet were not so compact and hard as the feet of the huskies. His had softened during the many generations since the day his last wild ancestor was tamed by a cave-dweller or river man. All day long he limped in agony, and camp once made, lay down like a dead dog. Hungry as he was, he would not move to receive his ration of fish, which Francois had to bring to him. Also, the dog-driver rubbed Buck's feet for half an hour each night after supper, and sacrificed the tops of his own moccasins to make four moccasins for Buck. This was a great relief, and Buck caused even the weazened face of Perrault to twist itself into a grin one morning, when Francois forgot the moccasins and Buck lay on his back, his four feet waving appealingly in the air, and refused to budge without them. Later his feet grew hard to the trail, and the worn-out foot-gear was thrown away." If Buck could encounter a reason to wear dog shoes, then surely any dog owner can be forgiven for letting their dog do the same, even under less severe conditions.
Reply"His had softened during the many generations since the day his last wild ancestor was tamed by a cave-dweller or river man."
"softened" because it is not a useful characteristic for domestic dogs. If it's snowing out, then yeah, some dogs need snowshoes to keep the snow out from between their toes. But no, that does not justify such a jerk move to your dog.
The dog in the pet dyeing picture looks like an Arcanine
Replyf**k yeah it does. You know, dog dyeing is dumb and dangerous and makes them look stupid, but I did see a white puppy once, who had a very simple dyeing. Big, black, blocky eyebrows, to make it look like KK Slider. And I was extremely jealous. I want that dog.
Anybody who would do ANYTHING listed in this article needs to be shot until they are dead, no questions asked, no second chances. If you are this disgusting of a human being you simply do not deserve to live.
ReplyTo be fair, I have to put boots on my pug as a recommendation from my vet, otherwise his feet crack and bleed in the snow. I'm disgusted by everything else, but the boots are a necessity, and after 2 years of wearing them, he actually gets excited to put them on and will lift up his paws so I can put them on.
I'm beside myself. What the hell is wrong with people?! Besides their callous indifference to the suffering of animals who are wholly dependent upon them, that is.
ReplyThey don't see their pets as living, breathing creatures that feel pain and joy and love and fear. They're decorating them as if they were accessories that needed to be updated. Isn't there something that can be done to protect the poor animals? This is beyond awful.
Just so everyone knows... The malignant c**t who mutilated the kittens is named HOLLY CRAWFORD. She lives in Pennsylvania.. She only got 6 mos of house arrest, and I don't think that is enough...
ReplyI painted my Vizsla's nails a forest green color (he just sat there and let me) and when I took him to the vet the next week (for shots and a check up) The vet thought he had a fungus in his nails and called another vet in to look at the mysterious fungus. When I finally explained that I painted the dog's nails.. They looked at me like I was retarded and said they never saw anyone paint the nails on a bird-dog, that normal people use for hunting.. LOL.. I didnt want to paint his nails pink, so I opted for a manlier forest green to go with his red hair.
Replyour epileptic dog wears the boots when the sidewalks are salted during the winter, because if she licked any of the chemical salt off her paws, it would cause a seizure, and it's very hard to clean off completely.
Replythe boots also helped to potty train her at age 3 when i adopted her, because for some reason she did not like peeing on cement, and the boots tricked her into thinking she was standing on something more comfortable.
but people tattooing their pets should be arrested.
I painted my dogs nails once, but it was really difficult to get out of her fur. I do make her wear shoes though, because she loves playing in snow and it makes her feet really cold. The rest of that stuff is absolutely insane.
ReplyThe most we do is give our dog a jacket when it's cold outside. She appreciates it though, this stuff is just... yeah it's animal cruelty (except maybe the dying, that's just dumb and the shoes but those have a purpose).
Wow, this is ridiculous... not only completely irresponsible but pointlessly painful for your pet. Animals, creatures that love to investigate their curiosities by shoving their faces/bodies in the situation to inquire about. So lets cover them with a bunch of dangling metal so they can get stuck on s**t and rip through their skin. Real smart....
ReplyThat kept running through my mind! Both of my cats will squeeze into places where anything dangling or hanging would definitely get ripped out at some point.
Not that I'm into the whole 'make our pets as frilly as possible' thing (I think it's all really stupid, and irresponsible when it does the animal more harm than good)
Reply*Anyway* aren't dogs colour blind? I think they can only see shades of grey and red, can't they? If so, it kind of steps on the point made in #4 about your dog being seen as a white supremacist in the dog park. Unless you're dying your pet red. In which case, holy hannah... may God help your poor, poor pet.
Animals do see colours; they generally see a different range of colours, however. Didn't you read about the Pink Monkey experiment when you were in school? Scientists changed a monkey's fur colour to pink, and returned it to the cage it had been sharing with the rest of its troop.
They tore it to pieces because it was the wrong colour.
This is just all kinds of bad.
I used to roll my eyes internally a little at the dressed-up animals - the ones in fancy dress, not the ones who were wearing a layer for warmth, or dryness, or to protect their feet from the cold/winter road salt. I am now ready to cheer for costumes for animals, if it will satisfy the urge to reupholster your pet as if it were a couch. Give it a pirate outfit!
Just don't mutilate and dye it. Why do they have to suffer for their owners' vanity? Let the people turn the dye, razors, tattoos and piercings back on themselves.
dogs are dichromatic, able to see yellow and blue, they are red-green colorblind.
Monkeys are able to see the world in the same way we do, because like darwin's famous book title "You're a f*****g monkey mate" says, we are, in fact, f*****g monkeys.
Cats have a very low ratio of cones to rods, owing to their nocturnal nature, and are also red-green colorblind, being sensitive to blue and yellow.
This means, don't be a dick, use blue tennis balls when playing fetch with your dog.