6 Things I Learned Owning A 'Haunted House' On Reality TV

Once we were selected, the producers came in and explained the show to us. This episode of American Haunting was to revolve around the paranormal phenomena that took place in my home. That was the premise we were sold, but in reality, the director made every attempt to pit members of my family against each other for the sake of cheap drama. At one point, he tried to get some of the "experts" to use "psychology" to find what exactly would push our buttons, just so that he could get us to explode on camera. Much to their chagrin, that didn't happen. As a last resort, they simply told us to get mad at each other, but we didn't. Desperately asking a family to turn on itself for the sake of some reality shenanigans doesn't work too well. They could have at least offered to trade us a juice box or be our best friends.

A&E Television Networks

We were told our family was chosen because we seemed to have a "likable dynamic," which really meant that they thought they could shape us into their ideal TV family. For the record, their ideal family looked like a cross between the Brady Bunch and the Mansons: normal on the outside, but with a crazy, gooey center. However, my family was a smidgen too close to normal, so they gave us some help in the form of a "family friend." And by "family friend," I mean a guy we'd only met once. And by "a guy we'd only meant once," I mean this guy:

A&E Television Networks

For whatever reason, redneck shows are huge. And since we live in Eastern Kentucky, the producers were expecting the full Deliverance experience. But none of us had wacky hillbilly accents, the kids are practically Ralph Lauren models, and the house was fairly well-kept -- not even a pet possum to play up for comedic value. So when they found out most "country folk" are just "normal folk," they started importing inbreds to chuckle up the sideshow.

A&E Television Networks

The final product was a special effects extravaganza that made Sharknado 2 look like a subdued French film. For example, some shots showed trees casting ominous shadows ... indoors. This was done for atmosphere, to make our otherwise ordinary house look like prime property in Amityville. And while the special effects guy was nice enough, it was a little worrying that they had "a special effects guy" on our reality show in the first place.

The spiritual medium was even worse. He told us, "All these terrible things are happening because the spirits are angry you are Christian." Are ... are there atheist ghosts?

He also called me "psychologically damaged" and claimed that I could be a serial killer. That was because I had a cross of swords in my bedroom -- which, it should be noted, came from the set design team. Everything he used to evaluate my psyche was based on things the crew had hung in my room to make me look more interesting.

A&E Television Networks

The only person who truly wanted to help was a Catholic bishop who came by and exorcised the house. He even forced the camera crew out for a bit because it was a religious gesture and not for entertainment. Whether or not you believe in ghosts and demons and such, that was a pretty stand-up thing to do. Or maybe he didn't want the demon to get his SAG card.

A&E Television Networks

They would sensationalize anything. We told them about how my brother had cut his arm once, and that we briefly associated it with the house. They turned that into us screaming about a demon that had cut my brother at night, presumably because he owed it money.

Before the show aired, people knew we had a "haunted" house, and it wasn't a big deal. Half the houses south of the Mason-Dixon Line are "haunted." That's kinda what you get for the whole slavery deal. But after the American Haunting episode came out, we were suddenly pariahs. The show had taken our experiences with small, unexplained things and made it look like Paranormal Activity, so now we were liars in everyone's eyes.

A&E Television Networks

Even the little falsehoods that the production crew told came back to bite us. People wanted to talk about the swords on my wall, or how they were certain I dyed my hair for the filming, or the way my family spoke being too clear and coherent. Once you've got a reputation as a liar, everything is a lie. That's how they took a normal family with a slightly odd house and made it a campy horror reality drama. Which, come to think of it, sounds a bit like the setup of a horror film by itself. But half the fun of a horror movie is rooting for the good guys to get out alive. Who do you root for when the protagonists are a reality TV crew?

Evan V. Symon is the Interview Finder guy for Cracked. If you have an awesome experience or job you would like to share with us and see as an article, email us here.

For more insider perspectives, check out 4 Horrifying Realities of Working at a Haunted House and 4 Lies Reality Shows Rely On (That Are Worse Than You Think).

Are you on reddit? Check it: We are too! Click on over to our best of Cracked subreddit.