The 6 Craziest Animal Products Ever Patented

People invent some baffling things. As the Internet has spent the past two decades demonstrating, people do equally baffling things with their pets. Invariably, these two truths collide and result in people submitting patent applications for inventions intended for use by (or on) animals that will detonate your eyeballs with concentrated beams of mind-rending lunacy.

#6. The Horse Jock

US Patent Office

James William Draper Jr. submitted an application, laboriously illustrated and complete with his name and address, to patent a cock hammock for horses, presumably because he had reached the stage in his life where he just didn't care anymore. The Horse Jock was meant to support a horse's penis (either erect or flaccid, as the patent specifically emphasizes) while being treated for paraphimosis, a terrible infection that can develop on uncircumcised winkies, and an equine scourge that James William Draper Jr. had to stop at all costs.

#5. The Dog Shit Harness

Henry W. Lamp strode purposefully into the patent office in 1993 and dared us all to ask ourselves, "Why should we pick up handfuls of our dog's poop in wadded Food Lion bags when we could simply invent a sock that dangles from his asshole?"

US Patent Office
Why indeed.

As you can clearly see from this video, absolutely nothing about the public application of the Deuce Harness is creepy or insane.

"I'm just testing it out on Spartacus. I really bought it for my kids."

#4. Pet Dildos

US Patent Office

As the patent description reads, those tiny gremlin arrowheads are "trial and error" probes for measuring the diameter of a dog's vagina. As you may have gathered from the phrase "trial and error," the highly scientific process behind this device is just stabbing each size in at random until one fits. We hope the patent clerk told the inventors that there are easier ways to get mauled by a dog.

And now, here's a dildo for your cat:

US Patent Office
We've never seen a patent so clearly drawn by someone with a massive erection.

Specifically designed to match the size and feel of a male cat's penis for reasons that cannot possibly be described, Richard Drapeau created this "ovulator" as an alternative to spaying Princess Mittens. In his write-up, he conspicuously omits any information about the actual invention process, which we assume involved Q-Tips and a lot of heated yowling.

More Quick Fixes:

See More

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here


Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!