People invent some baffling things. As the Internet has spent the past two decades demonstrating, people do equally baffling things with their pets. Invariably, these two truths collide and result in people submitting patent applications for inventions intended for use by (or on) animals that will detonate your eyeballs with concentrated beams of mind-rending lunacy.

The Horse Jock

THE HORSE JOCK THE HORSE JOCK FIGURE
US Patent Office

James William Draper Jr. submitted an application, laboriously illustrated and complete with his name and address, to patent a cock hammock for horses, presumably because he had reached the stage in his life where he just didn't care anymore. The Horse Jock was meant to support a horse's penis (either erect or flaccid, as the patent specifically emphasizes) while being treated for paraphimosis, a terrible infection that can develop on uncircumcised winkies, and an equine scourge that James William Draper Jr. had to stop at all costs.

The Dog Shit Harness

Henry W. Lamp strode purposefully into the patent office in 1993 and dared us all to ask ourselves, "Why should we pick up handfuls of our dog's poop in wadded Food Lion bags when we could simply invent a sock that dangles from his asshole?"

26 24 20 Fig.. 1 32- 22
US Patent Office

Why indeed.

As you can clearly see from this video, absolutely nothing about the public application of the Deuce Harness is creepy or insane.

The 6 Craziest Animal Products Ever Patented
Youtube

"I'm just testing it out on Spartacus. I really bought it for my kids."

Pet Dildos

U.S. Patent Feb 17. 1976 3.938.504 12 I2g 2e 12b FIG.- 12 ISb 12e I2c 13 FIG.-2 13 12e 12b FIG.-3
US Patent Office

As the patent description reads, those tiny gremlin arrowheads are "trial and error" probes for measuring the diameter of a dog's vagina. As you may have gathered from the phrase "trial and error," the highly scientific process behind this device is just stabbing each size in at random until one fits. We hope the patent clerk told the inventors that there are easier ways to get mauled by a dog.

And now, here's a dildo for your cat:

Apparatus to stimulate ovulation (ovulator) 2 FIg 1 Fig 2
US Patent Office

We've never seen a patent so clearly drawn by someone with a massive erection.

Specifically designed to match the size and feel of a male cat's penis for reasons that cannot possibly be described, Richard Drapeau created this "ovulator" as an alternative to spaying Princess Mittens. In his write-up, he conspicuously omits any information about the actual invention process, which we assume involved Q-Tips and a lot of heated yowling.

Anal Bung for Pets

The 6 Craziest Animal Products Ever Patented
US Patent Office

John Ernest Hanna, evidently fed up with being assaulted by pet farts, invented the Anal Bung for Animals and Birds, which is essentially a road cone with a corked top that you fit over an odiferous animal's ass so it looks like they're perpetually trying to shit out a clown.

Dog Condom

FIG.I 20 12 2 32 30 FIG.2 INVENTOR Chester Lee Goddard Je. thit
US Patent Office

The inventor of this nightmare really ought to be on some sort of government registry.

Chester L. Goddard filed a patent for his dog condom harness back in 1963, which we hasten to point out is a year that other human beings were similarly hard at work trying to figure out how to launch people into fucking space. Goddard's unnecessarily complicated alternative to simply neutering your pet suggests that he didn't spend a lot of time actually testing it out, because most dogs won't even wear a sweater for longer than 13 seconds before tearing it off with their teeth.

Animal Semen Harvesters

Kunming Yaling Biotech Co. applied for a patent on an aluminum foil electrode stimulator specifically designed for the collection of macaque monkey sperm. That is, they invented a tube that shocks monkey balls until they dispense a wad of terrified semen, which we're pretty sure isn't what Peter Gabriel was singing about.

Unsurprisingly, that patent was denied, but there have been numerous other applicants wanting to get a slice of that animal-semen-collecting pie, all submitting inventions that look like something a creature in Hellraiser would use to murder you:

Cise U.S. Patent Mav Is. 2007 US7.217.239 B1 . BA 43.44 38 18 -26.27 20 60 62 Fig. 1 INTERNU ARTWACIU AREAL are 1A 899.951. Patanted Sept 22.1908. S P
Patent Office, 1, 2, 3, 4, and Espacenet

Evidently these people are expecting animal semen to be the currency of the future.



David is waging a one-man war to be the funniest phone number on the Internet. Which is dumb. But you can support him by calling toll free 1-855-333-4469. Or see the videos for his phone number on his YouTube channel here.

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