5 Negotiation No-Nos When Summoning A Demon

5 Lock The Door

Summoning a demon is a complicated and precise undertaking, and one where you should ideally be in control of basically every environmental variable. For that reason, I have to beg: LOCK THE GOD DAMN DOOR. How many slow camera pans do I have to watch down dusty stairs only to find that the door to your underground magick area is not only unlocked, but left open a crack, for some do-gooder or do-goodette to observe the goings on?

Everyone in modern civilization is well familiar with the idea of using a door lock to make sure something private stays that way. If you’re aware enough to double-check the bolt in a Starbucks bathroom or pre-crank-off in a split apartment, perhaps it’s something you should consider when you’re sharing a room with an unstable portal to hell.

4 Use A Permanent Binding Circle

Look, I understand that chalk is very thematic, and makes you feel very magical, but when you’re drawing a binding circle that basically is the only thing keeping you from being a fresh coat of basement wall paint, maybe go for the permanent marker? Better yet, make a trip to Home Depot for some high-quality paint. If it’s meant to survive in a family home for decades, you can at least be pretty confident it won’t get washed away by a misstep or a spilled goblet of some magical liquid.

You’re bringing a personification of suffering and evil to within swiping range of your jugular. Why occultists insist on relegating their personal security to a spooky hopscotch court is beyond me. Splurge on a can of f**king Krylon, for the love of God. Or Lucifer. Whatever.

3 Have A Detailed Contract Ready

Another classic blunder when bartering your soul. The essence of your being is a pretty important betting chip, and yet it seems like robed figures across the world are perfectly happy to play fast and loose with it. Not to mention this is during negotiations with a DEMON, who are famously cut-throat negotiators. You’ve spent your whole life preparing to make this devilish deal, and now that the time is upon you, you’re going to go with an improvised verbal agreement? You deserve the hellhound’s bite, you absolute patsy.

Dip into the savings account and hire a good lawyer to draft up an airtight agreement before you invite your local Asmodeus out of the aether. You need this thing to be tougher to get out of than a Planet Fitness gym membership. You’re signing away the light inside your eyes, get those forms in triplicate. Bring in a public notary and a witness. Make sure you don’t sign away your soul just for a demon to break the lease1 month in like a bad roommate.

2 Be Realistic About Who You Summon

So, as sorcerers are particularly partial to saying, the time is nigh. You’ve got the incantations and the animal parts to make this thing happen. The last step is to look over the menu. Now, I understand that the desire to cut deals with a demon requires a certain overconfidence, which, as any Darkest Dungeon fan can tell you, is a slow and insidious killer. But you’ll be a whole lot better off exercising a little humility when deciding who to drop at the other end of the meeting table.

Chances are, this is the first demon you’ve summoned, owing to the fact that people only really have one soul to exchange, a notably low leverage situation. So MAYBE, just MAYBE, for your first summoning, don’t call the CEO’s personal line. Even the most basic demon has powers beyond your puny comprehension. And if all you’re looking for is a fat Swiss bank account or to be really really good at blues guitar, maybe you don’t need to be summoning upper management. Trust me, you’ll be on a whole lot more equal footing with a footsoldier than yanking Asmodeus off his throne to talk curing your wife’s weird blood disease.

1 Lose The Robes And Red Candles

An essential part of negotiation is to project confidence. You don’t want to walk in as a lesser of the other party. Now, summoning a demon, there’s a little bit of that baked in. But the least you could do is not show up looking like a full on Satanic stan. I know, the wrought-iron candle stands and spooky masks set a tone, but you’re coming off as an absolute simp for Hell. It’s like showing up to a band’s show wearing their t-shirt and hoping to meet them. Unless the demon is in search of a blowie backstage, you’re not sending out the correct vibes here.

Wear a nice suit. Get a shave and a haircut. Even a prince of hell probably respects a Patek Phillippe. Have some self-respect.

Have you summoned a demon before? What did you receive, and are you in a state of deep despair as a result? Let us know in the comments!

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